Tuesday, January 14, 1997
FEAR:
Highly emotional anger can blindly drive people into joining
political, social movements
"Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth."
-Pema Chodron 1997.
Hmm.
Time for new things. New experiences. New changes.
Time to wake up, period.
Do you ever really "see," or listen, or read between-the-lines?
Do you ever really look INside, to see what’s up INside, when
there’s social, albeit political "agitation" going on around
you?
Do you always have an answer? Do you ever feel that you need to
GIVE an answer, regardless?
WHY??
Coming from someone who’s sometimes extremely quick-tempered
it’s not always easy to fight the urge to impulsively jump right
into something, especially when I’m angry.
For example, let us say there’s a "discussion" taking place with
someone else who has a different (majority) opinion than yours on
something very … er … "controversial" (i.e. issues like AAP,
Props. 187, 209). Considering the ever-increasing sensitive nature
of these issues these past few years, there’s been a tremendously
compelling aim toward getting people "involved" in giving voice and
support to either side of a "good" cause.
But what is a "good cause?" And what if you’re not clear inside?
What if you’re affected by the issues at hand, but more so by the
fact that those arguing for or against something seem to
rhetorically argue for the benefit of a people, you, me, "we"
 but for a people that is on the surface, but not really
united.
How do you and I suddenly become a "we" under these
circumstances? Isn’t it therefore sometimes more productive to just
really listen, without throwing in your 2 cents’ worth, until you
know that YOU’re not triggered to answer back or act because YOU’re
angry like you’re "supposed" to be according to "us" or to just
show people you’ve got a "good point?"
I’ve seen that often, even in myself  a lot of anger,
defensiveness, fear, all ultimately leading up to finger-pointing,
name-calling, and blatant, fear-ridden judgments. Throughout these
almighty years here, I’ve succumbed to listening to the external
ramblings of very many angry people. I’ve consequently found myself
lost in anger, an emotion that i’ve "realized" i’m supposed to feel
because of groups or individuals who have tried to inspire me to
feel, either in voting or in a classroom, just because of "our"
"same" "oppressive" "plights."
But that’s confusing, see? Confusing because i don’t readily see
where the almighty "we" stands all the time … i don’t readily see
the intrinsic, real workings at "unity" between groups, even groups
of a same "nature" (i.e., "ETHNIC" "background"). If anything,
there’s been a great deal of self-righteous finger-pointing within
groups who claim to be united. Thus, how can there suddenly be an
overwhelming "WE," an angry "we", a fighting-for-the-same-cause
"we," when there are so many differences within our OWN parameters,
in "groups", cliques … even in "our"selves?
I never thought about this before. i got caught up with this
"we" thing for a good while, and i consequently found myself lost
in my own confusion at trying to differentiate between my own anger
and "ours." Then i awoke to my tremendous fear, insecurity, and my
own always-very-different way of thinking, my own differing,
solitary jargon.
Once awakened to that, i began to realize that with all of the
sociopolitical issues that have been surfacing these past few
years,there seems to be a very common "denominator" prevalent in
all of them:
ANGER/FEAR. It doesn’t matter from which direction it’s coming.
It’s always justified; always. And i’ve often found myself to be
extremely amazed at how prevalent anger really is, how driving a
"force" it really is … and even more amazed at the fact that an
"answer" or "direction" is given or driven because of such an
underlying sentiment. I’m not saying that it is not important in
its existence; i’d be erring tremendously.
Instead, i’m saying that BECAUSE of its existence, which is
important, i feel it necessary to SORT THROUGH IT, deal with it in
terms of understanding and even feeling somewhat comfortable with
it. It’s necessary to UNDERSTAND WHERE IT’S REALLY COMING FROM, to
get to know it, before impulsively jumping on the bandwagon with a
group of others who supposedly "agree" deep down with you and thus
"together", as an all-of-a-sudden "inherent" "we," point fingers at
a direct group of "enemies," i.e. like those "immigrant leeches"
who are responsible for "our" WHACK economy, or at a "group" of
"white" "oppressors" who "shouldn’t be here in the first
place."
I guess this is where i need to get specific on things in order
to make myself a little clearer. For example, in regards to AAP,
Propositions 187, and 209, i’ve had very differing, ambiguous, and
paradoxically-annoying sentiments on all of them. Consequently, i
have trouble swallowing any one prevalent "point," for or against,
the maintenance of all of these policies. And i’ll tell you
why.
A couple of years back, i remember being absolutely furious at
what i still feel is the outrageousness of the attacks against
immigrants, "illegal" or "otherwise," and their children. I was
hella angry; i talked crap, pointed fingers. I went to rallies,
walked in marches, just like "everyone" else who was "supposed" to.
I went to a couple of student government meetings, and even almost
impulsively thought about directly helping it. Yeah, i was
angry.
But i held back; i realized that my anger was only triggered,
and that it was being given more fuel by "everyone" else’s. I’m not
saying this happens with "everyone". But I began to listen … and
i looked at the other side of "our" coin: within a march for AAP, i
kept my mouth completely shut. I was torn on many aspects of it
(still AM) but i walked along because i believed in its principal
"cause." I remember one particular fellow who was holding up a sign
that said something to the effect of the "white man" being the
"devil" who was not here "first" and therefore did not "belong." I
was then puzzled by what the hell i was doing there marching not
too far from him. I don’t believe in that side of his, "our,"
politics for AAP. As i turned around to look elsewhere, I became
even more confused.
"Well, by-golly geez," i thought, "lemmee slap myself blue,
’cause i could swear that if these other, not one, not two, but
MANY … er … marchers were not ALBINO … then i guess they are
the "devil" themselves." Why is this devil, who wants to keep me in
the lowliest of the lowliest, marching right next to me? For "our"
same "good" cause? Did that guy holding up the sign that condemned
this very devil TO HELL not see "them" marching right along with
him too? Or were "they" transparent, somehow inherently an
oppressed "minority" like the rest of "us", and therefore an
"exception to the rule?"
I was full-blown queasy. I began to acknowledge why i was so
ambiguously torn INside. Then, when i witnessed the same kind of
mentality last year during the anti-Proposition 209 stance, in
rallies (i.e. you’re a KKK member or a racist mongrel if you vote
for 209) or during debates that included pro-AAP proponents Candice
Rice and the UCLA CHANCELLOR (wow  again, a sudden "we"
thing!), or when i listened to the entrenched similar ideals or
notions in friends or acquaintances, i realized that … i did not
want to be a part of this  these "politics". Not now. Too
much anger, too much fear, too much finger pointing, especially in
me.Then it finally hit me: realistically speaking, when ARE things
gonna really change? When are "we" all going to stop hypocritically
lashing out at the "enemy?" Are "we" not just playing a game of
musical chairs on "both" sides?
And even more importantly for ME … how can i possibly
contribute any real part of MYSELF, a "voice" for a "good" cause
 (IS there such a thing?)  when i can still feel my OWN
personal anger, when i haven’t been too comfortable yet with MY own
insecurity, when i’ve realized i’ve been hypocritical enough to
point oh-so-many things out in others when they are all inherent in
myself … self-righteously "telling off" professors (he-he) Â
or TAs, or "friends," or roommates … i did this often. I was
self-absorbed in my "grandiosity" at realizing the contradictory
nature of "we," in a class, at a rally … and i made goddamn sure
that i voiced my almighty "enlightenment" and that i stood up to
the Latino "status quo."
But i was full of it; i didn’t realize i was doing the very same
thing that "MOI" was arguing against.
Thus, i cannot compromise myself anymore. I therefore, for the
life of me, cannot comprehend how "we" can really help "each other"
in anything when there’s still anger, fear and confusion within
ourselves that’s often not even acknowledged and instead direct
judgment is laid on those who DON’T give answers, on those who
DON’T VOTE  as i didn’t last year  because there can
not BE any straight answers. Especially not as long as "we," as an
angry "us" vs. "them," keep scapegoating and judging over, and
over, and over again.
I’m learning that the more i understand myself better … the
better i’m able to "see" others and understand more compassionately
what goes on around me. I’m beginning to understand others, even
the supposed "them."
Nonetheless, i dunno; i cannot give a solution. I guess i hope
to somehow reach out to others who also aren’t so sure, who don’t
have answers either. I believe that later "we" can then really help
one another with what "we" learn, through each of "our"
openly-acknowledged insecurities and fears, to be able to
contribute to society as an in-di-vi-dual-ly acknowledged
"whole."
Oh, shut up and don’t "cry" (smirk); i’m not sayin’ i’m a Mary
Poppins-convert now. I’m not gonna say I’ve … er … been "born
again." I’m a contradiction and i’m still very critical.
But i’m awake now.
And it’s the start of a new year.