When it comes to rivalries, we have it easy here at UCLA. With
all due respect to brussels sprouts, telemarketers and people with
poor oral hygiene, is there anything more loathsome than those
Gucci-clad Carson Palmer apologists at the University of Southern
California?
And now, the school whose students have dubbed the J-Crew
catalog required reading gives us this shocking revelation.
On page three of USC’s football media guide, prominently
featured in the bottom right hand corner is a box containing the
headline, “It’s not “˜Southern
Cal.'”
The remaining text reads: “Note to the media: In editorial
references to athletic teams of the University of Southern
California, the following are preferred: USC, Southern California,
So. California, Troy and Trojans for men’s or women’s
teams, and Women of Troy for women’s teams. PLEASE do not use
Southern Cal (it’s like calling San Francisco
“Frisco” or North Carolina “North
Car”).”
This has to be a joke.
I hate to tear you self-absorbed buffoons in the athletic
department at good ol’ South Central Tech away from their
duties manning the sinking “Carson Palmer for Heisman”
ship, but let’s think about this rationally for a moment.
San Francisco is a city, and a damn fine one at that. North
Carolina is a state. Using them as examples when talking about the
naming rights of your school is a lot like making analogies to the
cuisine at Spago Beverly Hills when grabbing takeout from
Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles.
Let’s call a spade a spade here.
What you really meant was this: “Please don’t
criticize our poor little Trojans. Our fans need a self esteem
boost after the Paul “Can’t” Hackett era, and we
could use all the positive publicity we can get.”
My question is what’s wrong with “Southern
Cal?” It beats the hell out of all the other names people
have for your esteemed academic institution (SUC, the University of
Spoiled Children, and the University of South Central, just to name
a few of the classics.)
Besides, if anything needed a name change worse than NASCAR
driver Dick Trickle, it’s not the name of your school ““
it’s your mascot.
To say the least, the word “Trojans” does not evoke
images of ancient Greek warriors (or even Heisman trophy-caliber
tailbacks) anymore. The only way the football team could possibly
be less intimidating would be if its players painted “ribbed
for her pleasure” across their chests.
Three cheers for USC for being so easy to despise. From its
alumni section teeming with failed movie producers still living off
their trust funds to their golden boy quarterback who has been in
college since the Reagan administration, the Trojans are an easy
target.
Oh, and USC fans”“here is a tip for all of you planning to
bet daddy’s paycheck on the game this weekend, but still
deciding who is going to win.
Your media guide is right: “It’s not Southern
Cal.”