Friday, February 19, 1999
Crashing computers, neglected nominations …
COLUMN: Beware wrath of Microsoft, great performances don’t get
nod from Academy, vote for worst film of all time
I tend to write these columns about one topic, and drone on
about it for paragraphs and paragraphs, grinding whatever idea it
was that I had earlier that week into the ground in a fruitless
attempt to elicit laughter or maybe even thought from an unwilling
UCLA audience. And those are my good columns.
This week, however, I’m feeling scatterbrained as a result of
having my entire column deleted by the Daily Bruin computer system.
What happened was, I was sitting here in my cubicle in the Daily
Bruin office, writing a really interesting column (at least I
thought it was interesting) about how "The Simpsons" is the
greatest show in the history of television, when the computer I was
typing on suddenly informed me that Microsoft Word had unexpectedly
quit and my column was totally deleted. This was not exactly what
I’d wanted to hear.
This also leads me to question: What is the purpose of using a
computer if it can unexpectedly quit and delete everything you just
did on it. If computers suddenly lose the ability to save
information, don’t they just become large boxes with flashing
lights on them? I mean, the sole function of this piece of
machinery is to save data. I sent a letter to Bill Gates, asking
him this very question, and the following was his reply:
Valued Microsoft Customer,
Silly fool. How dare you say anything negative about me, Bill
Gates, the unquestioned Lord and Master of the Universe. Your
punishment will be swift and painful.
Sincerely,
Microsoft Technical Support
P.S. Please check out our brand new Windows 99 program, now with
ultra-super-multi-tasking so you can look at pornography on the
Internet while watching a pornographic DVD on your Desktop.
So, if my column fails to appear in future copies of the Bruin
because I have been brutally murdered and dumped in the East River,
you all know who is responsible.
Instead of rewriting my column about "The Simpsons," which I
promise to run at some later date when I have nothing else
interesting to write about (so probably next week), I decided to
write a mixed bag of various topics which are of concern to me this
week.
First and foremost, a few words about my ongoing "Best Horrible
Movie To Watch While Intoxicated" Contest. I have received a
whopping three responses to this column since it ran over a month
ago. I can think of only two explanations for this
1. No one cares about my column.
2. People have been trying to send me e-mails with their
suggestions, but so many e-mails are arriving each moment, it has
shut down the server and I can’t receive any of this feedback.
Obviously, only one of these explanations is at all reasonable,
so I must conclude that the UCLA server has been inundated with
e-mail responses to my column. Shame on you Chancellor Carnesale
for failing to upgrade the system which is apparently incapable of
accounting for wildly popular Daily Bruin columnists. And shame on
you, Microsoft, for failing to develop technology that would
prevent such e-mail difficulties.
Valued Microsoft Customer,
Prepare to die, infidel.
Sincerely,
Microsoft Technical Support
But, just in case I’m wrong and the problem is merely apathy
among the reading public, this is your last chance to respond. Send
me your choices for worst movie ever, so bad that it’s
entertaining, to keyser@ucla.edu. If you don’t e-mail me and 10 of
your friends within the next week, bad luck will follow you around
forever.
Next topic up for consideration is the recent Academy Award
nominations. As these were released almost two weeks ago, I realize
that most people already know who was nominated for what, so I’ll
only briefly touch on the major problems I had with this year’s
nominations.
First of all, 1998’s best film "Rushmore" was not nominated for
anything; this is nothing short of criminal. Two of the films
nominated for Best Picture of the Year ("The Thin Red Line" and
"Elizabeth") were not half as innovative or enjoyable as
"Rushmore," and Bill Murray’s acting in the film was one of the
year’s best performances.
Another great film which totally got the shaft this year was
"The Opposite of Sex." The original screenplay for "Opposite of
Sex" is so winning, creative and funny, it makes most of the
nominees in that category seem about as intelligent and perceptive
as an episode of the Teletubbies, but with less overt
homosexuality.
Perhaps the biggest insult of this year, though, is the failure
of the Academy to nominate Jim Carrey for best Actor. Not only did
he win-over critics and audiences in a rare dramatic performance,
he won the Golden Globe for his portrayal of Truman Burbank in "The
Truman Show." Neglecting to even nominate him, and choosing the
passable performance of Roberto Begnini in his otherwise wonderful
"Life is Beautiful" is slap in the face for Carrey and "The Truman
Show," which was one of the year’s best American films.
Oh well. I’m just about all complained out (which doesn’t happen
very often). Suffice it to say, you probably would have enjoyed
this column a great deal more in its original inception, before the
evil, vindictive Arts & Entertainment computers decided to
relegate my writing to the back reaches of its motherboard, where
it will remain until the release of Microsoft 00, now with the
ability to do its own computing without the need for any human
intervention.
Harris is a third-year history student and assistant A&E
editor.Lonnie Harris
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