Athletes today just aren’t what they used to be.
Back in the day, our favorite stars kept their private lives more guarded than Pablo Escobar’s planes. We didn’t know who cut their hair, where they liked to eat or even their preferred shoe size.
It was all very mysterious business.
Now, all that’s changed. And for one reason ““ Twitter.
In case you haven’t heard, Twitter allows anyone to publicly post a couple lines of text about anything they want to sound off about. It’s a fad that has clearly caught the attention of some of the biggest names in sports. Even though it’s just a few words at a time, these little posts speak volumes about their poster.
Take the Clippers’ point guard and UCLA alumnus Baron Davis for example. Davis Tweets multiple times a day and has about 34,000 Twitter followers. A typical post? Try May 22 at 8:38 a.m.: “Hop up out the beeeeeeddd turn my swagg on ……………. Watchin Kill Bill before I workout! Classic!”
See, this post says a lot about Davis. He’s a fan of Soulja Boy, probably a connoisseur of Tarantino films and enjoys midmorning workouts. I wonder if he says “what up” to himself in the mirror, too.
On a side note, isn’t eight in the morning a little early for three hours of blood, guts and brains?
Moving on to Exhibit B. Magic center Dwight “Superman” Howard on Feb. 14 at 7:51 a.m.: “Can I get some more bacon up in here?”
The best big man in basketball resorting to Twitter to get his bacon? That’s like Bill Gates ordering a Mac on eBay.
On top of that, when it comes to bacon, Howard should never have to ask for more. He’s not Oliver Twist ““ just keep bringing the big man plates until he says stop.
One of the biggest Twitter personalities has got to be Shaq. He’s got more than 1 million followers. Shaq dishes out some life lessons (May 19, 8:12 a.m.: “”˜Vision without implementation is hallucination’ ““ Benjamin Franklin”) and funny quips (May 22, 3:45 p.m.: “I’m at the orlando airport the first one touches me wins a prize…”).
And he doesn’t pull any punches (May 24, 4:14 p.m.: “The san diego wildlife parks sucks, u pay all this money and u cnt evn see the dam animals, Lions , tigers, and bears no way Uaaaw gag …”).
Without attempting to interpret the final two words there, it’s apparent that Shaq likes his animals and that wildlife park just didn’t cut it. Way to go, San Diego. Now you know why the Clippers left.
But basketball players aren’t the only ones Twittering up a storm lately. Take the Giants’ quarterback Eli Manning. His posts tell you everything interesting about the guy: absolutely nothing.
The dude’s Twitter is more boring than watching global warming. It’s filled with insightful comments such as “pro bowl was fun,” “go nfc” and “really focused for Pittsburgh this weekend.”
It’s basically the literary equivalent of taking a bite out of a cardboard box.
No wonder he only has 16,000 Twitter followers. He’s probably losing them by the hour.
Then there’s Barry Zito ““ the grossly overpaid and underperforming Giant pitcher. His Twitter is just about what to expect from his eccentric reputation.
He throws up crazy posts like, “Next time you dream lucidly try changing the lighting. not too easy” and, “I mean, who knew that stuff smelled just like pancake mix?”
He also muses about the “crazy ear pressure thing” that happens when a back window is open and how “stride yellow gum tastes like fruit stripe from the old days.”
Somebody please give this man a talk radio show.
And while you’re at it, open the phone lines. I know some athletes who have a few words to say.
Just leave Eli out of it.
E-mail Feder at jfeder@media.ucla.edu if you’re a religious follower of Shaqzilla’s Twitter.