Wednesday, May 22, 1996
Speaking up may be difficult, but crucial to stop prejudiceBy
David Bain
I recently called off my engagement to be married. To help work
out some of the tension and stress that I have been feeling, I
decided to return to swimming. Swimming has always been a solace
for me. I can goof around with friends and get great relief from
general silliness in the water, or I can workout until all of my
muscles are dog-tired and I am completely relaxed. It has always
felt good to have the sun, the water and the rushing of water about
me as I glide across the pool, kick after kick, stroke after
stroke.
I was at Sunset Rec. a few days ago. Water polo was in the lap
pool, so I went up to the family pool to swim. I have been a
swimmer and a lifeguard for a long time, so I know that if I go up
to the family pool my chances of having an uninterrupted swim are
small to nil. I always expect that a kid will goof around in front
of me or that I may have to share with a much slower swimmer. It is
a pool for everyone, and I feel comfortable with that, even if it
is not always very convenient for me.
I stopped swimming to rest for a second. Some guys in the lane
next to me were trying to convince their friends to get in the
pool. One of the swimmers squirted some water at one of his friends
on land. The friend tried to move out of the way, but got wet
nonetheless. He yelled, "Stop it, ya fag!" I thought for a second.
Do I say something? It was not directed towards me. Do I tell the
lifeguard? Do I just ignore it? I decided to speak. I said, "I find
what you just said rather objectionable and offensive."
The guys all looked at me. They apologized and said that they
did not mean any offense. I said OK. They then started to speak in
a language other than English and moved to the other side of the
pool deck. The swimmers that they were talking to looked away. I
started to swim again, scared and embarrassed and satisfied about
what I had said.
I was in a bathroom about a week ago and heard two
self-identified staff members of the Daily Bruin talking about
day-to-day stuff. Then one of them said to the other, "Hurry up,
fag," with a giggle. I was quiet and left after they did, again
unsure of what to do when one is in a public restroom and very
vulnerable.
It is not easy to hear these things. As a resident assistant, I
hear my residents time and again say things like "That’s so gay!"
or "How faggy!" and I do not always speak up. If there is blatant
sexism or racism, I will stand up immediately. However, I have a
fear about drawing the line with the people I live with because I
hear these words and I know that they have again, and most likely
without malice, hurt me. I have to take a big risk and say, "Hey, I
don’t appreciate that as a fellow resident and as a gay person."
The looks and the gossip are hard to stomach. But I can live with
myself and choose the aloneness that comes from taking a risk for
my own self-worth.
Growing up, going to my grandparents was a very special time. I
got to be fussed over, held and generally be the center of
attention for a short while. I remember that they would use the
term "nigger" to describe African American people. I asked why they
could say that but I could not. They would tell me that it was not
polite. Then I would say, how come you use it? They would explain
to me that it was OK for them to say it as they were adults and
there were no African American people around. One was just never to
say those kinds of words around "those people."
I finally confronted my grandparents one day about their racism
and homophobia. They said that they said these things because they
felt safe to say them around me. They thought that I wouldn’t care
or make a big deal about it. They told me that they came from a
different culture and time. I should understand.
I hear this from students here, too. They say that I should
respect their culture and their values. I am unable to respect my
grandparents’ or fellow students’ values when they insist upon
denigrating me and people I care about. How anyone can assume that
respect for prejudice is courtesy is beyond me. Politeness and
social skills do not equal racism or homophobia. Hypocrisy is not a
manner anyone should be taught.
As a gay man who does not lisp, have a pink triangle tattoo,
have a large assortment of naked guy pictures on my wall, or a lot
of queer positive stuff around, I am sometimes hard to identify as
gay. I have been "out" in the Daily Bruin, in the monthly
newsmagazine 10 Percent and to classmates and staff members. But I
do not feel that I should have to let every person that I run into
know that I am big homo. Most people don’t care or are not
interested. I feel the same way about them as well. I am here for
school and enlightenment, not sexual surveys.
I am constantly amazed that people all over this campus will say
remarks that hurt me to my core because they do not think that I am
gay or I do not have gay friends. If I do not look the part, I must
be part of the majority. This assumption is wrong.
I have friends that work as community service officers,
emergency medical technicians, police officers, program assistants,
resident assistants, teaching assistants and others who tell me
about the constant fear of standing up for their sexual orientation
and being ostracized for it. Those of us who can pass for
"straight" (whatever that means) are constantly put in this bind of
should I not rock the boat or should I be true and take the
aloneness that often comes with this choice? Should I risk my
career, grade, job, "friends" for this? Should I be a team player
or not?
Confidence and self-worth do not come from having great "coping
skills," social skills or good manners. They come from self-esteem,
honesty and respect. When I swim in the pool, change in the locker
room, meet with my residents  I am there to be me. Not some
overly-polite, people-pleasing, "straight-acting,"
craving-for-acceptance, know-it-all kind-of-guy  I just need
to be me: a warm, caring individual with a sense of humor.
Overcompensating for one’s true self is not self-esteem. Do I
come out to everyone? No, I don’t feel the need to. I do feel the
need to be myself. And if coming out, again and again, means that I
save myself and other people the pain and embarrassment of the
assumption that you can say remarks about homosexuals or people of
color without me being offended  then I will.
And I ask all of you, whatever your orientation, and
particularly those of you who are in the closet or are in a hostile
environment on campus, take the chance. Standing quiet for
prejudice because you are being polite is one of the most
self-destructive things one can do.
David Bain is a fourth-year music student and the columnist for
10 Percent.