Adam Epstein Epstein is a third-year
communications studies student wondering how to get in the
Abercrombie Longerboarder Club. Those with any advice, e-mail him
at eppyad@hotmail.com.
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Today, we are going to pledge to try something novel. By novel,
I mean fresh and by fresh I mean new. I urge all of you, from the
most timid dorm rat, to the most belligerent “loadie,”
to join me this weekend and embrace a new way of thinking and
interacting. Now is the time for real action. Starting this
weekend, let us all become Blunt. From now on, sugarcoating is
strictly forbidden.
To the bong-happy Rastafarians whose pupils just dilated with
excitement, you should probably calm down. The fact that today is
April 20th is merely a coincidence. Blunt has nothing to do with 20
sacks or Phillie cigars. Blunt is a concept, a state of mind, one
whose time has long been overdue. It encompasses how one carries
oneself, the confidence one has, and most visibly, the statements,
quips and questions that come out of one’s mouth. Blunt is
real feelings and convictions, real desires and hopes, all these
things expressed in a way that leaves no doubt as to exact meaning.
Blunt is truth, and truth is Blunt.
Enough rhetoric then, what exactly is Blunt? How does one accept
Blunt into his life? Actually, it’s astonishingly simple. To
be a full-fledged practitioner of Blunt, all you must do is say
what you are truly thinking or feeling. Pull no punches, do not
self-censor, and for the love of God, do not worry about what
you’re saying affecting your “image.” To be
Blunt, say what you feel.
Practical applications and real-world uses for the Blunt way of
life are quite numerous. Let’s be Blunt with relationships.
Guys, do you have a girl who you have always wanted to go out with?
Tell her so. No need for small talk, no need for any senseless
drivel that will get in the way of your point. Repeat: “Hello
(insert girl’s name here). It’s (insert your name
here). I really want to (get coffee, go to a movie, have sex, etc.)
with you. Whadda ya say?” It’s simple. It’s
Blunt.
 Illustration by KRISTEN GILLETTE/ Daily Bruin
Females especially should allow Blunt to come to their aid. Is
there a guy that recently asked you to go to coffee, the movies or
to have sex? If you want to, say, “Yes.” If you
don’t desire his Blunt proposal, say, “No.”
It’s just that easy.
Also, here’s a little tidbit of information for all
females possibly considering the Blunt way of life: There is
nothing cooler in the entire universe, nothing, than a girl who
tells a guy exactly what she wants. The vast majority of males are
more than happy to oblige, elated by the fact that they do not have
to go through the guessing games, risk-taking and “I wonder
what she’s thinking” brouhaha that is usually
associated with non-Blunt girls.
Dating and relationships are just the tip of the Blunt iceberg.
Is there somebody at work who you just cannot stand? Tell them. Do
you feel that you should be making more money, or that your boss
doesn’t appreciate all the overtime that you have recently
put in? Let “˜em know about it. Does your mom’s
casserole taste like a slow roasted tire? Say so. Chances are that
most non-Blunt people who say nothing will agree with you.
Please understand that Blunt does not necessarily mean
offensive. Sure, at first it will take some getting used to, but in
time, people will adapt. Survival of the fittest applies, as those
with the thickest skins and most developed sense of not worrying
about trivial matters will rise above the crowd. Overly sensitive
types need not apply.
There are many vital tenets associated with the Blunt canon that
expand on its in-your-face attitude. Quite possibly the most
important and explanatory is known as The Band-Aid Effect. By
applying the Band-Aid Effect in all Blunt circumstances,
individuals are able to avoid prolonging already difficult or
uncomfortable situations. Is a relationship going down the tubes?
Break it off. Immediately.
Is somebody yapping your ear off at a party to the point where
you want to find the nearest window and plunge to a quick, silent
death? Tell them you don’t want to talk anymore instead of
nodding your head like you care at all. Sure, the initial yank of
the Band-Aid Effect might sting a bit, but the pain is nothing
compared to a slow, torturous removal, slowly tearing hair from
flesh or the fun from life.
I feel that Blunt is the next inevitable step in our social
consciousness. Satire, sarcasm, tongue-in-cheek humor and a myriad
of other old time favorites have recently fallen by the way side.
One would assume then, that the straight, honest speech provided by
Blunt would be heartily welcomed. After all, people wouldn’t
have to think as much. Wouldn’t that be a relief!
But, this is not always the case. The Blunt way of life has a
formidable foe that has not allowed it to become a fully utilized
and accepted part of life. I am talking of course about the dreaded
force known as Political Correctness, or P.C. as many of its
verbose denizens refer to it.
Where Blunt speech and behavior gets right to the point, P.C.
attempts to confuse, disguising meaning and true intentions under a
blanket of unnecessary language. “Shell-shock” becomes
“post-traumatic stress syndrome.” Short people become
“vertically challenged.” People don’t die, they
“move on.” Politicians aren’t corrupt, they just
have “questionable ethics.” It appears then,
people’s desires are at a crossroads.
Do we demand straight answers, or do we refrain from offending
anybody? Do we say what is on our minds, or come up with inane and
frivolous ways to redefine everything. Can we have our Blunt cake
and still eat it in an inoffensive manner?
The answer is no. Now is the time to accept Blunt, and enter
into a new realm of understanding and Blunt dialogue. Becoming
Blunt is an endeavor that requires the cooperation of every man,
woman and child. The system will fail if there are those who decide
they want to be Blunt and others who feel it is not in their best
interests. Teamwork is key to Blunt action, as Blunt is only as
affective as its least Blunt member.
So tell a friend. Spread the word. Today, let’s begin
saying what we are thinking. Similarly, when we hear somebody
acting Blunt, let’s stop automatically taking offense. When a
girl asks her boyfriend, “Does this dress make me look
fat?” and it does, he will say, “Yes,” and she
will not care.
What a wonderful world Blunt could be.