Walking on campus ludicrous

I’ve had enough of the walking. I am just sick and tired
of it. We Bruins walk everywhere. Our campus, pretty as it may be,
is sprawling and expansive. A conservative estimate is that, in
total, I have walked for approximately 100 trillion hours at UCLA
this year alone.

That is the equivalent of traversing the Himalayas, climbing Mt.
Everest and hiking the Sierra Nevadas, combined, thrice. And as
someone who was until recently iPod-deficient, I can attest that
walking was practically a living hell.

Indeed, time spent strolling around campus does add up quickly.
Just think about the path to and from class a few times a day
““ Public Policy to Rieber, Powell to Macgowan, Bunche to
Bruin Walk.

We have wasted much of our college lives mindlessly walking.

Currently, our system of buses and vans operate at inconvenient
times to even more inconvenient places.

We deserve better.

Transport services are hardly advertised, and thus remain
unknown to the vast majority of students.

In order to stay at the forefront of collegiate innovation we
must begin to think outside the box. UCLA has the potential to be
the envy of all other universities if only it will implement a few
novel transportation ideas to ease the students’ burdens.

Certainly, I am not alone in this fight. At least one political
party at UCLA is taking our transportation crisis seriously. The
recently formed Bruin Liberation Movement has recognized
UCLA’s glaring deficiencies and proposes unique
solutions.

They have supported an idea which I proposed some time ago
““ a ski lift from the dorms to campus. In order to ride the
ski lift, however, one must be fully clad in ski wear. While some
will undoubtedly see this campaign platform as merely a joke, I
urge UCLA not to prematurely discount the brilliant potential at
hand.

A zip line could work well too. The morning trek from Hedrick to
Bunche would instantaneously be transformed into a few seconds of
unrivaled exhilaration.

Regarding the ski lift proposal, the leader of the BLM, known
only as the “Grand Dragoon,” said, “It has been
over 50 years since man supposedly stepped on to the moon. To think
that we are still walking from point A to point B is absolutely
ludicrous.”

The specific advance which is chosen to replace our antiquated
and inadequate transport system is not what is of prime importance
today.

Rather, we must begin the dialogue that will transform UCLA from
just another fine university into the modern campus-transport
capital of the world.

There are many savvy solutions to our present-day quandary. An
airport-like movable track could be built throughout campus. A mini
go-cart track could ring UCLA with one lane for normal use and a
second carpool lane to encourage energy conservation. Wheeling
students around on Indian-style rickshaws might become an optional
part of the work-study program as well.

Who would truly choose “Janss Steps” over
“Janss Escalators”?

Money will certainly become an issue, as more and more grandiose
plans are proposed.

Yet as the Grand Dragoon of the BLM remarks, “If (UCLA)
can pay $90,000 for a new school logo, surely they can dip into
that slush fund for another few “˜Gs’.”

Indeed, UCLA, like any bureaucratic organization, wastes a great
deal of money. Each year over $2.4 million is funneled into the
largely ineffectual Campus Express. Many a time I’ve stood at
a pickup spot, only to get fed up after waiting an inordinate
amount of time. I have promptly left and cursed my bipedality.

Funding a taut zip line, sleek go-cart track, functional ski
lift or multitude of rickshaws would far and away be a better use
of our money.

Enough cash has been callously cast aside on the hallowed
grounds of our beloved campus.

So suit up, UCLA. Strap on your skis and I’ll catch you on
the lift to Bunche.

Keyes is a third-year Middle Eastern studies student. E-mail
him at dkeyes@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.

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