The Oscars were on Sunday, and I didn’t watch them because I don’t like being bored. Normally, I like watching awards ceremonies, especially the Oscars, because I have a special place in my heart for couture gowns, drunk actors and a regal atmosphere that emphasizes the gravitas that good movies can hold. But this year, I’m just not that into the Academy Awards, just like Chris Brown is not that into being a good person, or like UCLA men’s basketball is just not that into winning games.
All Washington State-fueled bitterness aside, I saw a few of the nominated movies this year, and they were pretty good. But nothing blew me away like last year’s films did, and that’s probably due to the unfortunate lack of Daniel Day-Lewis. The Academy Awards ceremony is like a traditionally bland rump roast that, as tradition dictates, just can’t be aptly spiced, no matter how many awful musical numbers are performed or how many “jokes” Hugh Jackman makes.
That’s why I think there should be some new categories added to the Academy Awards that would make the whole thing a lot more interesting, but not in a dumpy People’s Choice Awards kind of way. The attitude behind these new awards would still be critically elitist, as you’ll find in examples below.
The real beauty of these categories is that they’re not stifled by antiquated restrictions like “timeliness,” meaning the winners of said awards could be selected from any film from any year. So without further ado, I present to the academy my list of new categories for awards that would be beneficial to the ceremony, and more importantly, to the United States of America.
Acting that most influenced our generation:
And the award goes to Adam Sandler in “Happy Gilmore.” I remember watching this one for the first time at my best friend Carey’s house, the wonderful land where my brother and I would go to eat pizza and candy past 8 p.m. and watch PG-13-rated movies. I even learned about making out from watching “Teaching Mrs. Tingle” at Carey’s house.
Anyway, “Happy Gilmore” proved to be a cornerstone of my adolescence, because of how funny Adam Sandler was (key word: was) when he yelled at Shooter McGavin and beat up Bob Barker. When you’re 10 years old, there is nothing funnier than bums, yelling bad words at old people and killing alligators with your bare hands, not that those things aren’t funny when you’re 20 years old.
Carey lived in a country club, where all the nuclear children were blessed with a backyard facing part of the golf course. So with inspiration taken from Ye Olde Sandler, we had an endless amount of summer-time pranks to pull on those stuffy golfers. Adam Sandler’s boyish antics were the inspiring light of my childhood, and probably your childhood, deeming him worthy of this award.
Best Disney Channel Original Movie:
This would definitely be the most hotly contested category because there are so many incredible pieces of cinema to choose from. In an ideal world, the newer brand of “DCOM”s would be excluded ““ any Disney Channel star who has his or her own 3-D theatrical concert experiences are not nearly old-school enough to be “Best.” As an expert in the field of DCOMs, I would say that the top contenders would be “Johnny Tsunami,” “The Luck of the Irish” and “Halloweentown,” the last one being a subject so significant in my life, I’ve mentioned it in a previous column.
There would be a larger tween demographic that would be more engaged in the awards if they could see their favorite teen starz looking fly on the red carpet. Plus, DCOMs really do transcend generic titles and are deserving of distinction from such bourgeoisie titles as “Best Picture” ““ they mean more than that. After much thoughtful consideration, I would bet that the award would go to the dark-horse candidate, “Brink!” which revolutionized the face of in-line skating.
Most Accurate Portrayal of High School:
“Mean Girls” would be an obvious choice at first glance, but it really wasn’t that accurate because Lindsay Lohan’s character as the popular girl totally would have done coke with 30-year-old Mexican guys in Tijuana and gotten pregnant. Or maybe that was just how it went in my high school. Anyway, this award should go to the acclaimed “Superbad,” because the struggle to be cool while being on the border between nerd and not-quite-nerd is something most people can relate to. And I suspect that Michael Cera would be lobbying heavily for this category by wearing adorable cardigans and playing Feist covers on his acoustic guitar, antics sure to charm the academy into voting for the film.
Best Tyler Perry Film:
A category of exquisite depth, the Tyler Perry award would be one of the most highly coveted of them all ““ even “There Will Be Blood” director P.T. Anderson would vie for this prize, somehow.
Imagine the drama inside the Kodak Theatre and on television screens across America as five different camera angles focus on Perry as he anticipates which of his fine films will receive the award. Will it be the recent “Madea Goes to Jail,” or the stirring “Why Did I Get Married?” I can’t call this award yet, for I am too conflicted to make such an assumption in a category of such seriousness.
If you think there should be an Oscar honoring Emile Hirsch’s hair in “Milk,” e-mail McReynolds at dmcreynolds@media.ucla.edu.