Doug Lief Doug Lief is a fourth-year
English major who prays for President Martin Sheen to guide us
through these dark days. Contact him at dlief@ucla.edu. Click
Here for more articles by Doug Lief
He bursts out of fatigues. He twists thugs’ necks off. He
jingles all the way. He yells, “Aaaargh!” and
“Goddamn it!” better than any other working actor
today, but can Arnold Schwarzenegger help keep the world safe from
terrorism (not on Mars, but the real world)? The U.S. government
seems to think so.
The audience is now screwed.
Here’s the scoop right out of the Oct. 19 issue of
“Entertainment Weekly,” the magazine that answers all
of your burning questions like, “Why isn’t Kevin
Costner living in a cardboard box on Figueroa by now?”
After watching “Die Hard” about a thousand times,
our government has decided to contract the help of Hollywood
afficionados to invent possible terrorist scenarios so the
government could predict them. And if there’s one thing
Hollywood is good at, it’s Predictablility.
For example, one such H-wood helper is Randal Kleiser who,
according to EW, “Commanded young troops in
“˜Grease’ and bare youngsters in “˜The Blue
Lagoon,’ went high-tech with “˜Honey, I Blew Up the
Kid.'” In case you aren’t soiling your pants
already, I’m going to repeat this, because it bears
repeating. The guy who directed “Honey, I Blew Up The
Kid” is helping to concoct our military strategy.
Mommy!
 Illustration by JARRETT QUON/Daily Bruin In the film
“The Dirty Dozen,” Lee Marvin cautions that if we are
to win a war, it would be unwise to advertise to the enemy that
“at least one of the people in charge is a raving
lunatic.” I sincerely hope that this is George W.
Bush’s idea. Otherwise there’s at least two raving
lunatics running the country.
When trying to write films about military action or terrorist
attacks, it is standard industry practice for screenwriters to
consult with someone else in order to insure plausibility, and it
is also standard industry practice to ruin that plausibility by
casting John Travolta. I know it’s a stretch, but why
don’t we ask the consultant guy for help first?
Or we could ask Mary Lambert, who EW describes as having
“lived through the apocalyptic horrors of “˜Pet
Sematary’ and “˜Pet Sematary Two’ before joining
“˜The In Crowd.'”
We are all going to die.
These writers, directors and useless check-signers (producers)
are all part of a rough-and-ready gang of misfit underdogs, who
will have one chance, at one battle, at one moment, for their
country, for their honor, for the daughter they never knew they
had, because sometimes, falling in love is the easiest thing you
never got around to.
This Christmas, get ready for “Make Love, Not War,”
a Jerry Bruckheimer piece of crap. Read the preceding paragraph in
a scratchy voice for the full effect.
So who are these industry guys? These “creative”
people are all part of USC’s Institute for Creative
Technology. USC doesn’t quite manage to satisfy all of
Hollywood’s needs, but it does unzip its fly.
Why can’t Hollywood just stick to what it’s good at
““ namely, working on fictional war? Let me rephrase that. Why
can’t Hollywood just stick to what it’s mediocre at?
Consider my following pitch idea:
On Sept. 11, 2001, Felix Unger-Mohammed-Jabez was asked to
remove himself from the Taliban for suggesting that women be
allowed to go to the bathroom on alternate Thursdays. That request
came from his wife. Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also
knew that someday he would return to her. With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the cave of his childhood friend, Oscar bin Laden.
Sometime earlier, bin Laden’s 20,000 siblings had thrown him
out, requesting that he never return. Can a militant Islamic
extremist and a slightly less militant Islamic extremist live
together without gassing each other? Find out this week on
“The Jihad Couple.”
Hollywood should be commended for offering to help, but frankly
the kinds of bombs Hollywood makes so regularly aren’t the
kind Uncle Sam is looking for. I say we take all of these hacks,
strap them to real bombs and let them ride them Slim
Pickens-rodeo-style straight into Kabul.
I think the greatest contribution most of these writers and
directors can make for the war effort is to play the part of the
expendable extra, cannon fodder for the real enemy. Or we can go
the other way and foist politicians into the entertainment biz. Did
you know that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is really the
father of Rachel’s baby?
Perhaps the most glaring example of Hollywood and Washington
awkwardly married was Ronald Reagan, specifically an incident that
occurred shortly after his inauguration. He asked one of his
Cabinet members if he could see the Pentagon’s war room. The
cabinet member informed Reagan that no such room existed, to which
Reagan replied that he had seen it in the film “Dr.
Strangelove” and that therefore it did exist.
So please turn on, tune in and tune out, and let’s all
pray that Osama bin Laden doesn’t get “TV
Guide.”