The question, at this point, is not whether to take the “Twilight” series seriously ““ if you don’t have pictures of Robert Pattinson on your walls, feel free to laugh when the vampires sparkle in the sunlight. Rather, the real question is whether “Twilight” is taking itself seriously anymore.
We knew from the beginning that the adaptations of Stephenie Meyer’s mega-bestsellers would have to be huge in every way, and the first film ““ for better or worse ““ was exactly that. “Twilight” knew itself to be a love story above all else, and did not pretend otherwise.
Cue “New Moon,” here to remind us that “Twilight” is really about vampires and werewolves. In “New Moon,” Bella (Kristen Stewart) is starting her senior year of high school, every moment of which she assumes will be spent with her bloodsucking boyfriend Edward (Pattinson). Sigh ““ if only the barrage of “Romeo and Juliet” references were as obvious to her as they are to anyone watching.
The neighbors begin to notice that the Cullens don’t age, so it’s time they moved on to a new town. Which means, obviously, that Edward must leave Bella forever, presumably because a happy school year makes for poor drama. Bella spends about half the movie testing the extremes of depression, and the other half falling into a conflicted sort of love with Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), who waits a very long time before admitting that he’s a werewolf.
The good news is that Pattinson, who risks pulling a muscle every time he grimaces, has a smaller role than he did in the first film. The bad news is nearly everything else. Lautner gives us a less morose leading man, but even if he were a better actor, his insistence on appearing shirtless would still rob him of all credibility.
And whereas “Twilight” was a romance that happened to involve some fantasy, “New Moon” is a fantasy film that happens to involve some romance, resulting in an exponential increase in absurdity.
It would be an even more disastrous movie, though, if not for Stewart. She is a formidable beauty, certainly, but is also the quintessential icon for teenage angst, and despite having the most ridiculous dialogue, she maintains an admirable level of believability. There is always the hope that a film such as this will, at the very least, be so bad that it’s irresistibly hilarious. “New Moon,” unfortunately, fulfills that criterion only once: when Bella and a few of her classmates go to see an action movie. That movie ““ the brilliance of which is almost too great to type ““ is called “Face Punch.” If, for whatever reason, you are forced to see “New Moon,” cherish that title, and repeat it to yourself whenever you get bored, frustrated, or exasperated ““ which will be often.
““ Alex Goodman
E-mail Goodman at agoodman@media.ucla.edu.