Eli Karon For a free round of miniature
golf, sneak your own putter into the Park by sticking it down your
pants. For more details e-mail Karon at fishingfan21@yahoo.com.
Click Here for more articles by Eli Karon
The sign said: “Golfers only beyond this
point.”
At that point I should have turned around and returned my club
and ball, because I’ve never golfed a day in my life. But
there was one saving grace to this course, a factor that most UCLA
students don’t consider when thinking about golf.
This golf course was not your standard Tiger Woods-dominated,
Augusta National-esque, CBS Saturday coverage links. Actually,
there are several glaring differences between regulation golf
courses like Pebble Beach and the miniature golf course at the
Sherman Oaks Castle Park, the course I terrorized on Tuesday
evening. The differences are as follows:
“¢bull; Pebble Beach is bordered on one side by the gray-blue
Pacific Ocean, with sea otters frolicking in the surf and ocean
spray cooling the crowds. Nothing protects zany professionals or
wicked slices from finding their way into the depths of the sea.
Sherman Oaks Castle Park is bordered on one side by the mighty and
majestic L.A. River, with mutant fish and empty spray-paint cans
littering the concrete banks. A fence lined with barbed wire
protects wayward golfers and golf balls from the depths (or lack
thereof).
“¢bull; The other side of Pebble Beach is framed by the scenic
17-mile drive, winding past large properties and majestic growths
of evergreens. The other side of the Sherman Oaks Castle Park is
framed by seemingly neverending Sepulveda Boulevard, going straight
past LAX and Mount Saint Mary’s College.
“¢bull; Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and David Duval frequent
Pebble Beach; lowly Daily Bruin writers frequent Sherman Oaks
Castle Park.
“¢bull; Green fees at Pebble Beach are $350. Sherman Oaks Castle
Park doesn’t have greens, but to knock my ball around its
worn-out astro-turf cost me a cool six bucks. Carts at Pebble Beach
will run you 25 bucks per round; the only carts at Sherman Oaks
Castle Park are in the arcade.
 MAIYA HOLLIDAY Daily Bruin sports writer Eli
Karon concentrates intensely as he putts.
“¢bull; Pebble Beach is an 18-hole, par 72 architectural wonder.
Sherman Oaks Castle Park is three 18-hole courses packed into about
5,000 square feet, and architectural annoyances like gingerbread
houses and revolving windmills.
“¢bull; On occasion, you may see a famous golfer smoke a victory
cigar at Pebble Beach following a big win, staring out at the white
caps and sailboats. On occasion, I’ve seen a teenage golfer
smoke a victory joint at Sherman Oaks Castle Park following a
6-over-par hole, talking to the 8-foot-tall dragon and wondering if
Gaylord Focker was joking about that whole “Puff the magic
dragon” thing.
“¢bull; At Pebble Beach you might find Sergio Garcia and Fred
Couples locked in a heated battle on the back nine during the final
round of a prestigious tournament. At Sherman Oaks Castle Park, a
drunken lunatic approached me, announced his name was Buttercup,
and challenged me to a three-hole playoff for nothing more than
pride (OK, I admit it “¦ he beat me).
“¢bull; At Pebble Beach you are required to replace your divots.
At Sherman Oaks Castle Park the cashier will replace any balls lost
in the shrubs or water. Unfortunately for me, they don’t have
a policy on putters thrown, err, lost in the water.
“¢bull; At Pebble Beach the water hazards are lively ecosystems
providing homes for fish and amphibians, drinking holes for deer,
and relaxing ponds for ducks and other birds. At Sherman Oaks
Castle Park, the water hazards look like a watered-down version of
the slime on Nickelodeon’s Double Dare, and provide a lively
ecosystem for golf balls, beer cans and cigarette butts.
They’re also fun to pee into. Not that I’d know.
“¢bull; At Pebble Beach, the crowd often witnesses the winner of
the tournament receiving a congratulatory kiss from his/her spouse.
At Sherman Oaks Castle Park, I saw a guy getting a reach-around
from his girlfriend on the 7th hole, right behind the haunted
house. I swear.
“¢bull; At Pebble Beach, the pros use hundred-dollar putters
“¦ in practice. At Sherman Oaks Castle Park, the putters cost
about six dollars and 21 cents, and the rubber ends made for
excellent shock absorbers when I got rattled on the 15th hole.
“¢bull; When you finish a round at Pebble Beach, you can go
drink. Heavily. When you finish a round at Sherman Oaks Castle
Park, you can go play Dance Dance Revolution. On difficult.
“¢bull; Pebble Beach has a distinguished grounds-keeping crew
that maintains the Bermuda grass and pure white sand traps
religiously. Sherman Oaks Castle Park has a distinguished
grounds-keeping crew that has been on strike for the past eight
years.
“¢bull; Pebble Beach crowds are quieted before every stroke by a
professional golfer. Sherman Oaks Castle Park crowds, though rare,
will do anything to distract you, including giving their boyfriend
a reach-around.
All I’m trying to prove is that, contrary to popular
belief, golfing at Pebble Beach is not all it’s cracked up to
be. I mean, sure it’s beautiful, scenic, relaxing, luxurious,
famous, well-designed, proper and famous, but it merely requires a
heartbeat and some cash to play.
Miniature golf at Sherman Oaks Castle Park, however, requires
coordination, anger management, a strong yelling voice, little
cash, no manners, and the ability to fish your putter out of the
slime without ruining your shoes.
Now THAT’S sport.