Monday, December 7, 1998
Holiday music warms hearts of sports fans, jaded listeners
Christmas tunes by New Kids on the Block sure to evoke
memories
Believe me when I say I know the horrors that come with going
home for the holidays. Besides suffering through the wrath of
family squabbles, your life seems to be devoid of an essential
ingredient: real music. No, that generic crap you hear in the malls
does not count as true holiday tunes.
Although the prospects seem grim, never fear. You do have
options. Next time Dad pops in Dean Martin’s "classic" tunes for
the umpteenth time, run to the next room to your CD player and pop
in the one of these choices tailor made for your personality. The
results are sure to please.
1. The nostalgic. You were a kid once and you remember hearing
classic tunes of bubble-gum pop mayhem. The perfect choice for you
is to lug down some of your old boxes and fish out – that’s right –
New Kids on the Block. "Have a Funky, Funky X-Mas" and "This One’s
for the Children" are as much true classics as anything Bing Crosby
or Ella Fitzgerald hashed out. The best part of it is that you
don’t have to buy a thing. (You know you already own it.)
2. The jock. Surprisingly, a compilation fits your manly macho
desires. Someone out there is aware of your plight and has offered
the perfection solution to maintain your tough image. A collection
of CDs titled "Christmas Carols for Rabid Fans" contains the
perfect versions of your favorite holiday tunes, dedicated to the
fans of teams like the Denver Broncos and the Green Bay Packers. A
sample lyric: "Deck your head with cheesehead yellow, fa la la la
la, la la la la." You don’t even have to pretend not to be into the
holiday spirit. Grrr…
3. The joker. You just love to piss-off the family with your
disrespectful attitude. You love playing pranks on the cousins, and
no one talks to you at dinner. Well, you can have the weapon to
really cause a stink with a holiday album titled, "Santa’s Got
Gas." Yes, it’s real because they know people like you
unfortunately exist. Songs like "Rudolph the Rancid" are sure to
get some upturned noses from the folks. What you’ll get is some
personalized holiday spirit.
4. The young at heart. Sure, the CD belongs to your 12-year-old
sister (wink wink). It’s OK, no one will ever know your guilty
pleasures. For you we suggest a variety of grade levels to kick
back and enjoy your Bop Magazine to. You can buy – I mean, borrow –
Barney’s "Happy Holidays, Love Barney" or the Smurfs’ Christmas
album. If you’ve matured slightly since last year you might have
graduated to Hanson’s holiday picks or N’Sync’s newest release.
Either way, your slumber party will surely be a hit.
5. The cynic. You don’t believe in holidays. They were all
designed for capitalist purposes, and American culture has entirely
lost sight of the true meaning behind the material emphasis.
Therefore, you loathe the facade of good cheer and plastic
ornaments and refuse to partake in a celebration of hypocrisy.
Guess what? They’ve got you covered. You hate the holidays? Well,
someone else does too, and they’ve made an album called "Bummed Out
Christmas." No tidings of joy found here, just a lot of depressing
banter about the dark side of the season. Top tracks include "Santa
Came Home Drunk" and "Christmas in Jail." I predict your next
caroling venture will include a brand new anthem: "Who Put the
Merry in Christmas?"
6. The funky fresh. Ahh yeah … it’s all good, baby. (That was
my funky fresh jive.) You can get into the spirit and still retain
your fly image. All the dope music lies in a single collection:
Westside Ol’ Skool’s "All I Want For Christmas is Yo." It’s dope,
and it’s cool. You can groove to your hip tunes and still have it
all goin’ on. In other words, you can still be yourself even when
circumstances look otherwise. Word.
And last but not least…
7. The country lover. Misunderstood by your peers? Take
advantage of this time away from school to delve into some
down-home, honky-tonk tunes. Cry in your beer and kick off your
boots because the album of your dreams lies in "70 Oz. of Country
Christmas." Your fiddle-fetish will find satisfaction and a country
holiday was just what the cowboy in you ordered. Yee-hah,
partner.
Not everyone will fit these blatant stereotypes, and that’s OK,
too. Usually all of you fit into a general category we will just
refer to as "the boring" for now.
I’m sure everyone else will find some enjoyment over the staple
stylings of holiday albums by everyone from Frank Sinatra to
Wilson-Philips. All I’m trying to say is that you’re not special
and have no real place on my list. That’s all.
So when you’re sipping eggnog next to loved ones remember that
there is a way cool life outside of tinsel and candy canes. It’s up
to you to give this holiday a little flavor.
Zubiate is a second-year undeclared student and is musically
impaired. Michelle Zubiate
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