“Jupiter Ascending”
Directed by Andy Wachowski and Lana Wachowski
Warner Bros.
2.0 / 5.0 paws
Ever since their peak with 1999’s “The Matrix,” a film that fits the idea of “cultural touchstone” to a T, the Wachowskis have fallen further and further down the rabbit hole. That’s not just in regards to the maligned “Matrix” sequels – their most recent directing efforts, “Speed Racer” and “Cloud Atlas,” had so much razzmatazz that it’s hard to tell how much thought went into planning either film’s actual substance.
In the sense of quantity over quality, “Jupiter Ascending” destroys the competition. Every penny of the Wachowskis’ $175 million budget is put to use, whether it be for the snarling realism of hulking lizard-people or the destruction of a small civilization. But can the once prolific directors make Hollywood’s trust worth their while when viewers discover how vapidly senseless their imaginations have become?
In short, no. There are so many concepts briefly and unsatisfyingly explained within the two-hour time span of “Jupiter Ascending” that it’s hard to summarize them into one coherent thought, but here goes nothing: Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is a young Russian woman who, mainly due to her family job cleaning other families’ toilets, repeatedly brings up that she hates her life. That is, until a wolf-human hybrid named Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) jumps in to gallantly whisk her into the Chicago skyline with his gravity-defying space boots.
Turns out there are a lot of people-alien hybrids hunting down Jupiter, namely three royal siblings of the Abrasax dynasty: Titus (Douglas Booth), Kalique (Tuppence Middleton) and Balem (Eddie Redmayne). By some kind of cosmic miracle, Jupiter happens to have the exact same genetic configuration as the ancient Abrasax queen, which therefore gives her the right to the long-deceased queen’s fortune, including Earth. Titus and Balem aren’t fans of the newly entitled princess, and must eliminate her to claim their rightful inheritance.
One would be hard-pressed to find a line of dialogue in “Jupiter Ascending” that isn’t exposition. In creating their “Star Wars”-inspired universe, the Wachowskis set about giving their characters a loony background story: extraterrestrial humans are among the galaxy’s oldest species and have discovered ways to harvest other less-developed humans to make what is essentially life juice. Earth is one of those harvesting grounds, and with the rights to its ownership, Titus and Balem can create a rich surplus of life juice to bathe in – literally.
“Jupiter Ascending” also provides answers for such pressing problems as why no one has seen aliens before, what crop circles are and why the dinosaurs all simultaneously died. None of these explanations are good, and many of them are borderline laughable, but they pale in comparison to the star of the show: Jupiter herself.
It’s not that Kunis does a bad job screaming and flying into Tatum’s arms over and over, but that her character constantly puts herself in these situations in the first place. At one point, she accepts an engagement proposal from an alien who just recently kidnapped her and showed her his prized collection of dead humans. It’s almost as if these characters don’t have any idea what’s going on either, with the wholesome exception of the villainous Balem, who is played so outlandishly by Redmayne that the cast of “The Fifth Element” would be proud.
“Jupiter Ascending” will be a hilarious B-movie one day, so it’s such a shame how much A-list effort was put into its production. Delayed from July due to necessary work on special effects, it’s clear to see the labor of love that went into the film’s splendid action sequences. Had the story been more refined, even pushed to relative competence, the Wachowskis may have been able to redefine the space opera genre for the current age.
It’s hard to conceive from their notably gleeful ambition that the Wachowskis are able to make something so soulless and witless. “Jupiter Ascending” can’t be outright hated – as lavish and silly as it is – but its imminent failure among the world’s action-fantasy fans will be a hard hit for original sci-fi in today’s business. There are subtleties throughout that hint at a once genius directing style, but like “Waterworld” before it, “Jupiter Ascending” is an extravagant misfire for a new generation.
– Sebastian Torrelio