Attention loyal readers: help me name my sports column!

The names that originate from the world of sports: The Bash
Brothers, The Bob-n-Weave, Chocolate Thunder, are catchy and
creative, ludicrous and forgettable.

And because I am involved in the world of sports ““ I
played Little League once ““ I figure my column should have a
name. Now, I don’t consider myself to be the most creative of
geniuses. In fact, I don’t consider myself to be a genius at
all; one need simply read these ramblings to discover that. In any
case, sports fans, my column needs a name like Kurt Warner needs a
shave “¦ And I need your help like Mike Tyson needs
counseling.

There are plenty of resources from which to draw. We could go
with a long, drawn out title taken from Terrel Owens’ recent
antics. We would call it the
“Take-a-Sharpie-Out-Of-My-Sock-and-Sign-the-Column”
column.

We could also do a rip-off of Jamal Anderson’s touchdown
dance and call my column “The Dirty Word.”Â Does
that mean I would have to dance each time I write a column? Scratch
that idea.

There are lots of columns out there from which we could try to
steal a name: Brian Murphy, a former Daily Bruin sports editor, now
writes for (among other publications) ESPN’s Page 2. His
column is called the Weekend Water Cooler. The Weekday Drinking
Fountain sounds good to me, but I doubt anybody would get it.

Sports Illustrated’s Rick Reilly has The Life of Reilly,
which is probably the most egotistical column title on the market.
Reilly can get away with that, because his column is also the most
entertaining. The thing is, people actually care about the life of
Reilly. The Life of Karon? Not so much.

Steve Rushin (Sports Illustrated) has Air and Space. I could
have Empty Space or Airhead Space.

My roommate and I thought about choosing a generic name, then
spreading the word about how that was not the real name of the
column. Like “Buck Fiddy.” In reality, the place is
called “Roll-In Subs,” but when is the last time you
heard someone call it that? We can claim the column is called
“The Write Stuff,” then tell everyone that the column
is actually called “Good Writtance.”

All this thinking about names forced me to look at my life, and
I realize that I have a problem: I name things. In fact, I name
everything. I named one pet frog “Swan” and the other
“Turtle.”Â I named my ball python “The
Dude” after the greatest movie character of all time. I named
my car “Lucky,” as in “lucky it is still
running.”

I even named the UCLA Bruins’ newest end zone celebration
“The Airplane.” In case you do not know what I am
talking about, you know when you are around your little nephews,
cousins, or siblings and you pick them up, swing them around, and
make airplane noises? Well this airplane is when 5-foot-9-inch
(yeah, right), 170 pound Tyler Ebell scores a touchdown, and
6-foot-6-inch, 296 pound Bryce Bohlander shoulder presses him into
the night sky while Ebell pumps his fists, points to his lineman,
thumps his chest, sings “Sons of Westwood,” and pats
Bohlander on the helmet. Then Bohlander puts him down.

We need something memorable, like the Icky Shuffle. We want
something catchy, like the Lambeau Leap. It should be funny, like
the New Tweeder End Zone Dance.

Maybe we should just consult Shaq. After calling himself
everything from Shaq Diesel to The Big Aristotle, and several names
in between that you probably could not understand, I am sure Shaq
would provide me with a plethora of catchy titles. I can see it
now: Shaqspeare. F. Shaq Fitzgerald. Ralph Waldo Shaqerson. Um, Mr.
O’Neal? This is my column, not yours.

I tried naming my column based on my past experiences, such as
my recent termination from coaching eighth grade flag football. For
example, I have considered “Terminated” (instead of
“Terminator”), “The Fired Scribe,” and
“They Call Me Ex-Coach.” None of these names have the
ring I am looking for.

Therefore I am challenging you, my faithful (and tolerant)
readers, to name my column. Whoever e-mails me a catchy column name
that actually works earns a no-expenses paid trip to a Bowl Game of
your choice and free body paint for the UCLA v. USC game, as well
as getting your name mentioned in the prestigious Daily Bruin.
Happy hunting, sports fans.

Karon has a wart on his foot named Chaz. It works,
OK? E-mail him at ekaron@media.ucla.edu.

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