World of sports should also have a recall process

This is a historic time for California citizens as they
nervously await the gubernatorial recall process. 

OK, it’s more like they’re laughing with cigars in
their mouths while lounging back in reclining chairs, but
nonetheless, the imminent recall election is historic on some
moronic level. 

While we wait and see if it’s hasta la vista, baby, for
Gov. Gray Davis, let’s apply the power of the recall process
to the wide, but not so wonderful, world of sports. 

Choosing candidates to be recalled isn’t a whimsical and
lighthearted process. Candidates’ resumés should
include degrading the sport they take part in and displaying
animosity toward everyone and everything. Although there is a
superabundance of athletes that meet the requirements, we will
limit ourselves to only the most vile.

Steve Lavin and Bob Toledo, although the blame is not entirely
theirs, made the 2002-2003 UCLA men’s basketball and football
seasons almost unbearable to watch.

DECISION: Oh, they’ve already been recalled. Thank you
very much, Dan Guerrero.

Barry Bonds hates everything that breathes, walks, or holds a
microphone “¦ or so it seems. Remember when your mother
told you if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say
anything? I guess Bonds grew up in Opposite World because he
has nothing nice to say about anything … except
himself. 

Barry recently slammed Babe Ruth, saying he wants to pass all
the Bambino’s records and end the discussion of who is the
greatest left-handed slugger of all-time. Hey Bonds, did you
forget all the World Series titles won by The Babe? Did you
know he has a higher batting average, slugging percentage, on-base
percentage, and more RBI than you? He also boasts one of the lowest
pitching ERAs in baseball history.   

Barry Bonds, grow up. 

DECISION: Begrudgingly, Bonds is allowed to continue
playing. He is the greatest baseball player of our time, and
it’s amazing what he is achieving, but that doesn’t
change the fact that he has the maturity of a 5-year-old.

Bud Selig, baseball’s commissioner, is easily one of the
most hated commissioners of all time. 

Attendance is dwindling, interest is waning, competition is
disgusting, and Selig shoulders a lot of the blame. Does
anyone like this guy? We should have seen it coming because before
officially becoming commissioner, Selig owned the Milwaukee
Brewers. All you need to know about the Brewers is they’ve
sniffed about as much success as Fred Savage.

DECISION: Recall. Mark Cuban should be every league’s
commissioner.

If the WNBA were any other common organization, it would have
closed its doors years ago. Attendance at 8 a.m. college
classes is better than at WNBA games. 

Speaking strictly in terms of business, the WNBA puts forward an
unwatchable product. If Sue Bird, one of the league’s
brightest and not to mention sexiest stars, is making a bet with a
local radio personality that involves spanking, something is
definitely wrong. Something about no one noticing the elephant
in the middle of the movie theater rings true in this case.

Especially if the movie is “Gigli.”

DECISION: Recall. Bring back cartoons to fill the dead air
time.

Golf rules are among the most antiquated and ridiculous in all
of sports. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the sport (yes,
it’s a sport), but disqualifying journeyman Mark Roe’s
dreams of winning the British Open because he kept score on the
wrong scorecard is absurd. Why do professional golfers have to keep
score anyway when 717 other people are keeping score for them? We
don’t send transatlantic messages by sailboat anymore. We use
speedboats.

DECISION: Recall. Rewrite the rule book to accommodate the 21st
century.

Seth Fast Glass would have run for governor, but he needed
65 signatures and $3,500. E-mail your condolences at
sglass@media.ucla.edu.