Doug Lief Doug Lief is a fourth-year
English student who wears a crucifix, yarmulke and turban, just to
cover his bases. Contact him at dlief@media.ucla.edu.
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We’ve all spent the last few weeks glued to our
televisions watching horrible internal strife tear apart what was
already an unstable region, but for those of you who aren’t
watching “The Osbournes,” there’s something much
more serious going on in the Holy Land.
You’ve probably heard pundit after pundit spew rhetoric
about the situation, but what do uninformed smart-asses have to say
about the Middle East? I have an unusual stance on the
Israeli/Palestinian conflict: I’m for it.
At the very least, it gives the UCLA community something to
chalk about. There is truly no better forum for elevated political
discourse than limestone invectives inscribed on our edifices and
thoroughfares proclaiming for all, “Israel bites.” For
if this conflict did not exist, who would bite? Those bastards who
won’t free Nepal? The Norwegians who foist herring upon us
all? Those (blanks) who are like, totally oppressing (blank)? (as
seen in every Viewpoint column besides mine). Now, at last, we have
a real gripe that affects people 10 thousand miles away that you
and I will never meet. That always makes me want to get
involved!
Furthermore, the recent flare-up of the ever-present hostility
will give another great chance to the hair-splitting community who
have, thus far, not been able to successfully separate anti-Zionism
from anti-Semitism. Perhaps this year they will get it right.
Although it may not seem so, the current imbroglio in Israel
will actually increase the Holiness of the Holy Land. This is
essentially a war over who gets to own celebrity memorabilia, the
distinction in that these are Biblical superstars. If Mohammed had
taken a weekend furlough to Copenhagen, the streets of Denmark
would be running red with blood today. This being the case,
martyrdom increases spiritual property values.
It’s nice to see the Israelis and Palestinians finally
being honest for a change. They’ve shared an awkward marriage
for over 50 years, smiling at public appearances, trying for the
sake of the children. Then in the middle of Thanksgiving, one of
them suddenly stands up and says, “Well maybe if you
hadn’t been sleeping with your secretary I wouldn’t
have forgotten the goddamn cranberries!” Now we’re
watching the fallout of the messy custody battle. Still, at least
the hatred is out in the open. If you bottle that stuff up, it
could kill you.
While Israel and/or Palestine acts like Carrie at the prom, the
question arises: how does this bloodshed benefit Yankee Joe
Americanovich? For starters, America has been donating foreign aid
to Israel for a while, and it’s nice to finally see them
spend it.
We will see another benefit from the conflict as that all those
Israelis and Palestinians will stop streaming over our borders and
living off our welfare, or so is my understanding of geography.
Allow me to explain.
As you know, we live in the West, while the Midwest consists of
states like Indiana. But since the East is New York and
Massachusetts, that puts the Middle-East squarely in Ohio, a
veritable hotbed of zealotry. Given this awkward location, the
Israeli occupation will help contain this conflict and keep it from
spilling over into Israel’s neighbors like Pennsylvania.
More importantly, however, this conflict will decrease world
dependence on the United States as the Arnold Schwarzenegger to
their Danny DeVito. Since 1948 we’ve been telling Israel,
“Don’t worry, bro. We’ve totally got your
back,” that is, until now. Since President Bush’s
hands-off policy advertises to the world that we only like to be
friends with the popular kids so we look good, perhaps the rest of
the world won’t keep bugging us all the time for aid and
medicine for orphans. At last we can get back to doing what we do
best: ripping off British game shows and eating crunchy things.
When the notion of writing a column arguing in favor of the
violence in Israel came up in a Viewpoint columnist meeting a few
weeks ago, we all thought it was a laughable idea.
A position in favor of bloodshed was only tenable in the absurd
world of satire. And yet, if so many were not so fervently in
support of the continued violence, it would not exist at all.
Perhaps what is most horrifying about this war is that in abstract
terms it appears comic, but as we know all too well, the real
result is tragedy and an infinitely regressing vendetta.