The first rule of The Team is that everybody talks about The
Team.
From there, the rules get more and more absurd.
Then again, with the people that make up this group, anything
less than ridiculous would be uncivilized.
Strap on a golf glove, lace up your shoes, and get ready to hit
the links with The Team, sports fans.
The Team consists of Frosty, Thumper, Dorn, AK and myself. It
was not an easy final cut, but with the exception of Thumper, we
all made it; Thumper is the coach. The nicknames are essential for
admittance to our sacred club, by the way.
Our home course is Van Nuys “country club,” where
the greens are as hard as balls, (golf balls, that is) and the
water hazards are nearly dry.
The rules we abide by are what make The Team special.
You see, The Team is not made up of golfers, but rather of
people who golf.
In fact, in order to be a member, you cannot shoot better than
bogey golf. Not a problem, you say? Then try following these
other rules.
You must quit at least once per round, and I don’t mean
your normal chucking-the-putter, cursing-the- ball quitting scene.
You must quit using the following line from Bull Durham:
“Well (bleep) this (bleeping) game. I quit. I (bleeping)
quit.” Then you can proceed with throwing the
putter.
What makes this rule so great is what is known as the
frustration clause. You cannot get frustrated, period. The thing
is, if you are lucky enough to be on the team, you already know
that you are worse things than the Lakers without Shaq. Why pretend
to get upset when you miss a two-foot putt? Embrace your
weaknesses.
A more general rule is that a good day on the driving range
equals a bad day on the links, and vice versa. That’s just
the way it works, OK?
The youngest golfer keeps score, as a sign of respect to his
elders. Sucks for Frosty.
Unlike baseball, it is okay to swing and miss. You need not be
embarrassed; Coach Thumper will help you out. The only reason he is
coach is because he shoots better than bogey golf, so he did not
actually make the team.
If another golfer almost hits you with an errant shot, feel free
to take aim at him or her. The chances of you hitting he or she are
about equal to the chances of me making that two-foot putt we
talked about earlier.
Members of The Team use irons off the tee, talk over each
other’s backswings, step in each other’s lines, use
golf terms of which they do not know the meaning, and are granted
unlimited mulligans, whatever that means.
You may only golf twice per week if you are a member of The
Team, lest you improve your game and shoot better than bogey
golf.
Perhaps the biggest rule of The Team is that all golf equipment
must be either a hand-me-down born before 1970 or an item purchased
on eBay. While AK got a new golf bag, Frosty just purchased a full
set of clubs, a bag, some balls, a hat, a pair of shoes and a few
tees on eBay for less than the cost of my late fees at Powell.
The thing is, he has to share. This is another rule of The Team.
We teach sportsmanship, which means that I can ask Frosty for his
shoes in the middle of a hole, and he has to give them to me. Those
are the terms.
Anything within 10 feet of the hole is a “gimme,”
while chips that go less than one foot don’t count.
What happens if it rains? We roll out the green carpet, fix
a Dixie cup to the end of it, and practice our putting.
Over the course of the day, AK is sure to hit any one of his
irons exactly 100 yards. Lucky for us we have Dorn along to remind
everyone of his favorite maxim:Â “Better straight than
long.” This comes courtesy of Dorn’s grandfather.
When Dorn is hacking his ball out of the dirt with a pitching
iron, AK is sure to remind him to clean his ball when the hole is
completed. “Clean balls are happy balls,” he says.
Yeah they are.
So if you promise not to shoot better than bogey golf, vow to
quit but not get frustrated, and are not opposed to having us talk
on your backswing, you just may be eligible for The Team.
Just promise not to do well, and you have a good chance to
become part of this wonderful tradition of mediocrity.
Karon’s column runs every Tuesday.