If you can manage to tear your eyes away from the Miller Beer
“Catfight” girls, something equally titillating is
being advertised on ESPN: the World Poker Tour.
I realize not many of you out there are jumping for joy upon
hearing of a televised poker tournament. If you would rather watch,
say, the women’s NCAA basketball championships, I can’t
really blame you. Everybody likes watching basketball that’s
so slow it looks like it’s being played underwater. Sure,
I’m much more interested in seeing “fundamentals”
and quick three-pointers than Carmelo Anthony throwing down a funky
dunk.
But if you’re willing to give poker a chance, you simply
won’t find a wackier and more entertaining cast of
characters, not even on the “Vampires in love with the Easter
Bunny” episode of the Jenny Jones show.
First and foremost is Scotty “Win” Nguyen, a
Vietnamese man with a horrible perm, wearing gaudy gold pinky
rings, neon jumpsuits and those gigantic shades that blind people
often wear. As bad a dresser as he is, he’s an equally good
poker player with unparalleled instincts. Because of his poker
savvy and incredibly bad taste, Win is a fan favorite on the tour.
(Yes, it’s filmed before a live audience, and you better
believe these mostly hungover casino-dwellers love their poker
““ and their $3.95 prime rib.)
There’s also this crazy Swedish guy, a crazier
Middle-Eastern guy named Deeb and the craziest Texan guy. I
can’t recall his name, but he looks a lot like a cross
between Richard Petty and Richard Simmons and has an unnaturally
orange skin tone. I say they’re all crazy because these are
the kinds of people that won’t even look at their cards as
they raise $190,000. They don’t even bat an eye.
The setting for these games is usually the Bellagio in Las
Vegas. The set has this sort of cheesy “Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire” feel, complete with epilepsy-inducing lights and
tension-mounting music. But easily the most important part of all
the accoutrements of this tournament is the announcing crew. This
duo will one day rank among the great combinations, and they play
the parts of John Madden and Pat Summerall perfectly.
Filling the role of Madden is “Mr. Obvious,” the guy
who likes to point out at every pause in the action as to who is
winning (it’s the person with the most money) and that three
kings beat two pair every time. Thanks John, err, I mean Mr.
Obvious. Far more entertaining is the play-by-play man, some guy
with a thick southern drawl who lapses into poker slang at every
possible moment. Nothing draws a chuckle quite like when he shouts
something like “Scotty just flopped the nut flush all over
that guy!” I know that sounds like something Ron Jeremy does
to Jenna Jameson at the end of “Dirty Bobs Xcellent
Adventures 35,” but I swear it’s legit.
The game is high stakes Texas Hold ‘Em, and the winner
walks away from the table with a million bucks. With this kind of
money on the line, there’s no question that some moments get
genuinely tense. Sometimes the player with a superior hand bets and
raises a weaker hand but ends up being beaten by a guy that just
gets lucky. This is called a “bad beat,” and it’s
engendered a mysterious reaction that I call “The
Face.”
The Face happens every time and to every player that takes a bad
beat. All of a sudden, every muscle in the face tenses up to the
point where it looks like someone just swallowed a combination of
gasoline, nails and rotting maggots. The pain of knowing that you
just lost anywhere from $200,000 to half a million because some
idiot beat 1:1,000,000 odds must be awfully hard to take. I wonder
what someone suffering from The Face has running through their
head.
“Did I just crap my pants? Oh no, I think I did. Mommy.
Make the bad man stop, Mommy. Please. Yeah, I definitely need a new
pair of underwear. Must walk out of here … very …
slowly.”
Even if you’ve never placed a bet in your life, the sheer
circus-freak aspect of the tournament provides more than enough
comedy to make it worth your while. So check it out. It sure beats
watching Diana Taurasi crying into Geno Auriemma’s shoulder
again.
If you’re interesting in losing some money, set up a poker
game with Yuhl via e-mail at cyuhl@media.ucla.edu.