Monday, June 8, 1998
Getting freaky-deaky on campus
SEX: Despite stereotype of college as sin city, not playing safe
is just stupid
There are now 12 days left until graduation. God help us, the
real world. Anyway, moving on.
Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I hope you’ve all had a
pleasant weekend. Great, glad to hear it. Now on to the topic of
discussion for today. Today we will be taking a long, hard look at
an issue that should captivate most of my readers’ interest, being
the readers that I think they are. It is an issue I like to call
… sex in college!! It’s going to be an interesting Monday, isn’t
it?
Can I be frank for a moment? Thank you, and stop calling me
Frank. When I was a brazen, foolish young man in my gawky days as a
high school senior (And boy, have I blossomed, as you can see from
my stunning photo. Does that thing scare you as much as me?), I’ll
admit that, in addition to viewing college as a place of learning,
creative exploration and personal development, I also saw it as,
well, sexual utopia. I think I got it from all of those "Revenge of
the Nerds" movies and what my friends used to say … college
experts that they were.
"Everybody gets laid in college," is what they told me, "It’s
like a rule there or something. They probably even have courses on
it"
Holy moley! Sign me up for that class! I love college! Needless
to say, I was very motivated to get into college. Senior year just
may have been one of my best academic years in high school. The
following fall quarter, I arrived at UCLA, nervous, excited and
extremely hopeful.
It was a little different from what I expected. Although there
have been some highlights, college is not the sexual paradise my
friends predicted. The funniest thing about UCLA, especially when
living at the dorms, is how much privacy you lack. It’s a little
difficult to get romantic with someone if you’re constantly
thinking, "Please God, let my roommate stay at Powell just another
hour. I swear I’ve been good." Distracting, to say the least.
The most hilarious moments I remember from my years here at UCLA
have been when someone either happened to get home a little earlier
than expected or just opened the door a little bit too quickly.
There’s nothing funnier than catching somebody or being caught in
the act.
"Oh, Jeez, excuse me!" "Whoa, nellie, I’m outta here!" "I see
nothing! Nothing!" "Oh for God’s sakes, get your pants on! You guys
are worse than rabbits!" "Wow, doesn’t that hurt?" And so on.
I’ve heard stories of people having sex in different places on
campus, like Powell, URL, Drake, Franz Hall, in the middle of
lecture. It’s a little disturbing to be sitting in URL and
wondering, "I wonder if anybody has ever used this desk to get a
little freaky-sneaky with someone else." Eeeww! Icky!
I remember getting a little personal with someone at Drake once,
and thinking that it was pretty cool. Right up until the part when
that Christian Bible group suddenly appeared out of nowhere and
started having a prayer session and guitar-sing-a-long about five
feet from where we were sitting. Talk about surreal. I’ve always
wondered how people can explain when they’re caught having sex in a
place like Powell. Well, you see, she tripped, I fell on top of her
and our clothes just sort of fell off. Cheap-ass cotton! Damn the
Gap!
The whole issue of buying prophylactics is also pretty comical
here on campus. I’ve always been in awe of those people who were
able to just march right up to a cash register at Hilltop, Ackerman
or North Campus with nothing but a pack of condoms in their hands.
I mean, it’s like you’re announcing to the person behind the
register and announcing boldly, "I want to have sex! Maybe not
right now, but soon! Real soon!"
Incredible. Me, I’ve always been the type of guy to start buying
stuff that I don’t really need and just sort of sneak in that pack
of Lifestyles. By the time I reach the register, I usually have
about a $100 dollars worth of various crap along with my only
intended purchase. Even then I usually can’t keep my composure when
they’re ringing it up. "God, I can’t believe my roommate made me
buy those for him. What a bastard."
In the dorms, it was cool because you could buy a pack of
condoms along with some Hostess Twinkies straight out of a vending
machine. It was always embarrassing, though if you happened to run
into someone you know.
"Hey Jess, what’d you buy? Gimme some."
"Er, I don’t think you want any."
"God you’re so selfish. I’m starving. Just give me one."
"Fine, here just take it, OK? Just take it!"
"Oh. Oops. Hee, hee."
Sex in the ’90s is bizarre enough without being a college
student. There are so many funky rules and diseases, I’m surprised
more people haven’t just given up and started living solitary,
celibate lives on top of their roofs. Maybe those Benedictine monks
had it right all along. Then again, they’re always chanting all of
the time – an obvious sign of sexual frustration. Casual sex
between people still continues, even among us "knowledgeable" and
"highly aware" college students. It’s unfathomable to me how people
can still be having unprotected sex with people they don’t know,
who they’ve met at a party or at a bar. Man, I get nervous just
using a public restroom and people are doing all sorts of crazy
stuff with someone they’ve just met. Wow! Talk about stupid.
Having sex when you’re young and in college is already pretty
wild and insane without all of that unprotected craziness. Though
I’m not exactly the epitome of moral righteousness, even I know
that unprotected sex with someone you don’t know extremely well is
just about the most incredibly retarded thing you could ever do.
And besides, having sex with someone you really care about is
really the only way to go. There’s nothing better than being with
someone who you feel connected to and who you know cares about you
as much as you care about them.
Yes, college has definitely been, for me, a most enlightening
experience. It may not have been exactly what I had hoped for, but
then again nothing ever is, right? Besides, I think it was better
that way. For all of you crazy nymphos out there, be careful and
play safe. Good luck on finals everyone.Jesse Torres