While the Lakers were still clutching to the idea of a
four-peat, I had a chance to see them at Staples Center.
My highlight of the night (and probably Rick Fox’s) was
watching old people make out.
Don’t get me wrong. Kobe was riveting, Shaq was
dominating, and Phil Jackson was “¦ well “¦ he was just
sort of sitting there with a smirk on his face.
But during halftime and the timeouts, the crowd was put to
sleep.
Do you think Lakers’ trivia is supposed to keep the crowd
actively involved?
Ever want to know what Derek Fisher thinks of Ace Ventura
II?
Are you up late at night wonderingwhat shampoo the Laker Girls
use?
If you answered “no” to these questions, you suffer
from the same illness I do. Recreational boredom. Spice up the
between-game entertainment for heaven’s sake.Â
The only good bit at the Laker game was a gag called “Kiss
Me,” where the camera pans the audience for couples, enticing
them to kiss in the outlined shape of a heart. Accompanied by the
song “Kiss Me” blaring in the background, each couple
is urged by the crowd of 20,000 to get it on.
Now I have been to enough Laker games to know pre-“Kiss
Me” rituals and the kissing stereotypes of the destined
couples.
When the camera is fixated on a particular twosome, the
couple’s first reaction is to instinctively point at
themselves on the Jumbotron like monkeys, as if they couldn’t
recognize who was on the screen. Normally the male then makes his
advance with the “flying elbow around the shoulder”
move, drawing his female in like a spider does its prey.
He is usually greeted by a repulsed partner who is laughing in
his face instead of sharing his embrace. His teetering smile can
either signify his confidence that he’ll be getting some and
that his girl is just shy, or more likely, it signifies the
embarrassment of receiving the cold shoulder. If a guy can’t
get his girlfriend to show him some love with everyone watching,
he’d never hear the end of it.
Ten seconds in, if the couple is not in a Stage III make-out
session, boos come serenading down from the rafters and large,
sticky items are thrown at the prudes. At this point, the female
usually ends up giving her boyfriend a quick peck on the cheek, and
we, the crowd, are left duly unsatisfied. We need to see some
action; we didn’t pay $125 for a ticket and $15 for a beer
just to see the Spurs mop up the court with our Lakers.
After the first two unsuspecting couples are out of the way,
people understand their cue rather quickly. Here comes the
fascinating part. The comprised age of the couple usually dictates
what kind of kiss we’re going to see. Sadly, it’s not
what you think.
The 16-to-25-year-old Beverly Hills 90210 couple, dressed in
their Abercrombie and GAP uniforms, are the awkward quick peck,
keep-it-stylish-yet-short-type of kissers. Appearances mean the
world to this brand of couple, and not wanting to be humiliated in
front of 1,000 drunk Laker fans and 19,000 celebrities, they share
a short little kiss.
The 35-to-45-year-old executive couples are successful
businesspeople and their spouses. Their kiss is a normal, fat
smooch on the lips whose motive is to disprove to everyone and
themselves that they are greedy sleazeballs consumed with thoughts
of money.
And finally, the true lovers. The 60 and over crowd are the
Romeos and Juliets of “Kiss Me.” When a senior
citizen couple is shown on the big screen, watch out. Tongues are
a-flailing and bodies are a-grinding (I sincerely wish I was joking
too).
But who can blame them? It’s one of the few times left
they’ll have enough adrenaline to get aroused without the
help of a little blue pill and Bob Dole.
I have actually been targeted during “Kiss Me,”
except the camera focused on me and the 45-year old woman sitting
on my right instead of my then-girlfriend on my left. Needless to
say, the blonde bombshell went home receiving a
“freedom” kiss she’ll never forget.
Laura turns 46 next week.
E-mail Seth at sglass@media.ucla.edu if you want to talk about
kissing, glass or Derek Jeter.