In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’d like to give a few
people a poem that, I hope, really displays the way I feel about
them.
To Steve Lavin:
Roses are red, violets are blue, the team finally won a game,
but you’re probably still getting fired.
That’s right. I care so little, I didn’t bother to find a color
that rhymes with “fired.”
Sorry to paint such a gloomy picture. I really do wish you the
best on this day of love, bunnies, chocolate and shagging.
To LeBron James:
Roses are red, violets are blue, at least that’s what they
tell me because I’m blind.
That’s actually a caption to one of my favorite Far Side
cartoons, but I think it works in this situation.
Open your eyes James! Do you really think store owners are
giving you $850 worth of free retro jerseys because you’re on
the honor roll?
Wake up, man. You’re going to be first pick in the NBA
draft and I’m sure you’ll be a solid player in the
league. Right now everybody has a hand out waiting for you to fill
it. Stop letting yourself be used like this. Surround yourself with
better people and don’t sell your soul to a shoe company just
yet.
Of course, maybe you really like all this attention. Maybe
you’re ignorant of what is going on around you. Maybe your
posse is whispering things in your ear and you’re listening.
Hello?! James?!
Put the cell phone down, throw away the beepers, take off the
sunglasses and sell all that ice. You’re a high school
senior: go to the prom, sit tight, and practice your
handshake-smile-to-the-camera draft day moves with David Stern.
And by the way, you’re no Kobe Bryant. Bryant took Brandy
to the prom, who’re you taking?
To Kobe Bryant:
Roses are red, violets are blue, Michael Jordan made opposing
players cry and now you are too.
Forty-two points in three quarters against the Nuggets on
Tuesday, then 51 in three quarters against the Nuggets on
Wednesday. Seven straight games of 35 points or more. The Lakers
can smell the playoffs and Bryant is sniffing an MVP award. I weep
for the poor defenders trying to deal with Bryant on any given
night.
Oh, and congratulations on your baby daughter, Bryant. I wonder
who will drool over Bryant’s championship rings more: his
baby or Karl Malone?
By the way, you think this James thing doesn’t intrigue
Bryant? All the headlines have dubbed him King James. Well let me
tell you, Bryant will bust James wide open when he gets the chance.
So will T-Mac, so will AI, KG and Vince Carter. You think Shaq or
Tim Duncan or Ben Wallace are going to let James glide in for a
dunk? King James is going to learn the hard way, surely, that heavy
is the head which wears the crown.
To George Steinbrenner:
Roses are red, violets are blue, spending $8 million for a Cuban
relief pitcher was a great idea, hope the Angels beat you again
this year.
Spring training has begun and the Evil Empire is back at it
again. They’re paying Cuban pitcher Jose Contreras tons and
tons of money to effectively not play for the Red Sox. Sterling
Hitchcock, a relief pitcher whose ERA was a bloated 5.49 last year,
makes $2 million more than World Series MVP Troy Glaus.
Wait, I got another one for you, Steinbrenner:
“Roses are red, violets are blue, keep criticizing Derek
Jeter, he’s as hypocritical as you.”
Hey, that rhymes.
May all your Valentine’s adventures be safe. E-mail Colin
at cyuhl@media.ucla.edu.