A Christmas

A Christmas

gift list for

the naughty

and the nice

Chris Schreiber

As the winter break approaches, and what with this being the
last issue of the paper in 1994 and all, I’m starting to get
nostalgic. 1994 has been quite a year, top to bottom, filled with
its share of memories made on the college sports fields and courts
of the country.

Like me, Santa Claus has been reflecting on the year in sports
and as the old saying goes, he knows who’s been naughty and nice.
And because Santa and I are tight, well, he’s given me a sneak
preview of what some people can expect in their stockings on
Christmas morning. A sampling:

Joe Blair, center, Arizona basketball team: A report card.
Stapled to some coal. (If he’s good next year, a See-and-Say might
be in the works.)

The UCLA men’s basketball team: A tailor to hem their
shorts.

The UCLA women’s basketball team: An 8×10 glossy of Natalie
Williams, signed, "Wish I could be there. But not as bad as you
do."

Colorado head football coach Rick Neuheisel: Certificate of
achievement. Stapled to a box of Kleenex (saying goodbye to Rashan
Salaam will be teary.)

Linebacker Donnie Edwards: The time and place of the NFL
combine. Stapled to a plane ticket.

UCLA freshman J.R. Henderson: A lottery ticket.

The UCLA men’s soccer team: A bullet. Stapled to a note from
Santa ­ "Keep dodgin’ it, guys."

Jesse Jackson: A line. Stapled to a note ­ "Get in it."

John Wooden: Notice from the Pope he is being considered for
Sainthood.

Cherokee Parks: A gift certificate to SuperCuts.

The men’s swimming and gymnastics teams: Pink Floyd album ­
Wish You Were Here.

Wisconsin tailback Brent Moss: A monopoly set (with extra
get-out-of-jail-free cards).

The Oregon football team: The Penn State playbook (they’ll need
it).

J. J. Stokes: A gold pen. Stapled to a phat first-round NFL
contract for him to sign.

Rob Johnson: Hee hee hee. A Notre Dame pennant and UCLA cap.
Stapled to a box of Wheaties (the best he can ever hope for from
the breakfast of champions is to eat it).

USC cheerleaders: A note from the Beverly Hills Board of Plastic
Surgeons ­ "Thanks for the business!" Stapled to a reminder
from Wolff Tanning Salons ­ "Next appointment is in two
weeks!"

Steve McNair, Alcorn State quarterback: The Heisman Trophy.
Stapled to a note that says, "You’ve been playing against stiffs
all year. Now here’s one for your mantle."

Jim Harrick: A high-tech, Golden Hurricane warning system.

Arizona Wildcat football team: Black roses. Stapled to a note
­ "See you next year. Oh, wait, probably not. Love, Tournament
of Roses."

UCLA women’s volleyball team: Seven-pack of Seven-Up.

Terry Donahue: Fisher-Price View Finder with two cartridges.
Will serve as UCLA’s highlight reel for 1994 season.

Washington football team: Subpoena to appear in People’s Court,
where they will appear as plaintiff in suit against Pac-10.
Contingent upon season in which they don’t suck.

Santa handed me this list, of course, under the pretense that I
reveal only a partial list. After all, it wouldn’t be fair for me
to tell you that he was giving the Clippers a record-breaking
season or that Damon Stoudamire was so good this year he was
getting two gifts ­ a Marie Callender’s Humble Pie and a big
box of Oxy-10.

So I agreed, and Santa flew off with his eight tiny reindeer,
yelling, "Merry Christmas to all, my butt’s asleep I’ve been flying
this thing so long."

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