Lectures are the perfect lullaby for sleepy students

Research shows that about 40 million Americans suffer from long-term sleeping disorders. For college students, due to our long-standing addiction to bumping, grinding and getting our crunk on, the sandman is permanently staying away and prematurely balding us all. Yet in lecture, my ability to sleep becomes considerably easier. So in order to maintain a saner and healthier student body, I propose professors be forced to spend one night a week lecturing students to sleep, not in the classroom, but rather in the comfort of the pupils’ bedrooms.

Though students dedicate countless hours to studying and homework, professors focused on research withdraw any reciprocation in the two-way street that education should be. While TAs have appointments and review sections, a professor’s sole job consists of making a PowerPoint twice a week. (Which seems to be too complicated in the philosophy department, where professors employ the “speak nonsense off the top of your head” technique.)

With tuition rising and wallets tightening, it’s fair to say we students deserve a little more bang for our buck. Constantly asking us to buy new, updated books and materials (Come on, how much has basic calculus changed over the last 200 years?), it’s high time the professors here start giving as much as they take. One night a week going from dorm to dorm, apartment to apartment, is not too much to ask. Just as we students receive a healthy dose of exercise walking from class to class, so too could the professors work out their muscles traversing the hills of Westwood.

Though it sounds logistically impossible, it really wouldn’t be that difficult. Students could e-mail their addresses and general bedtimes, and the professor could come by at the given time and lecture students to sleep. My best sleep comes from time in lecture, but it’s always interrupted by dumb girls trying to get my head off their shoulders. It’s high time we got our 40 winks back without breach and cessation.

Additionally, it’s far easier to fall asleep in class while hearing about atmospheric science than at home, with countless levels of Metal Gear Solid to occupy me every night. The professors here can take over the role given up by our parents long ago and softly soothe us into rest and away from the game consoles.

And really, who can argue with more sleep? As second-year English student Geoffrey Ashburne said, “Sleeping is awesome. Awesome to the max.”

Clearly, aside from T-Pain, sleep is the best thing the world gives us. It doesn’t yell, cry or accuse you of stealing its research and sleeping with its daughter (which, once and for all, I didn’t do, professor). Rather, sleep rejuvenates and brings you to mystical dream worlds where dance-offs between the Lucky Charms leprechaun and Michael Jackson happen every hour, on the hour. Though its effects are still not entirely understood, any Dance Marathoner will confirm the fact that sleep deprivation sucks and can seriously damage relationships, driving skills and air-guitar abilities.

While it could be potentially very creepy for an old male professor to gingerly lecture a teenage girl in her bedroom until she falls asleep, old people generally prove to be of good character.

As second-year computer science student Andy Inscore said, “I really like my grandparents, and they’re pretty old.”

And no one likes to drink or smoke in front of their grandparents, so allowing elderly parent figures into homes will most definitely cut down on drug and alcohol abuse. (At least for that brief bit of time that they’re there.)

Essentially, while students sleeping in class is not necessarily the fault of professors, an epidemic of unexciting and uninteresting teaching techniques has plagued our campus. Why can’t physics students drop eggs off buildings or engineering students build rockets from household appliances? If we’re going to put so much money into our education, we might as well get a decent night’s sleep out of it.

If you love a professor’s soothing voice, then e-mail Bromberg at mbromberg@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.

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