My dearest United States of America,
It is with great regret that I write this letter of secession. Yet, considering your financial instability, I feel that what I am about to suggest is in my best interest. I have always looked out for No. 1 (me, California), and as your ship rapidly sinks, I have no choice but to cut my losses and run while I can.
My sincerest apologies to the late Mr. Lincoln, who is likely rolling in his proverbial grave right now. Yet I truly believe that even he would condone my decision to secede from the nation, given these trying economic times.
As you well know, your economy is quickly crashing. Your immortal empire is starting to show signs of decay. One need only pick up a newspaper and read the headlines to get a sense of what is going on ““ “Consumers in U.S. Increase Savings While Spending Less,” “Welfare Aid Isn’t Growing as Economy Drops Off.” Unemployment rates are soaring, yet federal compensation is declining. Baby boomers are withdrawing from their social security accounts before that institution collapses entirely. There is corporate debt, mortgage debt, falling currency value, and an external debt well over $13 trillion. And guess who’s going to have to foot a good chunk of that bill? That’s right, me.
As the home of a variety of economic regions, I’m responsible for 13 percent of your total gross domestic product. If things were fair, I would only make up 2 percent as one of 50 states. This disproportionate percentage is due to my great success in so many areas. Hollywood accounts for my achievements in the entertainment industry; Silicon Valley keeps me on the cutting edge of technology; my Central Valley area supplies the nation, as well as the world, with great agriculture; and my wines, produced in Napa Valley and Paso Robles (to name a couple) can’t be beat. With so much going for me, there is no question that, without you, I could support my own residents ““ all 37 million of them. In global economy rankings, I consistently rank between seventh and 10th place in the world when considered as my own economic entity.
So why shouldn’t I be my own entity? What are you doing for me other than burdening my golden coast with mountains of financial debt?
With so much national contribution coming from me, I’m not surprised that other states are getting a free ride off of my payment. The Tax Foundation has named some states as “beneficiaries” and others as “donors.” These titles are given according to the amount of federal spending states receive per tax dollar that the states pay to the federal government. For every dollar my state sends to your federal government, I currently receive around 75 cents in returned federal spending. I’m obviously a donor. My extra quarter goes to states like Mississippi and Alaska, beneficiaries who make close to $2 in spending for every one that they pay in taxes. And D.C.? Our nation’s capital makes $5.55 for every $1 of federal taxes.
All of that said, my unemployment rate is higher than almost every other state’s; my school systems are lacking; my population far exceeds those of states like Alaska, and while I may once have had a strong economy, I now don’t have a penny to waste. I don’t have the funds to finance my own programs because my tax dollars are tied up in your fixed federal funds. Every extra program I want to run to benefit the state has to come from out of my pocket. So I’m done donating to other states. I have my own problems to fix.
Furthermore, my specific programs can be voted on with much less bureaucratic red tape if they don’t have to go through the U.S. Senate. So, I’m taking my money out of your infinite whirlpool of spending and keeping it where I know it’s safe: with me.
Sure, this secession has kinks to work out, like whether or not my citizens will still be considered Americans, or whether airlines will still consider us part of the continental U.S. (I’m not willing to give up my flight deals to New York.) Yet of one thing I am certain: With the economy in such a state of disarray, I am doing what is best for the people of California. With economic autonomy, I have a better chance of keeping myself in top shape, keeping Californian mouths fed, and keeping Californian people employed. Any government that doesn’t support a plan that benefits its people is no better than a tyrannical government that enforces taxation without representation.
If California tax dollars stay within California, my population can rest assured that they’re being well represented, for Californians always have California’s best interests in mind. So I’m sorry New Mexico, you may have to find another rich state to support your $2.03 federal spending return per tax dollar, because it won’t be me. And when you get back on your feet, United States, we can talk about getting back together. I’ll be right here sunning myself on my own golden beaches, eating the fruits of my own agricultural pursuits, waiting for you to figure yourself out.
Sincerely,
California
Are you ready to be a citizen of the nation of California? E-mail Hein at nhein@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.