Monday, February 22, 1999
Saving Face
MONUMENT: Bill to add Ronald Reagan’s bust
to Mt. Rushmore unduly glorifies president, would make George
Washington roll over in his grave
There is a bill proposed by Arizona representative Matt Salmon
(that’s right, like the fish) which, if enacted, would add another
president’s face to Mount Rushmore: Ronald Reagan. This is normally
the part of the column where I would insert another joke to round
out the introductory paragraph, but in this case I don’t think it
is necessary.
This wouldn’t be the first glorification of Reagan either.
Recently, Washington International Airport in Washington D.C.
became Ronald Reagan International Airport. That’s right folks. We
named an airport after the man who made a name for himself by
firing hundreds, thousands, perhaps even millions of air-traffic
controllers. Coincidentally, the first crash after the strike was
"solved" occurred at the airport that now bears the Gipper’s
namesake.
The plan would stick Reagan’s head right next to Abraham
Lincoln’s. Just picture it, the Great Emancipator paired with the
star of "Bedtime for Bonzo." If there’s one thing Lincoln’s head
should not be near, it’s another bad actor. (Note: John Wilkes
Booth, the man who shot Lincoln in the head, was also a renowned
actor of his time. I felt this note was necessary, as without it no
one with a public high school education would have gotten the
joke.)
Visitors at Mount Vernon have lately been unnerved by abnormal
tremors. Seismologists at the University of Virginia determined the
source of the vibrations to be George Washington rolling over in
his grave.
Salmon responded to criticism that this bill was partisan by
saying (and I swear I’m not making this up), "I hear my Democratic
friends want to add two faces to Mount Rushmore: Bill Clinton." The
producers of Saturday Night Live instantly jumped on Salmon’s
writing talent, as this was the best joke they had heard in over
three years.
I personally think it would be a waste of time to immortalize
Reagan in stone, because if you look at him, you realize it’s
already happened. Most people think he suffers from Alzheimer’s
disease. Something tells me the actor in Reagan is still alive and
well, and he’s merely faking Alzheimer’s to avoid Nancy. Well,
wouldn’t you?
If you haven’t guessed by now, Salmon is a member of that dying
breed, the Republican Party, or as it’s more commonly known, the
Rich White Anal Tightwads of America. Republicans often try to shed
this image by claiming that they were the party of Lincoln.
However, the Republicans of Lincoln’s time worked to end slavery,
while the 20th century GOP thought segregation was a pretty keen
idea.
So why is it Salmon went upstream to Washington D.C. to spawn
his little bill? He said, "As the 20th century’s greatest
president, he should be on Mount Rushmore." I swear, these jokes
write themselves. I would rate Reagan as the 18th best president of
the 20th century, though we’ve only had 17.
Maybe we should look at the facts and see if Reagan really
merits having his face next to Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and
Roosevelt (the one with the moustache). Do you remember the ’80s?
For those of you who don’t, it was a time of demonically possessed
hair, badly synthesized music, bone crushing capitalism, and at the
head of it all was our president, Howdy Doody.
What were some of President Doody’s most glaring mistakes? First
of all, he made James Watt secretary of the interior – the bureau
that handles stuff like national parks and forests, and sometimes
they do some really smashing decorating. Have you seen the curtains
in the Lincoln bedroom? Just fabulous.
Of course, putting Watt in charge of our forests is like hiring
a hungry wolverine to baby-sit your toddler. During the ’80s, if a
tree fell in the forest, it made a sound, and that sound was: "Dios
mio! Es James Watt, el diablo! No tree is safe from his tyranny!"
Those trees were of course the rare bilingual reaching pines that
Watt all but destroyed in 1982 after one of them made a dirty
anagram out of his last name.
Then there was President Doody himself. One of his major defense
initiatives was called Star Wars after he told his staff in a
moving address that he had the plans to destroy the huge Death Star
which loomed overhead, provided he had the star fleet to enact the
plan. It was later explained to him that the "Death Star" was in
fact the Moon.
He then told his staff, "You know, I have one simple request,
and that is to have sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to
their heads!"
Although the navy only managed to produce some ill-tempered
mutant sea bass, the Department of Defense did get all sorts of spy
technology in orbit. The satellites could be fired off by a simple
order from Ronnie of "Go go gadget death ray."
The plan wasted billions of dollars that probably could have
gone to help the poor and underprivileged, had the president not
decided that the poor and underprivileged would all be better off
dead.
Who can forget the inspirational 1985 State of the Union address
when he said, "Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free, and we’ll dispose of them properly." This
brilliant plan was called "Voodoo Economics" which some of you may
remember from your history classes, but it’s more likely you
remember it from "Ferris Bueller’s Day Off."
The way it worked was we gave money to rich white people, and
then let them keep it, while the middle class paid for everything.
You could imagine how popular this plan was, especially with the
Sheriff of Nottingham.
Perhaps his worst mistake was the Iran-Contra scandal, although
Reagan’s full involvement was never fully understood, because he
gave this stirring defense for himself. "I don’t fully recall what
I was told, but if someone did tell me and I did it, then I forgot
that they told me, so I couldn’t have done it, excepting that I did
and forgot but I wasn’t told, or of course someone could have told
me to forget that I forgot that I did it, but I forget if that
happened or if I forgot it, and no one told me if I did. What was
the question again? I forget."
If you couldn’t tell, I never really liked Reagan. However, I
think that if we were to build a monument to him, there are quite a
few other options than putting his face on Mount Rushmore.
For example, you’ve all seen those plastic bendable figurines of
the California Raisins. Wouldn’t a giant one of those suffice? It
could still have a very dignified pose and bear a plaque that would
read, "Ronald Reagan, 40th President of the United States of
America, an eater of jelly beans, a cowboy and a yutz in a
suit."
Doug Lief is a first-year psychology student and unlike half the
western world, is not considering running for president in 2000.
You can reach him at dlief@ucla.edu.
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