Tuesday, April 1, 1997
LANGUAGE:
Useful skill requires intensive study, but it’s worth it
Bullshitting is an art form. I say this with absolutely no
sarcasm. Although many different techniques can be learned to
improve your skills as a bullshitter, real talent can never be
acquired by simply studying. Like any other art form, it requires
intensive instruction and discipline Not just any schmoe can come
off the streets and aspire to excel at bullshitting. The truly
gifted bullshitters can amaze and astound with their abilities.
Their capacity to weave empty and meaningless words into what may
appear at first glance to be profound thoughts is pure enchantment.
There are few of us who are so blessed.
Sadly though, we who are gifted bullshit with a heavy heart. We
empathize with our less fortunate brethren and feel a
responsibility to impart some of our wisdom unto them, not only
because bullshitting is a beautiful method of expression, but also
because it is a practical skill. It can be especially useful with
college students who often haven’t even read the syllabus for a
particular class, let alone the books. But bullshitting should not
solely be utilized in academic arenas. It can prove effi-
cacious in almost all situations; everywhere from job interviews
to dialogues with remote family members, bullshitting is
advantageous.
Circumlocution is the most utilized method of bullshitting. If
used properly, it creates an imbroglio that most savants are too
imperious to admit to. Pedanticism is essential to this technique.
Yet, despite its notoriety, tautology is not the most prosperous
technique. Rather, the key to good bullshitting is to use what you
know. The more you know, the better off you are. If you don’t know
anything, then you could have a dilemma.In these instances you must
rely on what others know. Here, bullshitting becomes intricate.
Often, other people’s knowledge is subjective, so the most reliable
source is the audience. It becomes necessary to gather as much of
their scholarly knowledge as is available. A good trick to this is
to indoctrinate yourself as much as possible with information about
the topic beforehand. Reading books or articles written or
suggested by the audience about the topic is a good technique, but
the easiest and perhaps most beneficial method is to simply listen
to what they say. In classes this means paying close atten-
tion to the lectures of your professor and the discussions of
your TAs.
As important as listening is asking questions. Contrary to the
negative stigma of ignorance affiliated with asking questions,
inquiries themselves can convey an esoteric intellectualism. The
right questions present quandaries to the audience that are
unanswerable. Academics view the unanswerable as profound and its
speaker as wise. Don’t be embarrassed to ask questions at a job
interview or in a class. It reveals that you’ve been thinking about
the subject and that you take it seriously. Questioning can also
help discredit
conflicting arguments. It moves the focus from your own shallow
thoughts to someone else’s.
Confidence is also a significant aspect of bullshitting. Dubiety
is lethal. One must create the illusion that one knows what one is
talking about. For some this is innate. For others it must be
inculcated in their psyche. One workable approach is to mimic the
assuredness of great bullshitters of history. These great men and
women are countless in the endless span of man’s time on this
planet. Their achievements affect every aspect of how all of us
live our lives. These sagacious and puissant men and women include
the marketers of Macintoshes, the inventor of Spam, half the
screenwriters in Hollywood, the creator of those Mentos commercials
and the totality of all politicians who have ever existed. They
have triumphantly finessed people into believing that what they say
is important and can improve our lives. This is the confidence that
must be assumed to in order to bullshit properly.
But before you, the reader, embark on your own bullshitting
endeavors, let me issue one word of caution. Bullshitting is not a
game. It must be approached respectfully and wholeheartedly.
Irresponsible bullshitting can not only lead to utter confusion and
disenchantment but can thoroughly embarrass the bullshitter and
ruin his or her entire existence. It can also give a bad name to
bullshitting in general. This is why it is so discouraged by the
masses.
But don’t let this repel all of you potential bullshitters. Just
be thoughtful about your actions and realize that although what you
say may be utterly worthless, it will still affect others. You must
venerate the art and show the reverence that bullshitting truly
deserves.