The other day, as I was taking my morning stroll from Kerckhoff
to the English Reading Room, I couldn’t help but notice all
of the tantalizing little nooks, stairwells and shady corners that
could serve as perfect locations for a make-out session or a
between-class quickie.
Our lovely campus is littered with such sex-friendly spots,
which got me thinking ““ how much hanky-panky is going on just
out of sight? And what are the best spots on campus to do the dirty
““ and get away with it?
So I decided to do a little, ahem, “research” into
the matter. (By research I mostly mean asking my friends and random
strangers where they’ve done it on campus. Unfortunately I
wasn’t able to test these sites personally, due to the fact
that I really get much less action than I’d like to
think.)
First, there are the obvious places: the Franklin D. Murphy
Sculpture Garden comes to mind (preferably under cover of night).
The towers of Royce Hall were another popular suggestion among the
people I surveyed. Doing it somewhere that holds real significance
to campus identity, like under the Bruin Bear (wouldn’t that
give the tourists a shock!) or behind Founder’s Rock, would
provide an especially collegiate thrill.
One respondent informed me of a sunken area next to Royce
that’s nicely hidden from view at night; another reader
decided to tell me about how he pleasured himself in one of the
bathrooms in Bunche. (I think he missed the point of my question.
Also, ew.) Ackerman and Kerckhoff have various rooms that would be
perfect for a “study break.” The guys who work in Event
Services told me of one legendary student union building manager
who would take a different girl each night to a different room in
Ackerman. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s
some great student service!
Another friend of mine actually went so far as to provide me
with a list of places where he’s determined to have sex
sometime before he graduates. Among his more conventional
suggestions were some fairly creative locations. He’s partial
to the rooftops of various buildings, like Knudsen and Charles E.
Young Research Library, as well as the bottom floor of the
engineering library: “So many electromagnetic theory books,
you can’t help but be aroused.”
I have heard a rumor of someone well-connected in the athletic
department being able to hold a late night tryst with his
girlfriend in the greatest on-campus sex spot of all: center court
in Pauley Pavilion. Now, this may be just one of those pervasive
UCLA urban legends (maybe they should tell that story to the
freshmen at orientation), but it’s pretty cool nonetheless.
Imagine watching a UCLA basketball game 25 years from now and
turning to your spouse to lovingly say, “Remember when we did
it right on top of the U?”
There are quite a few places on campus that I wouldn’t
want to do it, though. The Cooperage, or any on-campus food
establishment, comes to mind (great sandwiches, but I have an
aversion to getting it on amid the smell of fried chicken). Doing
it anywhere out in the open in the middle of the day could get you
arrested and booted from school ““ although sexing it up in
Meyerhoff Park could be seen as some form of free speech political
statement. (Besides, I think if people around here had more sex,
there’d be fewer protests. Just a theory.) You could have sex
somewhere around the theater department in North Campus and claim
that it’s performance art. South Campus sex could be passed
off as an exhibit of the human reproductive process for a biology
class.
So if any of you out there manage to spice up your sex lives
with a little grope-fest in the back of a Math Sciences lecture
hall or in the bushes by Powell, please remember to let me know of
your success stories. A brief note or card are also welcomed in
return for my beneficent influence on student sex lives. Wherever
you decide to indulge in a little on-campus nooky, however, please
remember to be discreet. Lest anyone in an authority position think
I’m encouraging public displays of lewdness and nudity, let
me end with a warning: a bit of public funny business might be
tempting, but please, avoid doing anything that will get you
arrested. If you do get caught, however, you are not to mention my
name to the police.