A funny thing happened to me in class Wednesday morning ““
I read a story about USAC in the Daily Bruin. Now you have to
understand just how momentous this is. I would sooner immerse
myself in the culture of muffler sculptures than I would read about
the administrative stylings of student government president David
Dahle and his cast of self-praising politicos. Nonetheless, there I
was in the back of Haines A39 engrossed by an article titled
“Manipulation is the key” (News, April 9) that
described a veritable communist manifesto that Dahle penned over
Spring Break. That’s right, while the rest of us were
partying it up over mai tais and margaritas, Dahle was holed up in
his room hunched over his computer screen crafting his plans for
UCLA political domination. In the document Dahle, obviously a
member of the George Steinbrenner school of politics, dubs
manipulation the key to political success. He follows that up with
another stroke of public relations genius ““ a section in
which he explicitly lists his “friends and enemies.”
And while it was a blow to my ego to realize that Dahle did not
deem me important enough to make his list, it was this piece of the
article that piqued my curiosity. Thus after nearly two years as a
columnist, I have compiled my very own Dahle-esque list of
“Friends and Enemies.”
Friends “¢bull; Steve Lavin: I’d argue that the
Bruins’ beleaguered former head coach has done more for this
column than he ever did for his players. In fact, if I could name
an MVP, Lavin would be a lock. Columnists throughout Southern
California are hoping he gets off the unemployment line soon so
they can squeeze out one more hair gel joke. “¢bull; The French:
the nonchalance of the grape-stompers in surrendering at the first
hint of conflict is unmatched among the international community.
Any nation that could be conquered by a group of toddlers wielding
plastic sporks has to be on the “friends” list. “¢bull;
My Canadian brethren at the World Rock Paper Scissors Society:
Those Star Spangled Banner-booing, maple syrup-sipping Celine Dion
lovers were the subject of a November column in which I lauded the
merits of the World RPS Championships to be held in Toronto later
that month. Much to my surprise, members of the society
subsequently dubbed me “the face of student
journalism.” Thanks guys, I’ll pour a Molson for you
this weekend. “¢bull; Adidas kingpin Sonny Vaccaro: Since he
brought us Ben Howland, the potential savior of UCLA basketball,
and may be the most powerful man in college sports, I figured that
it wouldn’t be a bad idea to suck up a little bit. Thanks for
the new coach, Sonny ““ now how about buying me a brand new
private jet? “¢bull; David Dahle: See, I don’t hold a grudge.
Sorry about your political career, chief.
Enemies: “¢bull; Dan Guerrero: Yup, I’m going after the
big man. First he fires Bob Toledo during Fall Quarter finals. Next
Lavin gets the axe in the middle of winter quarter finals week.
Thanks a lot, Dan ““ your itchy trigger finger has sent my GPA
plummeting. “¢bull; The NCAA Women’s Basketball Tournament
Selection Committee: If these East Coast apologists had just
included the Bruins in the field of 64, I could have had an
all-expense paid trip over Spring Break. Instead UCLA’s hopes
were dashed ““ as were my dreams of a free week in New
Orleans. “¢bull; Duke: If Arizona had beaten the Blue Devils in the
NCAA finals two years ago, I would have won $250 in a basketball
pool. They didn’t. On the same day as the championship game,
Duke rejected my application. Not that I’m bitter or
anything. “¢bull; The Rally Monkey: I’m a Giants fan. Enough
said. The Stat Geek scored a 6.2 on hotornot.com. E-mail Eisenberg
with your thoughts at jeisenberg@media.ucla.edu.