Celebrating our political pastime

The real winner of Tuesday’s elections was CNN.

I settled down into my couch around 7 p.m. with an arsenal of
chips and soda and my laptop to get me through the next five hours
of insipid news coverage.

Election coverage is for political geeks what the Super Bowl is
for men with beer bellies. Both are generally drawn out and boring
with few moments of actual surprise or suspense.

Special touches such as half-naked girls with pom-poms and
patriotic animations make these events worth watching. And there is
something to be said for the few tidbits of information the
newscasters offer.

As I began flipping through the 10 consecutive news channels in
my cable line-up, I realized CNN’s graphics kicked everyone
else’s butts.

While Fox and MSNBC made half-hearted attempts with some bar
graphs, CNN pulled out all the stops.

Wolf Blitzer waved his arm over a color-coded map of the U.S.
like a weatherman, and all of the pundits had color-coded ties
““ red for Republicans, blue for Democrats.

Aside from all the sparkles and garnishes, I did glean some
information during my TV-election-news marathon. As of my writing
this, the Democrats have gained control of the House of
Representatives. The party that seemed as if it would never succeed
at anything ever again may have control of not only the House but
also the Senate.

Even better, the new Speaker of the House will be Nancy Pelosi,
a congresswoman from San Francisco ““ possibly the most
liberal city on the face of the Earth.

At worst, this change of power in the House will not alter U.S.
policies much due to President Bush’s veto power, but
Congress will have an awesome time creating special investigation
committees for every awful idea the Bush administration has ever
had (see: Guantanamo Bay, war in Iraq, etc.).

At best, the Dems will take the Senate as well. With their
new-found confidence and led by the fiery Pelosi, who likes to
describe Bush as “incompetent and “dangerous,”
they will launch an attempt to impeach the president.

Not a serious attempt, of course, but just for the fun of
putting him on trial in front of the nation and making him question
the definition of the abbreviation “WMD.”

The time to strike is now, when the enemy is weak. After the
whole nation gave the GOP the middle finger during midterm
elections, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld resigned the morning
after I finished the first draft of this column, caving into the
pressure of critics of the Iraq war.

Perhaps most forboding of all, Britney Spears, an avid supporter
of Bush, has filed for divorce.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

The Dems must be careful, however, of becoming too cocky.
Conservatism still reigns supreme in some parts of the nation.

I was beginning to worry about liberal California as I watched
the precincts reporting online. Proposition 85 would have required
minors to notify their parents prior to having an abortion ““
an obvious hazard to women’s reproductive rights.

Although the proposition failed, it was reported late Tuesday
night that 46.2 percent of voters favored it. That’s a
frighteningly close margin.

Through the night, I was entertained when an animation from
“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” showed Gov. Arnold
Schwarzenegger using laser beams from his eyeballs to vaporize Phil
Angelides. I was amused when a fat, bald man pretended to be Vanna
White as he manipulated a touch screen drawing of the House of
Representatives.

But why didn’t I just wait until tomorrow to scan over the
newspaper and be done with it?

Why did so many people tune in to MSNBC’s online coverage
that the site gave me an error message and told me to try again
later?

Perhaps it’s one of the few times Americans can feel
connected to the rest of the nation through one subject. It’s
that sense of unity we get from knowing that despite our
differences, we all care about the political future of our
country.

Mostly though, it’s the satisfaction we get from jumping
on the couch and screaming “We won!” in the faces of
the losers.

It’s as American as apple pie, McDonald’s and the
Super Bowl.

If you’re having a “Yes! Rumsfeld
Resigned” party, e-mail invitations to Strickland at
kstrickland@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.

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