Daniel Miller’s New Year’s resolutions: remember his
friends’ birthdays, exercise less, and write more columns
about food.
My New Year’s Eve was wonderfully fun, and the day after
that night of debauchery, I departed for a road trip up the coast
of California on Highway 1 with a few friends. As I stared out
at the vast Pacific Ocean from the back seat of the minivan,
nursing a mild hangover, I got to thinking about life’s
bigger questions.
Because that’s what I do. I think about UCLA athletics all
the time.
Having already penned my own resolutions, I thought of some
resolutions for the UCLA basketball program: past, present and
future.
“¢bull; Jason Kapono should vow to stop copying my hairstyle.
Seriously man, the coiffure he sported earlier this season really
reminded me of myself. However, having cut his hair, Kapono
contributed a dismal performance in Wednesday’s loss to
USC.
Coincidence?
On second thought, if my haircut helps Kapono score, then
it’s fine by me, but otherwise, keep the mullet trimmed.
“¢bull; Former Bruin Dan Gadzuric, who currently flails around
at center for the NBA’s Milwaukee Bucks, should resolve to
change the pronunciation of his name from gad-zu-REECH back to
gad-ZUR-ic because his decision to alter the pronunciation is
absolutely ridiculous.
I am assuming Gadzuric waited to drop the bomb on Milwaukee
because that fair city’s populace would have a better time
understanding his decision than this university. Apparently it has
to do with Gadzuric’s desire to get back in touch with his
Dutch roots, because that’s how they pronounce the name over
there in Dutchland. In the words of Dr. Evil, “How
“˜bout NO, you crazy Dutch bastard.”
“¢bull; The basketball team should resolve that its black
jerseys never come out of the closet this season. I think the team
usually pulls them out when it gets ripped and needs some
inspiration.
With that in mind, you’d think the players would start
wearing them every game. Never mind the fact that the black jerseys
aren’t flattering to John Hoffart’s baby blues (the
blue jerseys bring out that sparkle) or his natural highlights; the
uniforms are simply atrocious. I may shop for clothing at T.J.
Maxx, but I am pretty sure black, blue and gold clash.
“¢bull; T.J. Cummings should vow to stop copying my basketball
game with all the ball hogging (0.9 assists per game) and the
ill-advised shots. He should play more like, in the words of
Goldmember, his “faja.”Â
“¢bull; Since haircuts are obviously crucial to the basketball
team’s success, I would be remiss in failing to mention that
fact that Steve Lavin, T.J. Cummings and Ryan Hollins all have
terrible haircuts. Even though Cummings’ hairdo may have
landed him Missy Elliot’s “Work It” video,
“it surely is not worth it / we must not let him work it / he
must put his thang down, flip it and reverse it.”
Cummings and the others should resolve to shave those messes off
their skulls and start over.
In fact, with the athletic department embracing an
entrepreneurial spirit with its $80 million dollar courtside seats,
why doesn’t the department order Lavin, Cummings and Hollins
to grow their hair out, then have it cut off and sold (I’ve
heard of girls doing this for charity or money or something). The
proceeds could pay for the repainting of Pauley Pavilion’s
court (it looks so shabby John Wooden must have been coach the last
time it was given a fresh coat).
“¢bull; Bruin fans can only hope Southern Cal will resolve to
keep producing players like Desmon Farmer, whose hand-clapping and
trashy, thug-like demeanor make him so easy to hate (although it
would have been more fulfilling to chant “airball”
after a Farmer miss, had the Bruins won Wednesday night).
“¢bull; Finally, the UCLA basketball team should vow to win its
annual rivalry game next season.
Against Branch West.
Miller owns a snazzier suit than Ray Young. E-mail Miller at
dmiller@media.ucla.edu to discuss fashion.