It appears that even the referees have conspired to make this
basketball season a painful one for UCLA.
Watching five yellow-clad Sun Devils harass the Bruins into 19
turnovers was nothing out of the ordinary, but when a sixth
striped-shirted opponent stripped the ball from Ray Young late in
the first half, that’s where I drew the line.
Young had deflected an Arizona State pass and appeared on his
way to a breakaway layup when he collided with the bewildered
referee near midcourt, losing the ball ““ and what’s
left of his dignity ““ in the process.
Call it a metaphor for this woeful season, or call it the
basketball version of 1999’s Thanksgiving Day Steelers-Lions
coin flip fiasco.
Either way, it lends credence to a conspiracy theory surrounding
UCLA basketball that would have Fox Mulder salivating with
curiosity.
The consensus among Bruin fans is that a combination of apathy
and ineptitude has led to the current demolition of the program.
But ask yourself this: Can human error alone explain just how UCLA
(5-16) is alone in ninth place in the Pac-10 and has more
McDonald’s All-Americans (3) than conference victories
(2)?
It is my contention that there have to be supernatural forces at
work.
You might scoff, but consider all the paranormal phenomena
surrounding UCLA hoops:
“¢bull; Steve Lavin does not look a day older today than he did
when he first took over the job in 1997. It’s eerie. Maybe he
has one fine dermatologist, but after seven anxiety-ridden years in
Westwood, you would think he’d have at least a few wrinkles,
right?
“¢bull; You’ve heard of the curse of the Bambino. Well,
how about the curse of the Pitino. Since being spurned by Pete
Dalis, Pitino has built a national power at Louisville while even
the Daily Bruin Intramural team has won more games (1) at Pauley
Pavilion than the Bruins (0) this calendar year.
“¢bull; Since practice is closed to the public, the Lavin era
remains shrouded in mystery. For all we know he’s conducting
some sort of genetic experiment behind those closed doors. The fact
that John Hoffart hasn’t played much makes me think
he’s still tinkering with “the perfect big, slow white
guy”.
“¢bull; Lavin is still employed. Draw your own conclusions.
I’m sure there are still skeptics out there, but please
try to be rational about this.
There are too many strange circumstances surrounding UCLA
basketball to just chalk up the season to a lethargic squad and an
inadequate coach. Besides, voodoo and flying saucers are just way
more compelling, aren’t they?
My own explanation for UCLA’s recent struggles hearkens
back to 1997 when Lavin was first hired as head coach of the
Bruins.
It is my belief that Pete Dalis may have shattered a mirror in
his office, damning the basketball program to seven years of bad
luck.
Since 2003 marks the seventh and likely final year of the Lavin
era, it looks like that run of misfortune is finally over.
Next year the Bruins can finally escape the Twilight Zone and
start playing basketball again. And conspiracy theorists like me
can go back to scrutinizing the fate of the Clippers.
There has been far too much of the X-files in Eisenberg’s
life this weekend. E-mail him at jeisenberg@media.ucla.edu.