Why is it that the mere mention of arranged marriage incites
cries of sympathy and pity? The only conclusion I can draw from
these unexpected reactions is that people still have archaic
notions of arranged marriage as the utmost violation of human
rights. It is exactly these kinds of inferences that I believe to
be completely wrong. In a multi-cultural environment such as UCLA,
such harsh criticisms are unnecessary, especially when most people
do not even know exactly what having an arranged marriage
entails.
As someone who has an arranged marriage, I can personally say
that it is not the “contractual marriage” most people
have in mind. True, in certain situations this is the case. Take,
for example, my friend, who got married at the age of 15 to a
24-year-old doctor. Her parents thought it was an excellent match
and had no qualms about marrying her off at such an early age. I
agree that these cases, where girls are married at such a young
age, are completely appalling, but this is a rarity. Unfortunately,
it is these rarities that are widely generalized to encompass the
entire definition of an “arranged marriage.”
In reality, the whole concept has evolved into a form
that’s a mere glimmer of its past. Arranged marriages today
have shed the stigma of a forced bond between two people. In fact,
now people typically have complete freedom in deciding whether or
not to marry the person their parents choose.
In Eastern culture, a marriage is seen more as a union of two
families, rather than just two individuals. And as a result,
background, religion and even castes can all play legitimate and
important roles, and necessitate parental involvement.
Even so, when most people here learn about my arranged marriage,
they’re quick to deem the whole concept restrictive.
“What’s the point when you can actually go out there
and meet someone?” asked Lena Pernas, a first-year
microbiology major.
But the chance of meeting someone on my own who I don’t
like is no different than if my parents chose the guy. In the end,
we both have the same purpose in mind ““ my happiness.
This leads to another, quite often repeated, comment: “How
can you marry someone you don’t know? And how do you know
you’re going to love them?” First off, I am not
marrying someone I do not know. The practice in which couples do
not see each other before the day of their marriage is obsolete
now. Where I come from, the guy and the girl get to know each
other, and only get married after an extended engagement.
And how do I know I’m not going to like or even love this
person? Let me just say the outlook toward love differs over here
compared to where I come from. In most Eastern cultures, love is
seen as a work in progress. It’s interesting that the
phrasing is different too. Here, people “fall” in love,
while back home it’s definitely more common to hear that one
“grows” to love. Not meaning to say that people
don’t grow to love here ““ I’m pretty sure they do
““ but undeniably, there are stark cultural differences.
Moreover, I do not wish to deem one better than the other ““
just emphasize that different cultures need to be tolerated.
Statistics can attest to the rest.
In California, one in every two marriages is expected to fail.
Compare this to the divorce statistic for Saudi Arabia, which is
surprisingly high relative to the rest of the Middle East: There,
one in every five marriages fails. Quite possibly, the higher rate
of divorce in the United States results from the transformed image
of divorce as not being negative in any way. People in the East, or
at least in Saudi Arabia, are hesitant about breaking a marriage.
Sadly, the social stigma still remains.
I say “sadly” because divorce statistics are not
that good of a gauge. Just because there are fewer divorces in
Saudi Arabia does not mean there are no unhappy couples or domestic
abuse. One of the more well-known cases that comes to mind is that
of Rania Al Baz, a prominent female journalist in Riyadh. She was
mercilessly beaten by her husband and dumped in a local hospital
with numerous fractures. Yet she did not file for divorce.
Surprised? I’ll be the first to admit that, even given her
Eastern background, I was shocked to see that she refused to take
action.
Here a prominent feminist, who had previously advocated equal
work rights for women in Saudi Arabia, refused to file suit against
her abusive husband. In hindsight, I do see how this was just
another incident where social rules took precedence over justice
and practicality. Again, a direct result of cultural differences. I
am not condoning her actions, or lack thereof, but this does not in
any way mean that all arranged marriages are doomed. And this is
what most people have to understand. Even though the negative
aspects of arranged marriages are much more publicized, couples are
usually happy in an arranged marriage. No, I’m probably not
going to be in an abusive marriage and yes, I do have the right to
leave.
And, oh yes, the punch line of everyone’s critique,
“What if you meet someone?” My answer: “So
what?” It’s analogous to you finding someone else while
in a relationship. At times like these, I feel arranged marriages
are better because there’s never the problem of finding
“the one.” Furthermore, if the marriage doesn’t
work, I’m not the only one to blame. In fact, I’d be
the last to take blame.
For arranged marriage or totally against? E-mail her at
ssaxena@media.ucla.edu.