Women can be attracted to friends
This letter is in response to Nielson Hul’s letter,
“Men
shouldn’t bother seeking sex with friends“
(Viewpoint, Letters, Nov. 20).
First of all, I think that the writer is totally missing the
point of Brendan Nemeth-Brown’s column “Women
shouldn’t rule out male pals for dating“
(Viewpoint, Nov. 15). The column was about dating, as indicated
right in the title ““ since when is dating equivalent to
sex?
Presumably, the relationship initiated by dating becomes much
more than a friendship before sex occurs. My boyfriend and I have
been together for nearly two years and we were good
“pals” for several months before we started dating. We
still consider each other best friends. My female friend at Harvard
has a similar story behind her relationship with her boyfriend.
Secondly, as a college woman, I find this letter quite
offensive. The writer flat out states that “college women do
not want some guy who is caring and sensitive.” I can’t
help but wonder where he found the evidence to support this
flagrant generalization, and why he has the authority to tell us
what women want. I personally have always wanted a guy who is
caring and sensitive (and “my guts” agree), as have my
female friends, and would not want one any other way.
In fact, I tend to become attracted to platonic male friends who
have those qualities (which was why my boyfriend and I started
dating each other in the first place), and I know that I’m
not alone in this experience.
Being caring and sensitive certainly doesn’t make a guy a
eunuch, but more of a man for being able to throw aside Western
culture’s gender-role stereotype of insensitivity,
aggressiveness and machismo. It is possible to be strong and
masculine without being “aloof, distant, mysterious, and
somewhat aggressive” or “an unavailable
jerk.”
And how can “sublime messages in the media” cause an
“instinctual” desire for a particular type of man? Are
women just mindless beings who do whatever the media dictate? I
would like to know what kind of experiences the writer has had that
lead him to bitterly conclude that “most college-aged women,
or girls, haven’t got the foggiest clue what they want in a
man.”
I am aware that my friends and I may not represent all college
women, but I think that we show that such broad, offensive
assumptions should be avoided. Women have experiences outside the
university curriculum (and the media) that guide what they look for
in a date.
Perhaps the writer is resentful because he mistakes the act of
sex for an intimate romantic relationship. I apologize if this is
not the case, but his letter certainly gives that impression.
Romantic relationships generally include sex, but they are much
more than that, and it’s no surprise that many women will say
“no” to having sex outside of a well-developed,
trusting, intimate relationship.
Dory Schachner Fourth-year Psychology
Relations should be based on more than sex
I feel that the letter written by Nielson Hul, “Men
shouldn’t bother seeking sex with friends,”
(Viewpoint, Nov. 20) paints an unfair portrait of both women and
men.
First, as a man, I take offense to the fact that Hul portrays
the male gender as being interested in women solely for the purpose
of sex. To say that the primary role of any male-female
relationship is sex puts humans in the category of animals. It
paints us as a species who are unable to control our lust; a
species that is not able to reconcile desires and natural
urges.
I believe it is preferable to be friends with a woman before
dating her, making the idea far from being negative. Initial
attraction is something that is decided on in a few seconds.
Wouldn’t you prefer to base a relationship on something more
lasting than a pretty face or nice body? I know I would, and I
believe most other men and women would as well.
The most disturbing thing about Hul’s letter, however, are
his views on women. Hul seems to think that women are nothing but a
confused gender that lack the ability to reconcile their desires
with what their “gut tells them to go for.” How could
any woman, or person for that matter, not be offended by
Hul’s views toward women? He refers to the women on campus as
“girls (who) haven’t got the foggiest clue what they
want in a man.” My response to this is simple: who does know
what they want in a partner?
I am 22 years old, but if you were to tell me you could make my
ideal woman, I wouldn’t know what to ask for. Love is
something you have to find, and what better way to find it than
through getting to know the person first?
If you were to go through life trying to find a person who fit
your perception of an “ideal” mate, you would be
eternally unhappy. While everyone has general ideas about things
such as a sense of humor and particular tastes, it is ultimately
the individual quirks you find in each person that make dating so
interesting.
In conclusion, I think it is sad to see that someone at an
institution of higher learning such as UCLA would still have such
antiquated views on women and relationships. The blanket and
derogatory statements made by Hul just go to show how far our
society has to travel before the idea of equality will truly be
instilled in the minds of its citizens.
Eric Wells Third-year History