If I had to pinpoint the period of time when Halloween loses its innocence, I’d say middle school. It’s around that time that Disney princess costumes are shortened into minidresses and boys realize that dressing up like sleazy men has a surprisingly effective lure on the ladies. With all of these tweens dressing up as baby Cisco Adlers and PG-13 Snow Whites, it’s only natural that by the time they hit high school, the kids are emulating Roman Polanski or Britney Spears getting out of a car.
That’s why I’ve created this list of Halloween dos and don’ts. Despite being old enough to make your own scholarly decisions, it’s always good to have a second opinion to mock or support your life choices.
Do: Have a timely and witty costume. For example, last year, political costumes were appropriate because of the election. Take current events and public figures into account when choosing a clever getup. (Did I hear someone say “Jon & Kate Plus 8?”)
Don’t: Go to Santa Barbara. It’s a hotbed for potential venereal disease and bad decisions. Every time someone announces that he will be going to party in Santa Barbara for Halloween, a teen forgets to take her birth control. You’re in Los Angeles, there is plenty to do, and you don’t want to be held responsible for impregnating one of the 17-year-olds dressed with her friends as “fire hos.”
Do: Remember that this is the best time of year to buy a gallon of fake blood. It’s the best and most cost-efficient way to top off any costume. Turn your prom queen costume into Carrie or a clown into a member of the Insane Clown Posse. Through the power of the imagination, any figure, real or fictional, can be killed off. Don’t like Robert Pattinson or his movie character? Legally kill both with a gallon of fake blood. In doing this, you are also given the creative rights to how the person dies. Be it suicide, stabbing or unfortunate accident, it’s up to you. Also, fake blood is an excellent way of killing your buddies’ stupid costumes. “Oh, you’re a sexy cat? Now you’re road kill.” Get into the spirit.
Don’t: Think it’s okay to go out in lingerie. This is for both males and females. Men, wearing booty shorts and a bra isn’t funny or ironic; it’s disgusting and overdone. There is only one costume in which men can pull this look off, and that’s Dr. Frank-N-Furter from “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” As for the ladies, modest is hottest. The only time that revealing cleavage and legs would have even the slightest whisper of being acceptable is if your costume were Daisy Delahoya from VH1’s “Daisy of Love” and “Rock of Love.” Pop-culture references are always a do, and the more vacuous, the better.
Do: Take your plans into account when deciding on a costume. If you’re going to be walking around Westwood all night, your ’70s disco pumps with the goldfish inside are going to be a bad choice. Either wear something you can walk in from place to place (e.g. flats, sneakers) and put the costume shoes on just before you walk into the party or make another choice. The streets of Westwood have killed many of my footwear dreams. For example, I can’t start up my Team Pup ‘n’ Suds v. Team X-Blades competitive Rollerblading plans. While some might look at the cracks in the pavement and uneven terrain as setbacks, I look at them as opportunities to be creative: I could incorporate my full-body cast into a mummy costume.
Don’t: Dress up as couples. It’s gross. All it makes me want to do is yell “Break up” at you from across the street and immediately duck out after I do it. One half of the couple always looks like one of those sad dogs that are tortured into a costume. If people could walk around with their tail down and silently express their discomfort and embarrassment by walking away from anyone approaching them, they would.
With these ideas in mind, I’m hoping that the collective student body will be able to make less terrible decisions this October. As an American and a human being, I’m not proud to report that the survey results for the National Retail Federation’s top adult Halloween costumes include both vampires and wenches, tarts or vixens in the top five. This country needs change. Yes, we can, Bruins. Yes, we can.
E-mail Jagerman at njagerman@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.