Adam Epstein Epstein is a communications
studies student and he has learned to communicate like really …
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I am warning you in advance, fearless reader, that the second
sentence of this passage will start with the word “and”
and the third sentence will be a run-on.
And here we go.
(Here comes the run-on. Inhale). As I imagine the vast majority
of students can attest to, they have often been handed back first
drafts of papers or, God forbid, final copies and found them to be
covered with enough red slashes to make any dominatrix proud as
well as so-called “grammar correction” codes on the
sides of the errors that explain the mistake the writer made and
must be referenced with a key explaining the mistake to the
student. Agh! (Exhale).
Maybe this only occurs to those students who have more of a
writing based major where formulas for essays must be rigorously
followed. If a paper is seen lacking the sanctified structure of
thesis statement, proof of thesis and explanation for support, then
some act of high literary treason has been committed, one that must
be dealt with not only with a low grade (all that the student
actually cares about) but with such dirty words as
“verbose” or “flowery.”
In addition, there is quite possibly the most vile and
nightmare-inspiring phrase that will ever appear on a graded paper:
“vague and unclear.”
Now before MLA lovers and those who sleep with “The
Elements of Style” under their pillow (the latest edition of
course) begin to write heated and grammatically precise responses
decrying my opening words as nothing more than the incoherent
ramblings of a long-winded fool, I must explain my position.
I love proper grammar. I find short, surgical precise sentences
to be artistic. A sleek, well-polished essay is admirable. When
students live in fear of straying outside the boundaries of
“essay format,” they lose all sense of creativity in
not only critical essays but also in their writing as a whole.
Rules that have been drilled into our literary subconscious too
strongly dictate writing form and serve to limit students from
finding their own unique, creative literary style and voice.
While writing should indeed be clear, this does not mean that it
should be sterile, put together with the fewest words possible to
transfer information from the paper to the reader. Too many
students have been led down a jaded path when it comes to producing
written works. Consequently, their creative minds become clouded
and what I shall refer to as The Cult of the Five Paragraph Essay
determines their writing style.
The Cult of the Five Paragraph Essay has indoctrinated countless
students with the beliefs that personal opinions should be kept to
a minimum, individual voice should give way to a straightforward
explanation of the facts and above all, established structure
should not be challenged.
Does appealing to the desires of the Cult lead to higher grades?
Most likely. Does bowing to the wishes of the Cult and dutifully
following the Cult’s written propaganda (i.e. writing
prompts), lead to an informative and useful paper? Oftentimes,
yes.
Does giving in to the Cult’s desires to de-individualize
writers and reduce them to students who merely regurgitate
information stifle creative writing skills and suppress artistic
voice and experimentation? You bet your Cliff’s Notes it
does.
This is not to say that professors, TAs and other members of the
Cult do not have students’ best interests in mind. I firmly
believe that all teachers here at UCLA want to see students become
self-aware, creative individuals who are able to formulate
imaginative thoughts and express these ideas through written
words.
This is, after all, why many individuals choose to become
teachers. I have been assured numerous times that it is not for the
money.
Yet danger lies in the fact that when the writing process
becomes drilled in and mechanized, students tend to do little more
than fill out an essay chart of sorts. “Insert thesis here,
follow with two examples here and finish your paper with a
conclusion, repeating what you have already said in different
words.” Subject matter notwithstanding, the majority of
students’ written works often seem to be carbon copies.
I feel the time has come to ease up on the rules, to break away
from the Cult of the Five Paragraph Essay by not only questioning
the tenets of scholastic writing, but by sometimes ignoring them
completely.
The three-part thesis statement most often found in the last
sentence of the first paragraph is about as boring as Al Gore
““ In the dark ““ on Valium. For example,”Blah is
bringing down the nation due to blah, and blah and finally,
blah.” Sure, this is a great way of setting up a structured
(boring) paper, but students must realize that there are others
ways to write.
Try to pepper papers with sentences that are vibrant and
electric as say, George W. on cocaine. For the love of God, use
some descriptive and bizarre metaphors every once in while! There
is no rule against it.
“The lights on the ceiling were bright” is a fine
sentence with no loose ends to complain about, but “The
lights danced along the ceiling like radioactive
nymphomaniacs” paints a more creative, poetic picture and
shows that the writer is actually putting some effort and thought
into the words he or she is choosing.
Start sentences with “but” when you feel it will
sound proper. “But isn’t this against the rules?”
No! If “but” will start the sentence with a strong
effect, than by all means do it. There are only two kinds of
sentences: good, clear sentences and bad, uncertain sentences.
I urge all students to be concise in their writing but still
remember to have FUN. (Oops, I wrote a word in all caps,
that’s a no-no).
Realize that there is more to writing, there is more to literary
expression than the members of the Cult of the Five Paragraph Essay
would have you believe. If you must humor their monotonous needs
for the sake of grades, always remember in the back of your mind
that writing is not a formula, it is not a cold,
fill-in-the-blanks, Mad-Libs-style system, but is instead the most
readily accessible and undeniable means of self-expression
available.
Remember this the next time you are at office hours and the
professor says, “This sentence is unnecessary and too
flowery. Why did you try to write it this way?” Regardless of
whether or not you end up changing what you wrote, look at the
professor and calmly say, “I wrote it because it felt
good.”