Doug Lief Doug Lief is a fourth-year
student majoring in English, while shadow-Doug Lief is a third-year
minoring in English. E-mail the real McCoy at dlief@media.ucla.edu.
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President Bush made headlines recently when he created a
so-called shadow government that could carry out his leadership
duties, were he ever incapacitated, sort of like a Dick Cheney 2.0.
The shadow government, designed as a precautionary measure against
a terrorist attack, quickly drew fire from critics both inside and
outside the government proper as “really freakin’
creepy.” The shadow government is really just a collection of
high-ranking bureaucratic benchwarmers. Say what you like about it;
I love it, and I’ve even got one myself. In fact, I may not
have even written this column.
Recently, I wrote a piece criticizing President Bush and
received a significant backlash from right-wing wackos, and since
it tends to be the right-wing wackos hoarding all the weaponry, I
decided that it might be wise to start looking into contingencies.
I sent my roommate on a goodwill five-hour tour of conservative
clubs on campus, spending exactly 23 minutes at each, but this only
resulted in an increased number of pamphlets. Until the UCLA
republican axis of evil is eliminated, my irreverent values will
not be safe for future generations to enjoy.
This is where shadow-Doug Lief comes in. Perhaps you’ve
met shadow-Doug Lief at a party, or perhaps he’s sitting next
to you in class as you read this, staring over your shoulder,
chewing a pop-tart with his mouth open (I really have to talk to
him about that). Granted, a copy of me can never be quite as swift,
or smarmy or even as Jewish as the original, but he’s come a
long way in the months since Sept. 11.
Observe shadow-Doug Lief’s first attempt at copying my
style. Here’s an excerpt from his proposed column on
ABC’s new reality dating show, “The
Bachelor:”
“ABC is really doing disservice to random ’60s pop
culture reference. It makes me so mad I could invent a word like
squiglanimous, eh? If only I weren’t so bad at dating myself,
I’d go on that show and totally self-deprecate. Oy, I’m
thirsty.”
After months of intensive Doug Lief immersion therapy, however,
shadow-Doug Lief’s writing is so squiglanimous you can barely
tell the difference between his and mine, and since I myself am
only a shadow for Dave Barry, the quality of a third-generation
doppelganger is all the more striking.
As you can see, having a shadow, or clone-slave, can be quite
useful, but where do you keep it? How do you feed it? The shadow
government is housed in Cold War facilities on the East Coast, a la
the end of “Dr. Strangelove.” The current shadow
government, however, is really doing a disservice to Dr.
Strangelove because there is a considerable mineshaft gap between
the shadow government and me. What little mine space I own is used
up storing the Norton Anthology of English Literature, Volumes I
through XCIV, leaving precious little space for shadow-Doug
Lief’s saline tank and defribulator (turns out shadow people
are rather unstable).
If, however, you can afford the expenditures to keep a shadow of
yourself alive and coherent, I highly recommend this timesaving
practice. Some might call it “illegal” or
“playing God,” but it’s no worse that burning a
back-up copy of the Weather Girls’ Greatest Hit. That missing
“˜s’ is no accident. Since President Bush has no qualms
about giving his cabinet the old KaZaA, you can do it too.
So I’ve found a way to ensure Doug Liefism can withstand
any form of assault, but what about the student government here at
UCLA? For a long time, USAC elections have comprised of confusing
elections between Praxis, Nexus, Lexus, Evil-Axis, Crispix and
Bisquick. Each party runs on a separate platform of issues,
including diversity, diversity and diversenessitude. Soon, I will
form the Whatsis party and vaunt shadow-Doug Lief to political
prominence on the grounds that a shadow is a very small minority.
This way I can continue my malignant influence long after my
graduation this June.
The practicality of a shadow government all comes down to a
question of prevailing national attitude: do we want to be the
United States of Just In Case? When does precaution give way to
prognostication? The purpose of the shadow government is to spread
both responsibility and, therefore, vulnerability too thin to
render any single part of it a meaningful target. Unfortunately,
like a mineshaft filled with saline to protect my column, most
governmental redundancy amounts to needless waste, and, even worse,
conflicts often occur between the redundant parties. I don’t
buy pants for my shadow to cover my ass.