Darlene delves into ovulation debate, virginity doubts
Dear Darlene: My friends and I can’t agree on what time of the
month a woman is most likely to get pregnant. My one friend says
it’s right after your period is over, but I think it’s more like
two weeks after your period. Who is right?
Arguing in Dykstra
Dear Arguing: You’re close. Let me explain. In a perfect world,
the menstrual cycle is 28 days long. That means there are 28 days
between the first day of a woman’s period and the first day of her
next period. Given this perfect cycle, women will be most fertile
around day 14. This is the time when a woman ovulates, or releases
an egg.
The problem with going by this strict formula is that many
things can interfere with it. If a woman has a cycle that is either
longer or shorter than 28 days, her fertile time will be different.
If a woman experiences stress or gets sick, her fertile time may
change (and being a college student, it’s pretty hard to avoid
stress).
My advice to sexually active women who don’t want to get
pregnant, is to use a contraceptive at all times of the month. The
Women’s Health Clinic in Student Health also offers classes on
fertility awareness and how to detect your body’s signs of
ovulation.
Dear Darlene: I had oral sex with my boyfriend, and now I’m
worried that I’ve lost my virginity. My girlfriends say that I
haven’t, but I’m not sure. What do you think?
Concerned
Dear Concerned: The most important question to ask is, "What
does being a virgin mean to you?" Whether or not you are still a
virgin depends on your definition of virginity and the meaning it
holds in your life.
Some people define it in a technical way. They feel they are no
longer virgins once they have intercourse for the first time.
Others have a more emotional definition of virginity. For them,
losing their virginity happens when they have intercourse or are
physically intimate with someone they really love, regardless of
how many times they’ve had sex in the past. Still others see
virginity lost when they are physically intimate on any level with
another person.
Although I don’t know the details of your experience or your
relationship with your boyfriend, it’s possible that your
uncertainty may be related more to your feelings about having oral
sex than the issue of whether you’re still a virgin. You might be
feeling concerned about that. Ask yourself, "Do I feel comfortable
with the idea of having oral sex with my boyfriend?" "Is this kind
of intimacy in keeping with my values and beliefs about sex and
relationships?" If your answer is no, you may find that key to your
discomfort is that you are engaging in a type of intimacy you’re
not ready for.
If, on the other hand, you do feel ready for this kind of
physical relationship and it is in keeping with your values, your
conflict may be connected to the whole notion of "losing" your
virginity.
Regardless of how you define virginity, it’s not really
something you lose. It’s more of an entrance into a world of
experience you’ve never had before.
The feelings of loss sometimes associated with sex and physical
intimacy may stem from the view that once we connect deeply with
another individual, we become more separate from our parents and
move farther down the road to adulthood. Our identity evolves and
we now see ourselves in a new way. Sometimes that experience can be
both exhilarating and scary at the same time.
I encourage you to explore your feelings, talk with your
boyfriend,and don’t do anything you don’t feel ready to do.
Dear Darlene: Sometimes I feel like everyone is having sex but
me. That’s OK because I want to wait until I’m married before I
have sex. I feel good about that decision, but sometimes I wonder:
Am I weird?
Celibate and Happy
Dear Celibate and Happy: No, you’re definitely not weird! You
are also not alone. At UCLA, about 40 percent of all undergraduates
have never had vaginal or anal intercourse. Of students under 21,
that number is closer to 50 percent. One student even started a
V-Club in his dorm. Hold on to your beliefs. You have plenty of
company.
Darlene Mininni is the Sexual Health Education Program
coordinator in the UCLA Student Health Service. Please send your
questions about sex and relationships to: Dear Darlene, UCLA
Student Health Service, A2-130 Center for Health Sciences, Los
Angeles, CA 90095-1703. Questions can be e-mailed to
dmininni@saonet.ucla.edu or faxed to (310) 206-8012. She can only
respond to your questions through this column.Comments to
webmaster@db.asucla.ucla.edu