Tonight, Undergraduate Students Association Council elections
will come to a nail-biting end. Members of opposing slates will
gather in front of Kerckhoff Hall to wait for the results to be
announced. Slowly, word will leak that a winner has been declared,
at which point losing candidates will set fire to Meyerhoff Park,
forcing the new president to declare martial law as angry students
set up a siege that could last well into ninth week.
What will actually happen is that some students will gain
victory for their slate, another group of students will be said to
have, sort of, lost, and the tangible effect of the elections on
your life next year will basically be zero.
“Each year really just seems the same, so it doesn’t
seem like it matters who is running,” third-year psychology
student Sam Dores said.
Yet, at the beginning of each spring quarter, students descend
upon Bruin Walk, handing out pamphlets vaguely claiming to
“increase school diversity” and “represent
students’ voices.” Then whoever is elected spends the
next year arguing about when people are allowed to speak during
meetings and whether the shades in the president’s office
should stay open or closed. The good things that USAC accomplishes
are hidden behind bureaucracy and bickering.
“I don’t think USAC has had a good history of
putting its name on (tangible accomplishments),” admits
current Internal Vice President Kristina Doan.
Is it any wonder that student apathy toward student government
has run more amok than a monkey chasing a poorly constructed
comparison? Student government doesn’t have to be an eerie
facsimile of the way real lawmakers operate, replete with bickering
and no candidates who inspire our support. We’re in college
““ we’re supposed to be wacky, promiscuous drunkards,
not kids playing Beltway dress-up. Instead of concerning themselves
with bylaws and posturing, our student leaders should act like
Emory University Student Government Association President Amrit
Dhir.
Dhir, who was elected last spring, has spent this school year
dissolving the student legislature, assuming the title of
“supreme ruler,” and forming a Department of War to
battle Washington University in St. Louis. He has succeeded in
piquing student interest and injecting drama into the normally dull
arena of student government.
“That kid’s awesome,” said Naresh Jegadeesh, a
fourth-year student at Emory. When asked whether he’d prefer
a normal student government or one whose president declared himself
supreme ruler, Jegadeesh chose “one that abolishes the
student senate. Because I love drama. It’s like
“˜Desperate Housewives.'”
Emory’s students are not alone in revolting against the
same-old, same-old of undergraduate governance. North Carolina
State University’s current student president, Whil Piavis,
ran on a “Pirate Captain” platform and won, and has
fulfilled his governmental duties this year in full pirate
regalia.
A similar stunt was attempted here last year, as presidential
candidate Jake Strom did much of his campaigning in a chicken suit
and proffered outlandish proposals like building a ski lift from
Sproul Hall to Bunche. He didn’t actually seem interested in
governing, and he lost, but last year’s election cycle was at
least more interesting to watch.
The way candidates campaign and then govern is maddeningly
serious and boring. USAC may actually do real work that benefits
students ““ Doan characterizes most of it as “behind the
scenes” ““ but that doesn’t mean the public face
of USAC couldn’t use a relaxation of the bureaucracy and an
increase in good humor.
Why not take a page from the Slate Refund banners on Bruin Walk
and fight for endorsements from UCLA athletes? Why not have boxing
matches between candidates in Meyerhoff Park?
“I’m down for boxing,” Doan said,
“especially if we can take bets and defer the cost of
elections.”
We’d certainly be deferring the terrible mental cost of
fighting through the slog of candidates whose only goal is to get a
slate flyer to stick somewhere on your person.
Officers could be forced to wear ninja costumes to USAC meetings
and take turns trying to excommunicate each other. Anything,
really, to make USAC interesting for students to follow. The future
could be revolutionary. Just think about it: Kelvin Kim vs. a
pirate. Now there’s an election I would vote in.