Saratoga. Gettysburg. Normandy. Westwood. The great battles of our time have been fought for a number of different things, and this week gymnastics, basketball and football enter the equation. With big news swirling around those respective UCLA teams, two of our staffers go head to head. May the best columnist win.
The gymnastics team won UCLA’s 105th NCAA title last weekend. What’s your best event?
Ryan Eshoff:Since it’s natural that we go with men’s apparatuses, mine is undoubtedly the high bar. It’s symbolic for my strategy in Battle of the Columnists: setting the bar high. After I’m done soaring through the air like some Michael Jordan-Paul Hamm hybrid, we’ll see how Mr. Smukler’s routine can respond.
Eli Smukler: My best event is also a metaphorical match for the rest of this debate, as I “vault” my way to victory. But seriously, the vault event combines my gazelle-like speed, my ox-like strength and my Shakespeare-like ability to make similes. And like Vanessa Zamarripa, I’m confident I will score a Perfect 10!
So, which team brings No. 106 to Westwood?
Ryan Eshoff: Gymnastics! Teams will come up short until this time next year, when it’s deja vu all over again for a squad that ONLY LOSES ONE SENIOR. Really, the only chance the NCAA has of stopping the Bruins is forcing them to do men’s events. We know who they can come to for coaching if that happens, and it’s not Smukler.
Eli Smukler: The gym rats (that’s a compliment) are going to have to wait because this one belongs to the women’s tennis team. Did you know they just SWEPT the draws for the Pac-10 Championships last weekend heading into the NCAA Tourney? Just like I’m doing with this B.o.t.C.
What do you think of the hiring of Phil Mathews to replace Donny Daniels as assistant men’s basketball coach?
Ryan Eshoff:We’ll talk in a few years when Phil’s son Jordan (sounds like a ’90s Bulls reference) makes his commitment. If it’s to Westwood, Phil will have done his job. Recruiting is the name of the game in basketball as in journalism. Eli, can you guarantee your son will be a successful columnist someday? I think not.
Eli Smukler:My son can be whatever kind of columnist he wants to be, Ryan; whether he’s as widely successful as me is up to him. As for Mathews, his Southern California roots should help keep that local talent local. But it might be too late for him to salvage the class of 2010. Too bad your chances here are even smaller.
When his NBA career is finished, where will UCLA alum Russell Westbrook rank on the list of all-time Bruin ballers?
Ryan Eshoff:The basketball/journalism parallels continue to this question. Kareem = Bill Simmons. Russell Westbrook = Ryan Eshoff. And Michael Fey = Eli Smukler (my apologies, Michael). A long way to go for Russ to get to the top, but the talent and potential is there. Yes, I would like fries with that, Smukler.
Eli Smukler:“Hustle” Russell came into this league with a lot of upside and it seems to go up on a daily basis. He will be remembered as the best UCLA alum to ever play the point when he’s out of the league, which will be about the time you finally get over my devastating victory. Enjoy that special sauce, Eshoff.
UCLA football is slated for four games on national TV this fall. How will they respond to that pressure?
Ryan Eshoff:I know a thing or two about performing under pressure, as both my editor and my girlfriend can attest to. Biggest TV game of the season will be when the Bruins venture into Austin, Texas. Hopefully they’ll come out on top, but we all saw what happened when Eli Smukler was welcomed to the war zone for the first time. Yikes.
Eli Smukler:The first time I wrote a story on deadline, the newspaper kiosks were emptied by 9 a.m. Bruin football has had a similar work ethic this spring and will definitely surprise a few this year. But it takes a unique talent to win under the brightest spotlight. Someday, Ryan Eshoff might find out what that’s like.