Tuesday, 4/8/97
Measuring up to new standards
‘Skinny white jackass’ puts forth own initiatives
OK, Bruins, here’s the story. Today (as I’m sure you are all
aware) is Los Angeles city election day, and as a service to the
four UCLA students who are actually registered as Los Angeles
residents, we here at Viewpoint have compiled this little election
supplement/guide/waste of paper to help you (the reader) make sense
of all the election madness. (I know that I have been guilty of
getting caught up in the city election hysteria myself.)
Some of you faithful Viewpoint perusers may be disappointed to
discover that I, too, have bowed to the pressure of writing a
politically oriented column. However, before you address your angry
"skinny white jackass is a sellout" letter, please allow me to
assure you that I am only contributing to this election silliness
because someone at Viewpoint (named Geoff Martin, Viewpoint editor)
is making me. Unfortunately, I have about as much authority around
Viewpoint as Chancellor-elect Carnesale, so I do what I’m told.
("That’s a good columnist. Beg! Roll over! Good boy. Write an
election column! Good jackass.") Yes, it’s a sad life, but it’s the
only one I’ve got. (As far as you know.)
So, what do you do when you’re forced to write a column about a
city election that no one cares about? If you answered, "Do it
without complaining and write the best damn election column you
can," then I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. If you answered, "Write
about whatever you want anyway and pray that your column still runs
as scheduled," you’re also wrong. If you answered, "Complain about
your mistreatment to the whole campus and then provide a list of
measures which you feel should be on the ballot but aren’t," then
congratulations, you guessed correctly. Your prize? A brand new
Viewpoint column featuring a picture of Justin Horey and his own
personal Ballot Wish List. Enjoy!
Now admittedly, I’m no politician, but after carefully examining
my "Official Sample Ballot" it occurred to me that I give exactly
zero shits about any of the measures in this year’s city
election.
Could that be because I’m an apathetic Generation Xer and I only
care about things that directly affect me? Perhaps.
Could it be because I’m cold and heartless? Possible, I
suppose.
Could it be that I only read the sample ballot because I’m being
forced (against my will) to write an election column and I’m just
so bitter that nothing can possibly please me now? Well, maybe.
Or could it be that I’m just an ignorant fool and I cannot
possibly comprehend the importance of the "establishment by
ordinance of maximum amount that may be transferred from one budget
item to another without mayor and council approval" (actual quote
from my Official Sample Ballot)? Hmm, probably. But that doesn’t
change the fact that I didn’t see anything in there that I found
interesting (and many of you may be saying that very thing about my
column right now), so as a result I came up with my very own list
of City of Los Angeles Measures. So there.
Justin Horey Fantasy Measure No. 1: In order to write a parking
ticket, the parking enforcement officer attempting to write the
ticket must first find a LEGAL place to park his or her little
parking enforcement buggy. If the parking enforcement humanoid is
unable to LEGALLY park the enforcement vehicle, no ticket may be
issued.
Justin Horey Fantasy Measure No. 2: In an effort to relieve the
stress of L.A. city residents, any and all parking enforcement
officers may be legally beaten at any time. (Yes, I have gotten a
few parking tickets in my three years at UCLA. Why do you ask?)
Justin Horey Fantasy Measure No. 3: Motorcycle riders are no
longer required to wear helmets, but anyone operating a motorcycle
without a helmet may be legally run over by other motorists.
(Exemption: Parking enforcement officers on motorcycles, who are
fair game even when they are wearing helmets.)
Justin Horey Fantasy Measure No. 4: All public school children
will be required to learn the words to the UCLA fight song and the
eight-clap before they graduate from the sixth grade. These
children must also learn to be prolific at complaining about
registration fees and campus construction in order to ease their
eventual transition to UCLA life.
Justin Horey Fantasy Measure No. 5: All parking meters citywide
will now accept bathroom tokens from restaurants as payment equal
to U.S. currency. (That’s the last parking measure, I swear.)
Justin Horey Fantasy Measure No. 6: Elimination of mayoral
elections. Each year, instead of competing for votes, the mayoral
candidates will (in classic Roman tradition) participate in a
"triathlon." The triathlon will include jousting on the lawn of the
federal building in Westwood, a one-on-one basketball tournament in
Pauley Pavilion and kickboxing. (Social Darwinism at its finest,
no?)
Justin Horey Fantasy Measure No. 7: All billboards bearing the
likeness of "Angelyne" must be immediately removed and cremated.
This measure is part of a city beautification effort which will
also include the removal of all "Two Hour Parking" signs from the
streets of Westwood. (Oh, did I say No. 5 was the last parking
related measure? Politicians lie.)
Justin Horey Fantasy Measure No. 8: The Los Angeles Times will
be shut down, and the circulation of the Daily Bruin will be
increased to 1,021,121 daily (I actually looked that number up –
and you thought I never did any research for my columns) so that
the entire city may enjoy the antics of The Citywide Skinny White
Jackass. (Who, me? Self-absorbed?)
Well, there you go, Bruins. I didn’t like it, but I did it; I
contributed to The Bruin’s city election mania. I hope you enjoyed
the ride. Stay tuned two weeks from today, when I’ll be answering
letters from and providing advice to people all over the UCLA
campus. It should be a good time. Have a great election day, and
don’t forget to vote, because in a city of some three million
people your one vote could make the difference in an election
decided by 0.0000333 percentage points. God bless democracy.Justin
Horey is a third-year psychology student.
All … children will be required to learn the words to the UCLA
fight song … before they graduate from the sixth grade.