What do Mark Few, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Ben Howland and Pat
Fibbitz have in common? They all are or have been candidates to
fill the vacated head coaching position for the UCLA men’s
basketball team.
According to reliable sources, Fibbitz is the latest in a
competitive field of qualified coaches to replace Steve Lavin.
Reportedly, Fibbitz was born on a fishing boat in the Louisiana
bayou in 1965, where parents Zula and Jeremiah Fibbitz were
finalizing divorce papers. One thing the two did agreed on was to
name their child after legendary European coach Itzabig
“Whitey” Mentira, winner of 17 straight European
titles.
As a youth, Fibbitz lived and breathed basketball, first
coaching the fifth and sixth grade team at Gracejo Elementary
School in Louisiana.
However, Fibbitz quickly left the marshlands for bigger
things.
For the past 23 years, Pat Fibbitz has become known for leading
junior college teams to D-4, IAAA championships. Twenty-three of
them, in fact.
“If Coach (Fibbitz) can teach me to be a 90 percent free
throw shooter, imagine what he can do for Cedric Bozeman,”
former player and European standout Drakmani Blevati said.
“If anyone can match John Wooden, it’s
(Fibbitz).”
If 90 percent sounds impressive but not baffling, consider this:
Fibbitz taught Blevati to shoot that well despite the fact that
Blevati is blind in one eye, completely eliminating his depth
perception.
Coach Fibbitz is not without quirks. UCLA Athletic Director Dan
Guerrero hasn’t contacted Fibbitz because Fibbitz does not
own a telephone. A firm believer in astrology, Fibbitz has been
known to disappear for days in search of a perfectly clear night
sky on which to base game decisions.
This is the kind of coach the press may savage due to the
aforementioned quirks and other eccentricities: wearing a pair of
purple jelly sandals at every home game, except during the fourth
quarter.
During the final period, Fibbitz always removes the left one,
exposing a perfectly manicured left foot.
Fibbitz carries a photograph of Yoda during every game, citing
the ancient and revered Jedi Master as a major source of
inspiration.
However, Fibbitz has yet to watch any Star Wars movie because
the coach eschews VHS and DVD as unnecessary modern amenities.
Perhaps most physically noteworthy is coach Fibbitz’s
choice of hairstyle. At a young age Pat Fibbitz was convinced of a
strong tie with Samson of biblical fame. Due to this conviction,
Fibbitz has not received a hair cut in over 30 years.
Fibbitz is a master recruiter despite the small pool of
potential junior college players from which to choose. With Lavin
leaving Westwood, this recruiting talent may be the major aspect
other candidates lack.
There are currently 42 former Fibbitz pupils honing their games
in European and Asian professional leagues, half of whom are
all-stars for their respective teams.
“It’s eerie. Fibbitz consistently takes no-name
players and turns them into phenoms,” fellow junior college
coach Richard Little said. “Most major programs would kill
for that kind of tutelage.”
Fluent in five languages, including French, Italian and Latin,
Fibbitz may be just what UCLA basketball needs: a quirky,
lower-profile head basketball coach, skilled at recruiting, who
also happens to be female.
If chosen, Pat White Fibbitz will be the first female coach of a
major NCAA basketball program. Let the games begin.