Al bundy teaches family values to viewers

Wednesday, October 23, 1996

BUNDY:

Married With Children provides role model citizen, father,
husband for AmericansThis column is dedicated to America’s greatest
unsung hero: Al Bundy. When dealing with such an intricate and
complex psyche, one must not be deluded by this icon’s plethora of
superficial vulgarities and outward banes, of which there are
many.

The feeble-minded and unlearned Bundy scholar will invariably
point to his haggard physical state, sardonically pessimistic
humor, his disrespect for his vegetative wife, his sexual
inadequacies, his incessant debasement of his feather-headed
feminist neighbor, his parental failures, his general loser image,
his canine mistreatment (vis-a-vis Buck) and simply dismiss this
man as another one of FOX’s socially destructive manifestations.
However, in order to appreciate this man’s true greatness, and
attain Bundydom, one must delve into the complex essence of Al
Bundy.

But, before we embark on our fantastic voyage, it is important
to first ask ourselves the question: Why Al Bundy?

After all, say the un-Bundified, he is but a fictional character
on a foolhardy TV show. What can he do to help cure the ills of
this problem-plagued land?

The Sartrian existentialist postulates that a man should be
judged not by his words alone, but by his actions. While Al Bundy’s
everyday parlance may lead the lay-Bundy to an entirely incorrect
end, a systematic analysis of his clever actions and profound
soliloquies shall reveal his true essence: Loving husband, caring
father and American patriot.

Notwithstanding his occasionally indecent language, Al Bundy’s
actions are what deserve notice. Quite simply, an America that
emulates Bundy fundamentals is an America far better off.

In a society where so many young people derive their faulty
values from the boob tube, it is important that parents and
children alike realize the didactic potential of Professor
Bundy.

The first step in our quest toward comprehension of the sublime
enlightenment that is Al Bundy lies in Bundy Family Values, and it
is at this point where considerable contention may arise. Just as
the core of good family values consists of fidelity, honesty and
commitment to wife and children, so do these qualities comprise the
core of Al Bundy. Let’s begin with fidelity to the wife.

The unlearned Bundy scholar will inevitably site Al’s blatant
mistreatment of Peg as incontrovertible evidence refuting Al’s
devotion to his "big red beast."

However, closer observation yields that the Al-Peg rapport is
founded upon the understanding of mutual fidelity, and it for this
reason that they may joke so frequently about their unfaithfulness
and revulsion by one another. I cite the episode in which Vanna
White (played by herself) becomes infatuated with the chivalrous
shoe salesman. She offers Peggy $100,000 to liberate Al from his
dull life with the Bundy family. An overjoyed Peggy and Al accept
the offer and bid their farewells.

Finally rid of the bubonic Peg, Al climbs into bed with his
woman of fortune. However, deep-rooted love and fidelity overcome
testosteronic whims, and he doesn’t even touch her. And so do Al
and Peg reunite, their fidelity to one another rock solid.

So it is now easy to see why Peg and Al may joke so much, for
they know that it is just that: a joke with no link to reality.
Similar cases confront Al weekly, and he deals with each of them
with the same tact and sagacity as he did with Vanna. In the words
of the Great Orator himself, "Getting a new car is like trading
(Peg) in for a blonde with shiny, factory warranted hooters. Sure,
the first few times you ride it, it’s fun. But in the long run …
you’re the one I want." After all, "Why pay for milk when I’ve got
a cow at home?"

An examination of the Al-Bud rapport also yields similar
results. While Bud’s intelligence is extraordinary for a member of
the Bundy family, his failure with women is ultimately his fatal
flaw.

In one of Al’s many profound soliloquies, he reveals to Bud the
essence of the male-female relationship, in an effort to convince
Bud that the enlightenment he seeks from his first carnal knowledge
of a lady is more fantasy than reality. Whether this conclusion is
derived from Al’s own sexual inadequacies, or from actual truth, is
debatable; but either way, Bud feels better, and the father-son
bond is fortified ever more:

"I’m a moron, Bud. We’re all morons. That’s what comes from
being a man. From the first little worm they dare us to eat to the
last big shovel full of snow they convince us to move, we’re
nothing more to women than an amusement park ride with life
insurance."

The other of Al’s odious offspring, Kelly, presents a parenting
challenge which would invariably push the most patient, loving,
devoted parents beyond the brink of insanity. It is therefore
fortunate that young Kelly is fathered by the quintessence of the
aforementioned parental qualities.

While these tactics are a bit uncouth, the proof, my fellow
Americans, is in the pudding, as only Kelly Bundy can put it:
D-A-D-D-Y, by Kelly Bundy.

"D is for the many pies I baked you

"A is for the apple in my eye

"D is for the dish you ate the apple pie in

"D is for de apple in my eye

"Y is because I love you.

"Put them all together, they spell ‘daddy’"

Your Honor, the defense rests.

Next we shall encounter a facet of Al Bundy which should make
every American cry prideful tears of red, white and blue: Al Bundy
the patriot ­ defender of civil liberties, beer and the
American way.

If there’s one thing that’s made our nation great, it is the
ability and desire of the citizenry to identify that which is wrong
in our society and dedicate their life to rectifying it. Al Bundy
is the embodiment of this greatness:

"Remember when you could park on the street for free in this
country? Am I the only one who senses our freedoms are being taken
away? The freedom to park. The freedom not to fasten your seat
belts. To not have to worry about having a working muffler. Back
then, you could tell a man was coming by the black smoke belching
from his American car as he tossed beer cans and French fry
packages out the window. Now, how’s a man supposed to have fun? I
weep for this country."

But actions speak louder than words. One night, as Al lay asleep
in his bed, he heard a rustle downstairs. He rose from his slumber
to investigate. When he saw a burglar had broken into his house, he
gave him a knock-out uppercut that would have made Al go
slack-jawed with envy. The crook then tries to sue Al for hurting
his jaw. Al Bundy Esquire, in his closing argument, "If there’s one
thing that’s made this nation great, it’s that we kick the hiney
out of every country that tries to mess with the US of A … so if
you rule against me, your Honor, you rule against every man that’s
ever fought and died to make this country great."

While total emulation of this chauvinistic and often piggish
demagogue is not advisable, an adoption of Al Bundy’s fundamental
values could be beneficial. In a society in which love and marriage
seldom go together like horse and carriage, our nation needs a
point of light, a beacon for which it can aim, and upon which it
can construct a more perfect union for ourselves and our posterity.
That beacon is Al Bundy.

So the next time the Great One comes upon your screen, sneer not
at his tattered garb and downtrodden countenance. Rather, remember
that this is a man with whom lies the key to a greater nation.
Encourage your friends, enemies and siblings alike to cease their
quibbling for a moment, and absorb all of the knowledge that he
radiates. Many parents aren’t parenting; they rely on the
television to do so; that much is certainly clear. The time has
therefore come to let Al Bundy teach, and for us to listen.

My fellow Americans, may we now rise, place our right hands over
our hearts, face the American flag and yell, "Whoooooooah
Bundy!!"

Josh White