George’s guide for free grub, garb and gifts
George Tsai
Are you handing those out?" As soon as I nod my head, I know I
am in trouble. A few index fingers point in my direction and the
attention of the masses focuses on me. Immediately, flocks of
people surround me, arms outstretched, eyes widened. Similar to the
zombies in "Thriller," they approach at the speed of Tyus.
No time to scream. My hands become preoccupied while my brain
attempts to decipher the many requests for two or more of the
handouts. Distributing the "BRUINS #1" signs at such a frenzied
pace allows me no chance to complain about the long day I am
having. It seems that for every hand I feed, three more replace
it.
This is life in a world of freebies. Outsiders take it lightly.
We students make it a way of life. Professionals see it as good PR.
We see it as revenge against corporations for suggesting such high
retail prices at stores. Some consider these as trial or
promotional products. For us, they can be some of our only means of
survival.
It’s true. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. The fact is, I’m
living large: My shaved head is well-maintained, my stomach always
manages to get filled and my closet is constantly stocked with
clean shirts. Rich and loaded? Hardly. Tom Vu seminars? Not quite.
Welcome instead to George’s Grand Guide to Gods of Grub, Garb,
Gadget and Gift Giveaways. And this advice comes free of charge,
but only exclusively to you at the home of the NCAA hoop
champs.
Grub. If you drive, head for your nearest Price Club. Millions
of food samples await: everything from lasagna, pizza and sausages
to coffee, ice cream and cookies. Go back enough times and you can
probably skip your next meal.
If staying in Westwood is a necessity, there’s no better time to
hog freebies than at the beginning of the school year. Till this
day, I am still feeding off the Pop Tart S’mores for breakfast and
Success Rice for dinner.
Meals sounding too bland for you? Give zing to your taste buds
courtesy of ASUCLA and its fine assortment of condiments. Heck, if
they’re getting away with raising food prices while making bank off
of March Madness, it’s only justified to milk them for everything
else. And while you’re at it, help yourself to cups, napkins and
plastic utensils. No dishwashing required.
Specialized diets aren’t excluded from the freebie game, either.
Hang with the Bruin Walk Hare Krishnas for vegetarian meals.
Carnivores, kick it with the frats during rush week for steak,
lobster and burgers.
Between meals, depend on Campus Events and the athletic
department to satisfy your snacking needs. These organizations have
been known to provide event-goers with chocolate, Power Bars,
sports drinks and Haagen Dazs.
Garb. Most corporations would like you to advertise for them.
But since most of us are unwilling to parade around in sandwich
boards, these companies settle with giving us free Ts. If you get
over the fact that you’re being exploited, your wardrobe will
overflow. Nice-looking designs on the front, big-ass logos of shoe,
phone, food or armpit deodorant corporations on the back. Oh
well.
Tell the armed forces you’re interested in being recruited and
your government will soon send you a T-shirt, shorts or even a pair
of socks. So what if there’s some jarhead knocking on your door a
week later? Sacrifices must be made somewhere.
Looking shaggy or smelling like Royce Hall sewage pipes? Trial
packs during fall quarter offer soap, shampoo, perfume, tampons,
shaving gel and razors. Snake enough of them and you’re set for the
rest of the year.
Gadgets. If your room is as bare as Florida International’s
trophy case, it’s time to get some more freebies. First, get
posters and promo CDs at Ackerman movies. Then apply for one of
those free credit cards with no annual fee  grab that free
water bottle while you’re at it. Next, lower your ethical standards
and max out your newly acquired plastic at the nearest electronics
megastore. Buy, enjoy and return the products (in their original
packages) within 30 days. If everything works out, you’ll have free
use of brand-name merchandise at no cost to you. Life is great if
you have no conscience.
Giveaways. When the supply of signs I hand out is finally
depleted, I breathe a sigh of relief. Our supply of buttons, pins,
signs and video order forms is now officially exhausted. With the
easy tasks done, it is now time to prepare for hell. I hop in the
passenger seat of the orange electric cart and the vehicle
maneuvers its way around the Pauley Pavilion crowds. We load more
boxes onto the cart and devise a plan to distribute the free Final
Four T-shirts. Taking an armful, I walk inside the gate and begin
passing out the T’s to fellow Bruins. Here’s one for you and one
for …
Too late. The stampede has already begun and I am its
destination. Within seconds, people fight for the freebies and a
woman slaps another for sole possession of one. Left with nothing,
I smile and laugh.
I would’ve done the same thing.
Tsai is a fifth-year senior majoring in processed natural highs.
His column appears on alternate Tuesdays.