Female friends may give signs of true feelings
Dear Darlene:
I seem to have a pattern of becoming really good friends with a
girl and then developing a wicked crush on her. But by then, the
thought of having a relationship that is anything more than a
friendship seems almost inappropriate – or at least risky to the
friendship. Therefore, I continue to interact with her as I
normally would, but having to hold in these feelings. Why am I
doing this? Is there such a thing as being "trapped in the friend
zone?" Do you believe a relationship necessarily must start based
on a friendship?
Friendly Guy
Dear Friendly:
The first thing I thought when I read your letter was, "You must
have some pretty great qualities to have good women friends that
want to spend time with you." The question then, is how do you
translate those good feelings into a relationship?
Interestingly, I talked with several guys about this idea of
"the friend zone," and all nodded knowingly and said they’ve been
there too. And they all said, as did you, that the idea of risking
the loss of a friendship or being rejected is scary.
That’s understandable. But if you don’t take a risk, you might
never know what could be. The risk, however, should be calculated.
By that I mean, don’t just blurt out, "I have a wicked crush on
you," but rather look for signs as to how she might react if you
wanted to pursue a more romantic relationship with her.
Some subtle ways a woman may convey that she’s interested in
more than a friendship might be: she tends to touch you, playfully
or caringly, when you talk; you are one of the first people she
calls when she has either good or bad news; or her gaze tends to
linger when you look at each other. Of course, these are just some
examples, but any of these things can be clues as to how she might
respond if you wanted to be more honest about your feelings.
If you’re still unsure, try taking it slowly. Rather than asking
her out on a formal date, try something more causal and less
threatening. Ask if she wants to study with you or go to the store.
Of course, make sure it’s just the two of you when this
happens.
Having said all this, there is no guarantee that it will turn
out the way you want, but obviously you have qualities that women
like. At some point, you’ll meet a woman where the chemistry works
too.
As for your last question of whether a relationship must start
based on a friendship, let me say this: There is no right or wrong
way to fall in love. If, however, your relationship has a really
good friendship as part of it, you’ll be a lucky man.
Dear Darlene:
I’ve heard about these new polyurethane condoms. What’s up with
them? Are they any good?
Rubber Man
Dear Rubber Man:
The new polyurethane condom came on the market about a year and
a half ago. Marketed under the name Avanti, the condom was
considered to be particularly helpful to those people who might be
allergic to the latex found in ordinary condoms.
Everything looked great until some studies found that the
breakage rates of Avanti were higher than latex condoms – as much
as four times higher. Because the government still wanted to
provide an alternative for latex-allergic people, they didn’t pull
Avanti off the market, but they did order the manufacturers back to
the lab to figure out the problem.
So, at least at this point in time, if you’re not allergic to
latex, you might want to think twice about Avanti.
Dear Darlene:
One night when my partner and I were getting intimate, I found
out that he has certain parts of his body pierced. My problem is
that it turns me off. How can I approach him and tell him how I
feel?
Turned Off
Dear Turned Off:
Just because body piercing turns you off does not mean you have
a problem. It just means that you and your partner have different
ideas of what you consider a turn on.
The best way to approach your partner about this is to be
direct, as you were with me. Try to focus on your own feelings
about the body piercing rather than putting him down. For example,
you might want to say, "I really like being with you, but I have
trouble getting turned on with body earrings. Can we talk about
it?" This kind of conversation addresses your needs without hurting
him.
Stay away from comments like, "I can’t believe you pierced your
body," or "I think body piercing is gross," or "I can’t be with you
if you’re going to have that earring." These kind of statements may
make your partner feel put down or rejected. Give him the chance to
figure out a way to make it work for the two of you.
Although you did not state where your partner has his body
piercing, if it is the penis, there could be some sexual health
issues to consider. If the two of you are engaging in intimacy that
requires a condom, an earring could increase the likelihood of the
condom breaking. Also, if you have intercourse, the earring could
cause some skin tearing for both of you.
The bottom line is to talk about your feelings. If he responds
by saying something like, "Too bad, the earring stays," then you’ve
learned something about him and his ability to take your feelings
into account. This may be a sign of an issue that is larger than
just your physical relationship.
Darlene Mininni is Sexual Health Education Program coordinator
in UCLA’s Student Health Service. Please send your questions about
sex and relationships to: Dear Darlene, UCLA Student Health
Service, A2-130 Center for Health Sciences, Los Angeles, CA
90095-1703. Questions can be e-mailed to dmininni@saonet.ucla.edu
or faxed to (310) 206-8012. She can only respond to your questions
through this column.Comments to webmaster@db.asucla.ucla.edu