Adam Karon Why is this column different
from all other columns? E-mail Karon at gianthater@yahoo.com.
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The word “fan” is derived from fanatic, which
appropriately describes a small portion of those who attend
athletic events. Some are dearly attached to their teams, while
others turn like a Soviet spy taking kickbacks from a potato
farmer. Though there is a spectrum, for the most part, fans
can be thrust into four different categories: The Wise Fan, The
Wicked Fan, The Simple Fan and The Fan Who Doesn’t Know
Enough To Ask. Those filling each category are spread across
the nation, but each frequents some cities more than others.
Wise fans generally reside in Chicago. They eat bratwurst with
kraut and drink Busch Light. They know sports well enough to cheer
when an opponent who appears injured is deemed ready to return.
Wise fans follow more than one sport, because the Cubs always lose
but the Bulls always win. Except recently, which is why the
wise fans also follow the Bears.
When wise fans look at a ballpark, they see a
cathedral. When they step through the turnstiles, they morph
from a businessman, garbageman or fisherman into an expert on the
hit-and-run, counter trey and pick ‘n’ roll. Wise
fans do not scream throughout the game, but save their voices for
the time when their team needs them the most. They know that they
can make a difference. Wise fans miss meals when their team loses
and cry when their team wins.
They listen to sports talk shows but are above calling in to
make self-indulgent remarks.
They do not seek autographs because they know players are human,
yet they’ll talk about shaking Phil Jackson’s hand for
the rest of their lives.
Wise fans are what we should all aspire to be.
The wicked fan lives in Philadelphia. He drinks too much
beer, eats too many cheese steaks, and can barely fit through the
turnstiles, let alone change into an integral part of the game.
This type of fan carries batteries in his pocket, which are not
for the transistor radio blaring Van Halen during the seventh
inning stretch. The wicked fan boos Mike Schmidt, the greatest
third baseman of all time, and cheers when football players sustain
potentially career-ending injuries.
The wicked fan is the one who calls talk-show hosts to rip
coaches over fumbles and dropped passes, things over which they
have no control. He has never played a sport in his life but is an
expert on everything from croquet to ski-jumping.
The wicked fan should be banned from all athletic facilities,
locked in a cage, and forced to watch the WNBA 24 hours a day.
The simple fan usually lives in Florida, and has an average age
of 92-years-old. She goes to games to knit and talk with her
friends. She yells “touchdown” during home runs even
though she cannot see the center fielder make that leaping
catch. In fact, she usually does not know what is going on,
but enjoys the excitement and time away from home. The simple fan
likes ballpark food that comes on ceramic plates with silverware.
She has season tickets but attends only 1/8 of home games.
Her dentures prevent her from eating the caramel apples. She
thinks the players are “cute,” and they like her
because she sits in the second row and never stops smiling.
She does not listen to radio talk shows because she cannot hear
what the host is saying.
She is the number one foul ball hazard.
This type of fan should be encouraged to continue attending
games, but should do so with an escort who can help her better
understand what is going on and protect her from flying food.
The fourth fan is one we all know too well. She probably lives
in Los Angeles and does not even know the city is without a
professional football team. This type of fan goes to basketball
games to see what the other women are wearing. She does not know
sports, and does not even know how to go about learning more.
Even though she might date a sports fan, she is too shy or
embarrassed to ask questions. She avoids going to baseball games
because she finds them boring, yet drags her significant other to
symphonies and musicals.
When something exciting happens she stands and cheers, or jumps
with excitement, even though she has no idea why.
Her favorite part about ballgames is the garlic fries or malts.
They do not even know radio shows exist.
This type of fan should be told firmly that sports are life. If
she does not learn this, she must be cast aside like a catcher with
ailing knees.