Monday, November 18, 1996
ROMANCE:
Ground-breaking journalism reveals everybody’s consummate match
to be URSA
Hey, hey, UCLA! It’s Monday of eighth week, and do you know what
that means? If you answered "Thursday is Thanksgiving," then you’re
wrong. I’m sorry, but (shocking as it may seem) I don’t get to
decide when we celebrate most major holidays. No, there will be no
federally mandated expressing of gratitude this week, but be
thankful anyway, because what you are about to read is known around
the Daily Bruin (and my own mind) as GROUND-BREAKING
JOURNALISM.
But before we do that, I need to take a brief moment to thank
two of the Daily Bruin’s unsung heroes. First, I’d like to thank
the anonymous photo desk employee who decided to switch my
charming, mouth-agape mug shot (which hopefully you see now) for
the much scarier "I’m a really pissed off skinny white jackass"
photo the last time my column ran (Nov. 7).
I apologize for the tirade, but that just builds the suspense,
right? Right. Now we will go where no Viewpoint columnist has gone
before. We will forge uncharted Viewpoint territories. How, you
ask? The answer is simple (Simply GROUND-BREAKING!).
I, Justin Horey (resident Viewpoint philanthropist,
troubleshooter and skinny white jackass) recently had the
opportunity to interview UCLA’s very own URSA. (That sound you’re
hearing right now is the ground breaking beneath you.)
As far as I know, no Viewpoint columnist has ever done this
before (probably with good reason). But I thought that since it’s
getting to be registration time, you (the diligent Viewpoint
reader) might want to know what makes URSA tick. I did. So I went
right to the source  the University Records System Access.
And I found out what makes URSA tick, but I also found out a lot
more. The transcript of my landmark interview with URSA (conducted
Nov. 12) is reprinted below. Enjoy …
Me: Hello, URSA? Justin Horey, Daily Bruin Viewpoint
department.
URSA: Welcome to URSA telephone, Bruins! This is UCLA’s
touch-tone information system.
Me: It is truly an honor to be able to conduct this interview;
thank you very much for taking the time out of your busy schedule
to talk to me.
URSA: You have 10 minutes to complete your call.
Me: So tell me, URSA, how long have you been providing this
service to UCLA students?
URSA: Please enter your nine-digit student ID number and then
press the number sign.
Me: OK. What is the maximum number of calls you are able to
field at once?
URSA: Please enter your four-digit security code and then press
the number sign.
Me: Gotcha. Is it true that you posed for one of the naked
statues in the sculpture garden?
URSA: I cannot recognize the information you entered.
Me: I’ll take that as a "No comment." Who was that male voice on
URSA this summer? Is he your husband, Mr. URSA?
URSA: Information entered must be in a specific format.
Me: I see. What do you say to the thousands of students who say
that you’re a bitch?
URSA: You entered too many digits.
Me: That’s telling them, URSA! What advice would you give to any
kids out there who might want to be a computer voice someday?
URSA: Remember to press the number sign after completing your
entry, and you must enter the information within the time allowed.
Please try again!
Me: Truly inspiring. How do you feel about the allegations
surrounding men’s basketball coach Jim Harrick, and his recent
termination?
URSA: Information must be entered using a touch-tone telephone
within the time allowed.
Me: What are you hiding, URSA? Is he paying you, too?
URSA: You have exceeded the input limit for incorrect data; I’m
going to hang up now. Sorry, have a nice day!
Me: Thanks, URSA! I will!
Unlike New Joe, Bruin Gold or (dare I say) Bruin Park Plus, URSA
is a valuable part of our campus. It is my personal feeling that
URSA’s gotten a bad rap, especially after having the chance to sit
down and talk to her one-on-one. In fact, I might go so far as to
say that I think URSA is the ideal woman. (And you thought Jake
Sexton wrote controversial columns! Who-eee!)
Why is URSA the ideal woman? Think about it. (I feel obligated
at this point to add that some readers may feel this information is
not relevant to them. Many of these people are probably women.
However, if you’re looking for Mr. Right and not Ms. Right,
consider what a great man URSA would be  if she was a man.)
At the risk of looking like a forwarded e-mail, I have compiled
here a short list of URSA’s most endearing traits.
 She’s always home when you call (unless you happen to
call between midnight and 6:00 a.m., but who’s awake during those
ungodly hours anyway? Go to bed!)
 She doesn’t get mad if you can only talk to her for 10
minutes. (In fact, if you can get her to talk to you for longer
than that, I’ll give you a dollar.)
 Even if she gets mad and hangs up on you, you can always
call her right back and she’ll act like nothing happened. (Guys
LOVE that.)
 She knows everything about you. (I’m pretty sure that’s a
good thing. I guess it depends.)
 She doesn’t get mad if you don’t call her for weeks at a
time (like 10).
 She’s a Bruin, through and through! ("Go, go, go, No. 1
Bruins!" Remember that?)
 She never complains that you don’t spend enough time
together. (But then again, how could she? She’s the one who hangs
up after 10 minutes.)
 She isn’t easy. (You often have to call her five or six
times before you can get through to talk to her.)
 She’s honest. (She never sugar-coats those bad grades or
that withholding of records stuff.)
 She says the number "six" funnier than anyone in the
world. (Don’t believe me? Call her and make her say it. Pretty
funny, huh?)
 You always know what to expect from her (except for this
past summer when they threw that weird male voice in there).
 You don’t have to worry about who else she’s been with
(because you know she’s been with every man and woman on our
campus).
Oh, URSA. So caring, so giving, so misunderstood. I can only
hope that this URSA exposé has opened your eyes just a little.
I know it opened mine. From now on when I hear that old Tommy
Tutone song, I’ll be singing, "Two-oh-eight, oh-four-two
fi-ee-iieve."
P.S. I don’t know of anyone who has ever put a "P.S." on a
Viewpoint column, but I need to know: Does anyone know what
happened to The Turtle? I loved that paper  it made my
Tuesdays.
P.P.S. As long as I’m doing the post-script thing, I need to
give props out to my man Jelani McCoy, who fouled out in LESS THAN
16 minutes last week in an exhibition game against Athletes In
Action (a Christian group that plays basketball as a MINISTRY). Not
only did Mr. McCoy foul out, but a full 40 percent of his fouls
came as technicals. I guess if you’re going to foul out you might
as well do it with style. Way to keep it real, Jelani.