It comes as no surprise that almost everyone you meet comes with a little baggage.
Loss of your “dating virginity” has a significant impact on the kind of person you become, whether it be trusting or skeptical, too picky or overly accepting.
But why does that impact have to spill into my life?
Overall, I consider myself a genuinely open person. I share my experiences when people ask me for advice, and I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I even write about and bring them to all of you once a week. But I still know to keep my mouth shut when it comes to an old flame/new flame situation.
Recently, I started seeing a guy who seemed too good to be true from the get-go.
I ignored the initial “aspiring actor” red flag because he made me smile, and more importantly, made my friends laugh. He was attractive, had great teeth and showed interest in me … everything I was looking for in a man at that moment.
After three weeks of mutually conflicting schedules that kept us from seeing each other, a culmination of over-sharing hit the fan.
I spent an hour, in complete shock, listening to him rant on and on about his recent ex-girlfriend, whom he had thought he would eventually marry. I received a play-by-play analysis of the end of their relationship all the way through the break up as well as an explanation of why he wasn’t interested in dating anyone for a “very long time.”
While I acknowledge my “ex-files” guy may be dealing with his hurt feelings, he is not going to get anywhere by wallowing in the past and refusing to move forward.
I’ve known this person for maybe a month. Honestly, I don’t know him well enough to care deeply about what went on, or is still going on, in his past romantic life; I can only care about what I’ve seen since meeting him.
Of course, to add to this already bizarre opening of the “ex-files,” he continued to kiss me periodically, as if I wasn’t already completely confused to begin with. Quite ironic, considering women are stereotyped as the crazy gender.
Now don’t get me wrong, this is not a bitter rant on one particular guy choosing not to date me. It’s actually a bitter rant on the way he went about it.
It makes complete sense that people’s lives contain priorities that they personally determine, and that I may not be one of those priorities.
In fact, my priorities don’t often include men either.
This particular guy was new to Los Angeles, had goals to help care for his family and a small time period to do so. These qualities made him quite admirable.
If he stated that these priorities were what kept him from dating me, I would have been much more accepting of the situation. Whether or not he was emotionally unavailable would have been irrelevant.
While I appreciate his honesty about the ex, I really didn’t need to waste that hour of my life and the weeks I spent dating him on his past heartbreak, something I had nothing to do with.
After a few days passed, and a few more awkward text messages were exchanged, I decided it would be best to take the high road and respect his wishes.
Considering our uncomfortable beginning, this probably means he and I will never develop into anything romantic, and friendship may be hard to come by.
The silver lining was brought to my attention by my friends. They told me it was better to find this out now than to waste months or years of my life dating an emotionally unavailable guy.
Apparently, my guy is using this whole idea of emotional unavailability as a crutch or an excuse to keep from moving forward.
I’ve been through my fair share of heartbreak, and the biggest mistake I’ve made was sitting at home, analyzing what happened and just waiting to feel whole and healed again before venturing out with new romantic interests.
There is no magic formula as to when you will be over an ex.
After the first kiss, baggage is inevitable for any party, technically speaking.
Here is where optimism comes in handy. If you still hold the belief that “the one” or “the one for now” or “the next one” is still out there, you will eventually be fine.
Guess what?
Everyone knows there was someone that came before; at our age, very few people remain untainted by the relationship world.
Check that emotional baggage at the door of a potential new relationship and keep your “ex-files” confidential.
Bitter and tainted? E-mail Forde at nforde@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.