Thursday, December 5, 1996
FRIENDLINESS:
Have lots of free flight fun and hugs galore this winter
breakDry your tears, Bruins. Today’s Daily Bruin is indeed the last
issue of the quarter, but all is not lost. What you are about to
read is my last column of the quarter  Viewpoint’s last ditch
effort to provide some small measure of entertainment for you, the
(insert triumphant theme music here) Viewpoint reader.
Believe it or not, the column which you are now reading is being
penned on an airplane, as I am en route (translation: "on my way")
to Los Angeles; returning from my Thanksgiving jaunt to Buffalo,
New York. While in Buffalo, I suffered an involuntary removal of my
posterior region as a result of the extreme cold encountered there.
(Translation: "I froze my ass off.")
I’m tempted to write a column full of charming Thanksgiving
anecdotes, but in the interest of avoiding triteness, I will resist
the temptation. (Translation: "My family is painfully unfunny.")
Besides, Thanksgiving is in the past, and I pride myself on being
the Columnist of the Future. So instead, (just in time for the
Christmas holiday) I will provide my own personal tips on how you,
too can make the most of your airline travels.
The most important thing to remember when you’re on a plane is
that the crew is powerless to discipline you. This must be your
guiding force as you endeavor to provide yourself with hours of
endless (and FREE!!) entertainment on any airborne journey. Use
lines like, "Come on, throw me off the plane!" frequently.
By now, if you’re still reading, you’re probably A) sitting
through an absurdly boring lecture, B) my mother, or C) wondering,
"Just what kinds of FREE fun can I have on my next airplane
flight?" The possibilities are endless, but (fortunately for you)
my column is not, so I will include some of my favorites.
First of all, the airplane people seem to feel that the hundreds
of dollars they charge for a ticket are not sufficient to cover the
cost of a pair of headphones, so if you actually want to hear the
featured in-flight movie selection, it’s going to cost you. (Seeing
the movie, however, is free.) I for one do not want to pay $4 to
hear movie dialogue, and I’ll assume that you don’t either. The
solution? Make up your own dialogue! This will provide you with
nearly two hours of entertainment, and those seated around you will
certainly appreciate the gesture if they, too, chose not to rent a
pair of headphones. (This is a good time to mention that if you
provide your alternate script at an adequate volume, those seated
around you are highly likely to pay for you to have a pair of
headphones.)
But alas, after only a few short hours your movie will end
(unless your airline is featuring the "Beatles Anthology"). What to
do then? You have a number of options at this point, but I would
suggest getting up (make sure the fasten seat belt sign is not lit)
and pushing the flight attendant call button located above every
sleeping passenger on the plane. Flight attendants (God bless them)
seem to be unable to comprehend that a sleeping passenger is not
likely to have actually called them, so they will wake a sleeping
passenger to inquire of their need. (This step increases in
enjoyment with repeated application.)
On the odd chance that you are discovered as the button pressing
culprit, you may choose to read a book, as the gentleman seated
next to me is doing right now. (You didn’t forget that I’m on a
plane right now, did you?) My extremely self-confident neighbor is
currently studying the pages of a book titled "How to Win Friends
and Influence People" (Apparently this book includes secrets about
some sort of friend raffle.)
The back cover of this book boasts that inside you will learn
"The six ways to make people like you." I suppose that I should
take this time to apologize to anyone who may have already read
this book. Let me assure you  if you have read a book on
making friends, you are not a loser.
The guy sitting next to me on the plane? OK, he’s a loser. But
not you.
The cover of this book makes me think, because I only know of
one way to make people like you (and it’s the way my mama taught
me), give them money. Sure, money can’t buy happiness, but it can
buy friends.
If you don’t believe me, then take a moment to complete this
simple Viewpoint At-Home Quiz. Step 1: Name one person who has
GIVEN you a substantial amount of money who you don’t like. You
can’t do it, can you? Of course you can’t. I’m right. You don’t
need a book to tell you how to make friends  you have me.
But on the odd chance that you can’t afford to buy friends, I
can think of ONE other way to make anyone like you. I will divulge
this information (unlike Dale Carnegie, author of the "How to Win
Friends …" book) FREE of charge. My personal secret of friend
making? Hug everybody.
Think back with me for a moment to the USC game a few weeks ago.
If you (like I) were spirited enough to stay until the bitter end,
chances are you were hugged by a number of people you did not know
and quite frankly had no desire to hug. I noticed this same
phenomenon two years ago when our men’s basketball team won the
NCAA Championship, and I also noticed that I felt strangely close
to anyone wearing blue and gold on those occasions  primarily
because they hugged me. What did I tell you  instant
friendship.
Besides, I just enjoy the human contact quite a bit. (I don’t
get a lot of it here at the home.) I do find it odd, though, that
this campus-wide affection is limited to major sporting events, and
I wonder why we can’t behave like that all the time. (Spare me the
explanatory mail, sociology majors.)
Having exposed this secret to all, I feel it is only appropriate
for me to issue this formal challenge to Bruins everywhere: let’s
get hugging!
Imagine the changes that would occur on our campus if everyone
started hugging everyone all the time. We would be UCLA: The
Hugging Campus. I really feel that this is an avenue that we as a
student body should pursue. Starting today.
So don’t be afraid  go into your next lecture (or a final
next week) and give your professor a big hug. When the Jews for
Jesus guy approaches you with a flyer, bear hug him. And the credit
card guys? ("You want a free T-shirt?") Of course you don’t, but
hug them anyway. They deserve it.
Sure, you might get slugged a few times, but won’t it all be
worth it when one day it’ll take you two hours to get to class
because everyone you see on Bruin Walk hugs you? Come on, Bruins!
Let down your inhibitions and start hugging! And if by chance you
see me wandering aimlessly around campus, by all means, give me a
hug. You’ll be glad you did.
Justin Horey is a third-year psychology student.