I’m not sure if it’s swamp gases mixing with light
reflecting off the surface of Venus, or maybe just good old Los
Angeles photochemical smog, but something is playing tricks on my
eyes.
When I glance at the major stories in the wide world of sports,
I can’t help but feel that the sports gods are suffering
through serious brain cramps. See if you can try to wrap your mind
around these tidbits, but be forewarned: if you are weak of spirit
you may end up crazier than a love child of Tonya Harding and Ron
Artest.
“¢bull; The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim completed a first round
sweep of the Detroit Red Wings. How did Stevie Yzerman, Brett Hull,
Cujo and Sergei (come back Anna, come back) Federov fall to
“the Flying V”? Any time a classic franchise like the
Wings can go down to a team inspired by an Emilio Estevez movie,
you know something is very wrong with the universe.
What’s up with Anaheim anyway? First the Angels upend the
Yankees, and now this? Disney is taking over our lives. Pretty soon
Big Brother is going to make sure we never miss a hilarious episode
of “Lizzie Maguire.”
“¢bull; Royals in first place. What?! This is the same team that
lost 100 games last year. Now they’re dominating the AL
Central? Kansas City fans haven’t had this much fun since
George Brett absolutely blew a gasket in the 1985
“pine-tar” incident.
To this day, I’ve still to see any baseball player more
enraged than Brett. He made the Mike Piazza-Guillermo Mota
confrontation look more like a fistfight between France and
Switzerland.
“¢bull; Expos in first place! Quoi?!
“¢bull; Curt Schilling, Randy Johnson, Greg Maddux and Pedro
Martinez have been getting hammered thus far in the season.
Meanwhile, two guys by the name of Mike MacDougal and Rocky Biddle
are leading their respective leagues in saves. Fantasy owners
everywhere are weeping into their keyboards.
“¢bull; The WNBA will not hold a draft, and a labor strike may
inflict the final blow to a league tottering on the edge between
absurdity and bankruptcy. That’s right, the WNBA Players
Association is actually striking. Unbelievable. Have they hired
Jerry Maguire to negotiate on their behalf yet?
“Show me the money!”
“What money? Every franchise in this league is
hemorrhaging money like a hemophiliac in a blender!”
“¢bull; The farewell tour of Michael Jordan (version 3.0) ended
Wednesday. I know it’s sacrilege to go against Michael, but
gag me with a rusty spoon. I said goodbye to Michael in ’98.
The sight of Mike in a Wizards ““ or throwback Bullets jersey
““ still strikes a very odd chord.
But, there is always a higher purpose, and that purpose is
clear. Repeat after me: “It’s all about the
merchandising, baby.”
“¢bull; Roy Williams left Kansas for North Carolina. This move
makes about as much sense as a Mike Tyson press conference. What
can Williams accomplish as a Tarheel that he couldn’t as a
Jayhawk? I know he was an assistant under Dean Smith and is a North
Carolina alumnus, but from a strictly basketball sense, Williams
has set himself up for disaster. He’ll have infinitely more
pressure at his alma mater than he ever did at Kansas.
“¢bull; Just wait for “When White Sox Fans Attack!”
as the next hit reality TV show on FOX. After two insane fans
attacked Royals first-base coach Tom Gamboa seven months ago,
another maniac jumped out of the stands to assault umpire Laz Diaz.
Naturally, the Royals were the visiting team again. Bizarre.
Who’s running security over there, Chief Wiggum?
“¢bull; But, easily the clearest sign of the coming Apocalypse
is this: Bill Walton is in cyberspace. In a SportsCenter interview,
Bill told the world that he has the Washington Wizards Web site
marked on his favorites page. You’re one hip cat, Bill. Very
hip.
Turns out a UCLA alumnus is playing in the World Poker Tour.
Chris Ferguson, you are my hero. E-mail Yuhl at
cyuhl@media.ucla.edu.