Doug Lief Lief is a fourth-year English
student whose Social Security is going to replenish Bush’s endless
supply of red ties. Contact him at dlief@media.ucla.edu.
Political pundits prematurely wrote the obituary for irony.
“Irony,” they said, “born in Ancient Greece to
Mr. and Mrs. Plato, died Sept. 11, 2001of massive obsolescence and
impropriety.”
Irony and humor have made comebacks; but, one particular target
of satire, President Bush, has been considered off-limits. This
view has been fostered by the “United We Stand” slogan
corporation long enough. I now declare “Bush season”
officially open. Satire never sleeps.
Although we as a society have been forgiving of Bush’s
inability to properly control his facial muscles ““
particularly those associated with speech ““ that grace period
is over. Watching him on television at home, I can’t help but
let my face squirm. It’s like when a familiar song comes on
the radio and suddenly you’re screaming along at 75 mph
wailing “My Generation” at the top of your lungs. The
State of the Union was a little face-along that left me wondering
what connective tissue was preventing the President’s
countenance from wriggling off of his skull and wandering the halls
of the Capitol building.
On a similar note, Bushisms ““ those quaint and curious
malapropisms that made the idea of Dan Quayle as president all the
more terrifying ““ no longer receive the scrutiny they
deserve. Throughout the State of the Union Address, Bush repeatedly
used the word “nuke-yular” instead of
“nuclear.” I firmly believe you should not have the
authority to deploy weapons you cannot yourself pronounce.
Illustration by JARRETT QUON/Daily Bruin Senior Staff More
troubling are the major tactical errors made in his speech to the
State of the Union. At one point Bush actually named potential
future targets in the War on Terrorism ““ Iran, Iraq and North
Korea. Bush shouldn’t read off the official shit list, even
if these countries already know they’re on it. If
you’re going to break into someone’s house, you
don’t knock on their front door.
Following his address, Bush has made a number of speeches
concerning so-called cooperation between the Democrats and
Republicans in Congress. He preaches a message of togetherness in
the interest of the country. The translation goes a little
differently.
What Bush is really saying is that the Democrats should shut up
and do what Bush says so things can appear to run smoothly. Should
the Democrats choose to exercise their constitutional liberty to
fight for their viewpoint? Bush will use publicity tools at his
discretion to paint the Democrats as the gum holding up our
progress.
The reason he’s decided to pitch this battle this way is
that he plans to break the long-standing stereotype that
Republicans are fiscally responsible and Democrats want to spend
all your tax money. Bush plans to expand military spending to its
largest size since the Reagan administration, while adding another
$590 billion on top of his previous $1.3 trillion tax cut. This is
the kind of business master planning Bush showed running his oil
company into the ground.
Let’s examine this plan in sections. Why are we beefing up
military spending? Sheer opportunism. Reagan spent a lot of time
giving massive contracts and perks to Boeing and McDonnell Douglas
so we could kick the crap out of Grenada and an “evil
empire” of people waiting nine hours in line to buy
beets.
Today, Bush is using the same logic because of our
“war” in Afghanistan. We didn’t need to spend
money to watch the Northern Alliance win a ground war. The Rhode
Island National Guard could have provided the air support required
to beat one of the poorest countries ever.
But not only does Bush want to buy more nuke-yular weapons, he
also doesn’t want you to feel like you have to pay for them
now. Thankfully, that money will come out of your Social Security.
They’ll name the ships and planes after the prescription
drugs you won’t be able to afford. Tomorrow the U.S.S.
Diazepam will pull into the Persian Gulf.
And just think of all that great stuff you can buy with that tax
cut coming your way. On top of the $300 you got last time ““
unless you’re a tax-paying dependent like me in which case
you get squat ““ you’ll receive another $150 or so.
That’s almost two weeks of groceries for a family of four.
Huzzah! Our money problems are over. At least until we need that
diazepam to live.
Despite some stirring moments of flag waving in the WTC
wreckage, we’re still stuck with the boob we barely elected.
We granted him a little grace period of solidarity, but the fact
that he is counting on it to last indefinitely is further evidence
of his folly. Satirists of the world unite; Bush has only his brain
to defend himself.